Tim Mcgraw-Back When

Hi ya'll, I haven't wrote anything in quite awhile, haven't been feeling very well and to be honest I found that I was just repeating how really depressed I was, and I so didn't want to do that anymore so I just kept telling myself perhaps tomorrow will be a better day, anyhow with all the things going on in the world I just had to put something down or go right out of my mind, I have thousands upon thousands of questions, I keep thinking of all the stuff going on, and you know the one thing that is so real and true this "SONG" I am so serious, I really do miss Back When, if you've never heard it please do me a huge favour and give it a listen that might perhaps kind of help with where my head is at these days. You see I really do miss back when, these days are a total joke, I mean I used to be so sad over not ever having children, I do miss the idea of having a family that's for sure, but on the other hand I turned on Nancy Grace the nite before last for the first time in quite awhile, I just can't bring myself to watch it anymore you see its always another child has been killed and 99% of the time its the parents that did it. I gotta say though these last two or at least the ones I saw, eating pizza oh I thank God for Nancy because one thing is a sure thing if she gets on them they won't just get a slap on the wrist, I am so hoping that perhaps these two might even really get the maximum I hope and pray they do, it just breaks my heart to think the last thing that this little baby saw before loosing his tiny life was his parents who had beaten him, apparently for soiling his pants and then the two of them sat and watched a movie and ate pizza. I ask you what has happened, gosh I grew up in foster care, I had more love in my life I know it for a fact then that poor little baby who was indeed raised for those couple of years that he did live before they killed him. I think back to my friends and the birthday parties I had, I also remember my foster brother once kicking this neighbour's butt because I came home crying, I was shot with a bee-bee gun by the fellow my foster brother went over and told him if he ever again hurt his little sister he'd be chewing without teeth. Isn't that whats families do for one another, they protect they love, they teach you right from wrong, they don't hurt you, or especially what these two did.
I also find myself really having a hardtime when it comes to anything positive to watch on tv, I know I will sound silly to some but hey I really don't care what folks think I am honest and I don't intend to change that so someone might like reading what I say alittle more its just not who I am, but think about it, serious, when I was okay 18yrs old, I honest to God didn't fear anything, except perhaps the scarey picture show lol.... any hey they'd be laughed out of the cinema today, however the stuff the kids today are watching, oh sure ask the parents they'll say oh but no not my son, or daughter, never they're good kids, ya I am sure they are or were at least, but I don't care who you are or how strong your parenting if your child is always watching Sci-Fi or as my Pastor says i.e. Harry Potter they sure aren't broadening their abilities that's for sure, you know they took prayer out of school, I am still so upset by this, many tell me I have no right to be as I haven't a child who attends, perhaps not but I do live in this society and what is happening with out young people is so very scarey, if they don't belong to a gang or their older brother may then I pray they are in sports. I know when I was still in school I loved sports you name it I played it and I was really good too, I loved bringing home the ribbons I was so proud to win, it always made me want to do better. I know for a fact that most schools today don't even bother about sports, if the parents can afford to send their child to a gym, pool or perhaps the arena for hockey then they are trully Blessed. I know for a fact most people can't even afford to keep food on the table at least not the healthy things we should be eating, not really, I ask you this, if you are a married person and raising okay lets keep it low 2 kids, I can almost assure you one goes without so the other can have, but you very unlikely are able to afford for both your children to do the hockey and all that theres a commercial here I have seen it, this youngster applies for a dishwasher job, the man tell the youngster he should be out playing Hockey, the child replies to him and tells him thats exactlly what he is trying to do, it breaks my heart each time I see that, how sad, because its truth, its just what these poor families are pushed into, parents are working so very many hours trying to get just alittle bit ahead so they can see daylight but sadly it doesn't happen because theres always another bill in the mail, it breaks my heart. You know though then you got the other side, the ones who can't even afford to send their children to anykind of programs or any groups because these are the kids all alone, they usually have to literally decide for themselves what to eat for dinner cause mom and dad if they are Blessed enough to have both at home can't be there not if they want to keep their place and heat and cable, its insane this world we live in today. I ask when the heck is it ever going to get any better. I always thought I'd be able to work, I never dreamt I might become unable and have to ask this beautiful govt of our's for help, oh what a joke, I feel like I am one of the lucky ones though as I haven't a youngster who is counting on me, how hard it must be for the average everyday mom and dad trying so hard to keep things going, knowing full well its not going that way for them though is it.
You know what though its only little things but I so Believe with all my heart and soul, if only we could turn the time back and alot like this song says I Miss Back When, he's got the right idea, cause I know I surely do, back when things were so very different, we all went to Church on Sunday all of us, we were proud to go, and always felt so very wonderful afterwards, and better too, and folks were "Real" they were, it didn't matter how much your father made, it didn't matter how much your mother made or heck in most cases most folks we were all the same our mom's were home and we'd take turns whose house all of us would head to afterschool was out, we all were friends, and you know whatelse, nobody cared if you were black, white, indian, it didn't matter we were just all good friends and all going to school together rooting for each other at the games and oh I still remember the very 1st McDonald's lol.........now that's really back when isn't it lol.........
I miss those days with all my heart, I would wait patiently on the weekends for Ed Sullivan, and you bet I watched it, funny thing when Elvis was on, I was told I couldn't watch him, well I wanted to just like every other girl on the planet, so I hid by the side of the doorway and watched him just like everyonelse from the waist up, ya'll remember that? I also remember feeling so bad cause I had gone against a rule, I was told no and had sneaked and watched him even though I knew I was doing something I wasn't allowed to do. I went in the livingroom afterwards and told what I had done, I just knew I was in bigggg trouble, but they were so pleased with me for being honest that they told me I had learned my lesson and I didn't get punished for it. You know I felt so much better, today that's so light in comparission with things kids are going and getting into trouble for today. I watched the Beverly Hillbillies tonite to my sheer delight, and last night I watched Honeymooners, ya'll remember Alice to the Moon, hey you know we all laughed he'd be thrown off tv today for that statement, nobody is allowed to joke like that, although its considered funny when a lady ( I am using this phrase out of respect not because I feel she deserves it) on National Tv, go up and accept an Oscar for her role in a movie only to use the four letter word that to me really shouldn't be on tv, I will never ever be able to tolerate that I am sorry if you don't like this but think about it, how hard would it be for them to put some class back in tv. I ask you would it really be that hard, it sure caught on in a big hury, do you know I have taken the ski train here and I have heard young gals talking amongst themselves, mind you they are so very proud they make sure everyone can hear them as they brag of all the ( men ) they've been with, I am really sickened by it, and I promise some of the things I heard these kids saying I hadn't a clue what they were even talking about, only reason I was sure it was still of a sexual nature was the replies from their schoolmates, now I am sure nobody wants their young daughter to be sleeping with all of her class and God knows how many others along with it, its so sad, what have we gone and allowed to happen to us, we have let the so-called "Celebrities" decided what we should be wearing, what we should be eating, what our weight should be, what style home we oughta have, what car is kool and so on and so forth, and you know darn well every word I am saying is the truth, its sickening to me and I am sure it is to you also, but there just has to be a way to turn back the clock. I mean come on, they have a show on tv its called jersey something anyhow I saw this one gal I kid you not, this is the truth, I was trying to pass 15 to 20 mins before a show I wanted to watch was coming on so I put on that tmz show, oh good grief, this was quite awhile back, when we had that horrible disaster in the Gulph, they asked this gal from the show, her name was Snooki, that I will never forget, the guy with the camera said to her, what would you do to help with the Oil Spill, are you sitting down, you really should be, I couldn't believe she was actually considered a good influence on today's kids, give me a break, do you know what her answer was, she said she didn't use tanning oil, can you believe that, this gal is on tv each and every single week and seen by so very many kids as a positive influence, they also had her on the Much Music Awards, ya, she was so cute how adorable in her so short dress and high heels she could hardly walk, I take that back, walk it was all she could do to stand in them, and yet she was telling everyone she was going bar hopping to snook herself a Canadian Man as they were so hotttt, oh what a charming influence, I say thank you God Above, you always know best, and I always was angry before at not having children, then I see things and I realize another country song, Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks, so very true. I know that many things are happening in the world today, alot of horrible tradgedies, we seem to just get a couple of months or so and another happens, if its not a fire, tornado, flood, and right now my prayers go out to the wonderful people of Japan, I pray with all my heart and soul that no further loss of life is suffered. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and I know all the world is praying for you all and as much possible help is being done is, I mean people what is it going to take before we all wake up and say hey why is all this happening, it didn't happen before, think back, years ago, how ofted did you even hear of someone having cancer, I am serious it was so rare, and now I don't know a single family that hasn't been touched by this dreadful disease and if they have then May God Continue to Bless Them! I know myself personally the first person I ever lost was my daddy, I had only met him that I remembered at age 13 but I loved him dearly, and I will always love him. I was just 19 when I lost him, but from then it was quite alongtime before I heard it again, except myself ofcourse, if you have ever read anything I have wrote before you already know I lost my husband the 3rd of Dec last year to leukemia. You know these days its so rare you don't hear of someone either having this awful disease orelse theres a family and they are fighting for their child's life, this didn't happen before, not like today, we are doing everything wrong, and I really do Believe with all of my heart and soul its just a matter of time before it all comes smashing down one way or the other. I do notice onething more and more people are starting to go back to Church, the problem is they don't seem to go through with what they hear on Sunday the remainder of the week. I really do Miss Back When, I feel a really good start would be for the entertainers to take a huge pay cut, serious, do you really think anyone one person is worth 30million dollars to do a movie role, I don't nor do I think they should be living in Mansions and giving themselves all sorts of awards for the award they just got, then when something horrible happens in the world they all call upon us, the people who can barely make it from pay to pay to donate to "Their Charity" I ask you why would anyone want to do that, if I donate its through the Red Cross, and I know they are right there and helping. I also believe in helping out the hospitals who help the sick children, be it Sick Kids or St.Judes, cause they help the parents when they need it the most, and unlike the other hospitals they are more than willing to tell you how they are doing when it comes to finding a cure, gosh when I asked the survival rate question here at the cancer hospital, you know what I was told, oh we can't divulge that information, my husband and I looked at each other so confused, the response was they'd be breaking patient confidentiality, to me that was a load of pure smelly stuff, if you get my drift, needless to say they'll never get any of my dollars not that I really have any to spare. I too like most live from pay to pay I was told when I said I was worried I'd loose my phone, internet and cable as its all in one, oh but thats a luxury, I asked her if she had a phone, ofcourse she replied, I said oh its alright for you to have one, for me its a luxury even though without the ability to call 911 it could very easilly be the differnece between my seeing another day should I have heart trouble, no reply, as is the normal here. I know many people think we are super lucky cause of our so-called excellent health care in Canada, I'll let you in on a secret, most of the people who can afford it go to the states for their surguries and that's the truth, its often in the papers. I also have read so very many times of people who died just waiting to be given an oncologist, and this makes me ill to my belly! I read this poor husband's column he had somehow managed to get it in without anyone taking it out, I was happy I knew it had given him alot of comfort and God knows he needed all he could get, he said he wasn't able to even get medication for his dying wife because he couldn't get an appointment for her, heck they knew how much pain this poor woman was in, what is our world coming to, I know I am not proud of it, I would so love for all of us to be able to hold our heads up and feel proud of the people we are, but its not easy is it, not when you know you fear to go outside at night for theres been so very many stabbings, and the murder rate has already gone way up from the year before and hey we are only in March, what's that saying about our younger generations. We fear the water we drink, half the time they are re-calling the beef in our grocery stores, the lettuce, spinach, beets, orange juice, I know theres been thousands more, heck just cars alone and then let us not forget all the items re-called that are suppossed to protect our youngsters, if we keep going at the rate we are, I don't Believe for a second anyone will have to worry about the future generation as there won't be any to worry about, we are slowly killing them ourselves I sure don't have any major solutions but I know a nice start would be if we allowed our children the right to pray the Lord's prayer in schools again, it would show God we are trying, and then just keep getting rid of the terrible trash on tv and try going back to shows we all could watch together as a family and feel proud of, and time with family is quality time at best! I have so much going through my head right now, but I need to rest and take a break, but this is something I feel very strong about so I sure do intend to write more on it, we need to start to do the right thing instead of going along with the trend, I always was one who pretty much did as she chose, I never was one to just wear the in-thing, I am not about to start letting folks tell me how to live, when to pray or who to pray to, I love God, I am proud of this fact and I feel the power of prayer each and everyday, and I do hope you are all praying for Japan, they really do need our prayers! Thank-you and May God Bless Each & Everyone of You!xo

Elvis Presley - How Great Thou Art 1977

I am posting this video for a trully special little girl, a real life "Angel" she is now with our Lord and Saviour! I am sure you have all heard of her her name is Christina Taylor, she was burried a few days ago in Tuscon Arizona. Sadly she was one of the people killed in that senseless killing rampage. I refuse to post her murderers name as he is not important the important one here is this precious little girl, her life was taken far too soon! This little "Angel" was born on Sept.11th the day the world stood still, our beautiful Twin Towers fell and oh God in Heaven so very very many lives were lost. This little girl was special from day one, she always wanted to do things and she did whatever she set her mind to. Infact she was the only girl playing ball on the baseball team, all the other players were boys but that didn't deter her, oh no Christina knew she was gifted and that she could do whatever she put her mind to, so she made the team. She was so young but already she was interested in Politics. She was elected to be the Class President so that was huge, wow she had won her first election, she was on her way. Well a dear friend of her's offered to take her to the Rally at the Safeway, ofcourse her parents had no problem with this as it was a great opportunity for Christina to meet a lady and shake hands with her, sadly she never got to shake hands with her as she was gunned down by a maniac before her dream could be realized.
It breaks my heart that this tiny soul is no longer with us, she was an inspiration to so very many people, this will sound so little but I must say it as to me it trully is alot, my doctors have been telling me you can't do this and you can't do that and well I been missing "Matt my husband" so very much" that I was going along with whatever they were saying I really didn't want to live anymore but when I read about this little girl and how much she had done, looked into those big brown eyes something happened to me, for the first time in a very longtime I decided I didn't want to die, I know it sounds morbid, but to be honest with all of you, I have been living my life for the day I'd die and join my husband, I knew it shouldn't be too long,well now I have decided to fight, I don't want to die, heck no I want to live, so I am going to die to live instead of the reverse.
I say God Bless You "Christina Taylor" because of your courage by golly I am going to give it my all, I am going to take a computer course so I can get a really good job and tell the govt where they can go pardon the punch but it is true lol.........."Rest in Peace You Sweet Angel" Oh God You are so very missed"!!!!!!!!!!!
love nikkixo

Emerson Drive - When I See You Again

When I first heard this song, I thought right away of my beloved Matt, I miss him each and every single day, he'd of loved this song, I know he had people he missed and I thank God he can now talk with them each and every single day anytime he wants to, I hope he knows how missed and very loved he is and he always will be. I know they did this song because they too miss someone terribly they miss their beloved drummer, and I also Believe that he heard them singing and playing their insruments and it was for him, I have no doubt that he does indeed know, just like I Believe with all of my heart and soul that Matt hears this song and knows how much I miss him and look forward to seeing him again, but I also have learned something else, I am trying each and everyday of my life to live in the present and not just in the past, I have been trying to go forward, I remember a conversation I had with Matt, it was a good year before I lost him, the doctor's a couple of them had given up on him and he was no fool he knew it, so he too had begun to give up, I wouldn't let him, I heard what he was trying to tell me, to live, that I was still young, he even said I was good looking ( to him ) lol.. anyhow I cut him short, I even got alittle mad at him, I told him there wasn't another man alive I would ever be interested in, He was "My Soul Mate" I told him that then, and I tell him again today, however that day I got through to him, I told him he was listening to people who didn't even know him, I said Matt I know you better than anyone on this earth, I have spent many years with you night and day, I have gone through a couple of rounds of chemo with you, this doctor hasn't he doesn't know how it affects you, I reminded him of the ammount of pain meds they were giving to him, and God love him, I did get through and I asked him for one day to try to talk with the doctor when he came in the following morning he said okay, well the doctor who was on God Bless Him, he did listen and Matt was home for good 2days later, and he lived an entire year more, they wanted to put him in Palative Care, no more transfussions nothing except pain meds, well had they done that I'd have lost him then, thankfully this doctor had a heart and he gave me the benefit of the doubt, cut the pain meds off and thankfully he saw I was indeed right, Matt was sitting up eating breakfast when he next came in, he allowed him that afternoon home and the following day he discarged him, the doctor's are not always right, if you happen to be reading this, please if you have someone who is ill, be sure you have no doubt, remember you know your loved one better than they do, make absolute sure there trully is nothing that can be done you might just have your loved one awhole lot longer! I thank-you and wish you all the best! God Bless! xo

p.s."Baby" I love & miss you so very much, until we meet again!xoxoxo

Tonite I am coming here to write because I am so very terriffied and I don't have a clue how to fix it, there isn't anyone I want to share this fear with, I know I could call someone and dump all this crap in a friend's lap, but you see right there be the problem, I don't want to dump this on a friend. I kinda feel like wow how bloody ironic, I never lived with my birth family in my entire lifetime I lived less than two weeks with my so called birth mother, and yet I somehow became the lucky one. I loved working, talk about out of character for my family especially my so called birth mother, she always felt the entire world owed her a living and she took as much of it as she possibly could. Oh God forgive me, we were talking when I lost my beloved husband on Dec 3rd and I won't even try to take away how much she was there for me because for the first time in her life and mine she really was a mother, she felt my pain, I have no doubt of that, she trully seemed to care, I know theres one thing she is afraid of and its that I'll take my life, I have no idea why I believe so much in God Almighty and its the one sin the Lord will not forgive, I won't lie there have been days oh gosh and many nights when I have wished I believed different or had the guts to go ahead and do it, my life is no bowl of cherries. I live in an appt its above a bunch of stores, the rent is 750.00 heat is included thank God. But I am not able to work, as I am terminally ill, so I receive what they call AISH it is a monthy check, it is suppossed to be 1200 a month, at least it used to be, and when Matt was alive he received CPP and AISH to total his check the same amount. When he passed away, AISH took the 2500 dollars and I was told whatever was left over would come to me, well I never even asked about it, to me it didn't matter as long as my baby was okay, I wanted him to be okay, he had suffered more than any human being should ever have to, and when it is done in the way it was in his case its not right, I intend to finally do something about it, I have thought long and hard about it and I finally came to the decission I have no doubt it is what he'd want so I have an appointment Monday to speak with an attorney, I am cutting it awful darn close as I have to file before one year, I didn't think I was strong enough but then I kept on thinking and the more I did the more I knew I had to for him. I loved that man more than anything in this world and it is the right thing to do.

I have been so dang sick these past few days it is scaring the heck out of me, I don't fear death, I really don't. Its ironic my husband always said the onething he couldn't handle was if ever they wanted to start cutting pieces of his body off him. Well evidentally I am going to be the one that it happens to, today when I was at our doctor's office he told me that they may have to take my legs. You know how I always had a problem with really bad circulation I seem to be the one who gets everything in the dang blasted family, my mother has a bad heart well ofcourse I do also, anyhow he said due to my Peripheral Arterial Disease which ofcourse causes my poor circulation it makes me a danger to frostbite, last year when you were in the hospital, remember Baby, when you were in the Lougheed, the night that Access said they couldn't come and pick me up they had no vehicles and they appologized, well I tried to cross over to the station it didn't look that far, but with my walker in that snow and ice it took quite awhile and oh God I was so cold I was literally in tears, there were about 10 police cars all around but not one saw my peril and helped me, they were looking for someone really hard, when I finally did get inside one of the lady officers came into the elevator and searched it, so they must've wanted whoever it was really bad. Anyhow, I am so frightened, last night I had to use my nitro, both the pills and the spray, today when I was at his office I had a pain in my gutt, it wasn't chest pains, but he went and got me these pills, I took one right away as he told me to, you know usually I'd have taken two of my pantaloc and a couple of zantac and still it would've hurt, well these new pills I only needed the one and it really did help. But it figures they aren't yet approved by our govt so I can't get a prescription, and it trully did help.

Oh God I just can't imagine whatever I'd do if they did cut off my legs, but I can't seem to keep the blood flowing, I rub them alot, I try to keep from wearing anything at all that is tight so as not to cut off the circulation but it doesn't matter, still they go to sleep, and man it is getting harder and harder to get them to wake up once they've gone to sleep.

Tonite I was laying down gonna go to sleep early as I was and am so very tired, well as always "kiaa" came and layed with me, heck I felt so bad I had to put her down two different times because my dang legs and ofcourse my stupid feet went to sleep, I was going to try to go upto Wallmart and see if I could buy a couple of pairs of those socks they sell especially for people who need help with circulation, but now that AISH took that 400.00 off my check claiming I wasn't allowed to get the pention you left for me and CPP issued to me, well I don't even have one hundred dollars extra to spend on things I need, I have trouble just getting my shampoo and stuff, as embarassing as it is to say if it wasn't for the kindness of my pharmacist downstairs here he was kind enough to let me get some toilet tissue and he borrowed me the ten dollars so as I could get to the doctor's office I mean that's bad when you got to borrow for toilet tissue. Poor "kiaa" she is going to barely make it this month on her whiska's. I know if I was to tell them that they'd say hey a cat is not a family member they don't understand, heck when I lost my cable that month, I had no cable, no internet and no phone cause they are all together, he had the nerve to tell me my phone was a luxury, I couldn't even call 911 and with my health issues this was a major deal to the doctor, oh man he was just freaked, but I told him I had managed to get it back on, thank God it was the month before they took my pention off of my AISH check, if it had been after I still wouldn't have it on. I worry each and every single month, within a couple of days of getting my check I am flat broke even the kind folk at the bank feel sorry for me, now that's bad, when your bank people feel sorry for you, well they can see by my withdrawals that nothing is spent on luxury items as he called them lol.............. oh wow honey I near forgot I did buy myself a really pretty blouse this summer, I almost forgot and brand new I went into Winner's odd huh, as I always thought it was waaay too exspensive but this one day I for some odd reason just walked in. Anyhow I saw this really pretty pink printed blouse and I had been given two passes to get into the Stampede for free, it was the very last night and I hadn't been so I did want to go, also Martina McBride was playing and you know I adore that sweet lady's voice, she sings like an "Angel" in my opo so I dearly wanted to go, also I so wanted to look nice so when I saw that blouse I decided to splurge it was on sale for I believe it was nine dollars, if I am not mistaken so I did buy it. But that is the only thing I bought me this year. Infact I forget who I was talking to but I was just saying I was deeply concerned about this winter and what I would wear as I honestly don't own anything for winter, remember honey most everything I have is summer clothes, I hardly ever went outside you always did, the only place I really went was to the doctor's and then it was rare. Since you've been gone honey, I go to the doctor's, the bank and to Shopper's usually I try to get my coffee, "kiaa's" food, litter, and odds and ends I try hard to get whatever is possible on sale. I usually can't get all I need but I get by. Oh honey I am frightened, I keep thinking of when I went to Ontario to see Uncle Frankee when he was in the hospital, his leg looked honest to God it was hard as a rock, bluish purple in colour and the pain he was in. You see that's what the doctor says is the disease I have which is why I am always having my feet and legs and now it even goes higher asleep, so it is what is causing me to have the chest pains, he has arranged for me to see a cardioligist, the nurse will call me on Monday with his name and number but he asked me to promise if I am not able to wait for my visit with him to please promise to call for help. I told him I wouldn't call 911 but I will go over to the clinic on 4th, I had to have a special test done, remember the one they tried to do at the Lougheed, when I was hurting so bad and I asked the nurse to please get you, she refused, remember how dang blasted mad you were when you found out. Then they called in that special doctor and he said it was way too difficult to do and he didn't want to hurt me like that, not unless he knew it was absolutely the last resort, remember, well I went to this clinic they opened up on 4th, this gal I got was just as sweet as she could be, she could tell I was really scared, Matt you were always with me always whenever I had anything done and I am so scared anyhow of tests and stuff, beyond scared you know that, I have been that way ever since I was a kid, I just don't understand how come I got so dang lucky and it seems I have inherited all the blasted problems all the family has, I got the bad heart, my liver is bad, my stomach, my bones, muscles, gosh I sound just like a soap opera I quit as I feel guilty even writing this all. I just don't think I can allow anyone to chop off my legs, they may not work good but at the least they are there, heck now I am bawling like a big ole baby, oh Matt I miss you so much. I am hoping that once I get these papers that are needed filed with the attorney, I don't want any money, I just want justice for you I am going to exsplain that the the lawyer, that way if I happen to join you it won't matter, I will know he'll continue and justice will indeed be done, and God willing I'll keep both my legs and you and I can dance together in Heaven, I know I am asking for alot, but sweet baby of mine I love and miss you oh so much, I am going to have to quit writing even the pillow isn't helping, my back is hurting pretty bad, I am going to boil the kettle and get the hot water bottle it will help alot! I love you honey so very much, it was always you, me and "kiaa" that was our family, we never really wanted for anything we were so happy we had each other, life without you has been oh so lonesome, sad, and it just plain sucks. You know I can always tell when you are here though, "kiaa" oh wow she gives you away right away, she gets so excited, it is so precious to watch her, I knew you'd come tonite, because of the news I got from the doctor and I thank-you for loving me. Oh Baby how I love you, I still remember your precious kisses, oh sweetie I would love it so if I could feel your precious lips on mine again, I miss you, oh how I miss you. I keep thinking this time last year you were with me, oh God honey I know you wanted so to protect me, but I wish you had told me it was back, I might've been able to do more, I get so angry when I think of the night you needed me so, oh Baby how I begged that nurse to let me come up, I pleaded with her, I knew you needed me, oh how I knew, I could feel you calling me and it killed me that they wouldn't let me come. Oh sweetie and to think for six days you thought I had given up on you, they lied to you and led you to believe that they had permission from me to stop treating you, oh sweetie, if you hadn't had that bloody nose and coughed up that blood you may have left me never knowing I had never given them any permission of any kind, to the contrary. I don't know if I told you but that one bitch actually tried to commit me, serious the day Linda was with me, I'll never forget it, she put both her hands over mine, she asked if I would allow her to stop your treatment, I said no, he wants to be home for Christmas and by God I am going to do all I can to see he is, well within seconds she said she understod my problem, she personally was going to be taking care of me, that I hid it well, others didn't know but she did, I didn't know what the devil she was talking about, then I asked her out right, she said you are an alcoholic, but don't you worry I am going to take good care of you, I said the hell you are, then I turned to Linda she was standing watching all this with this look like what the hell is going on, I said Linda do I drink, man that bitch didn't even wait for her answer, she freaked, she said is she with you, I said yes she is, she banged her fists on the counter, and as Linda was saying no you don't drink neither you nor Matt have ever drank, as she was slamming her way out of the door onto the elevator, man that was one insane woman, and it was her who literally lied on your file, she falsified it and said she had my permission to stop all treatments, hell as if I'd give permission for that knowing you were coming home, that makes no sense at all. But I'll always be grateful to the doctor that was on call, what a kind and honest man he was. Oh but he was some angry, I can still hear his words, how in the hell did this happen, this lady is his wife, I have no doubt she never gave permission to stop treatment, where is her signature, where I don't see one, just tell me how the hell did this happen. This man has received no treatment for six entire days how in the hell did this happen. But the words I loved were when he ordered everything you needed and said the magic words STAT!! Oh how happy I was, and when you put your beautiful loving arms around me and just kept kissing me over and over, I realize dear God you must've thought that I too had given up on you and you always believed I'd never ever do that, and my dearest love I never ever did, oh God I pray so hard you really do know that, you can never know just how important it is to me to know you know I didn't ever give up on you honey, never, oh how I love you. I didn't want you to ever hurt anymore but never ever did I give up on you, I always believed in you honey I still do!! Well my sweet love I must lay down and rest as my poor old body is trully beginning to hurt alittle more than I like and that's the truth!!! I love you and I pray we are together soon honey, I so don't want to loose my legs, I can't possibly imagine being able to heck how the hell would I even get down these stairs, I have trouble with legs, I only now thought of that, but the thought of them cutting off my legs oh baby I just can't handle that, its way more than I can handle and I know in my heart and soul that God never gives us more than we can handle, its been getting really close now so hopefully this is the Lord's way of letting me know my time is close, oh it feels like it is near it really does, soon baby, I really do feel that. I love you baby, but we gotta bring "kiaa" we can't leave her she loves us both waay too much it wouldn't be fair to any of us, we'd be misserable without her and you know it as well as I do.

Oh man I am so scared, I pray you forgive my fear, I had to write this down I couldn't dump all this and for that matter I am all over the place, I didn't even tell you half of what I intended and rambled and ofcourse repeated all that that bitch did at the hospital, but I am filled with such anger at her, I am not bitter about my health, I just know that I am literally living on borrowed time, well you know I am also, heck my baby sis wants to come see me cause she is afraid I will die before she can see me once more, I told her to save her money, and just call me and you to her she has the power she always has had it. I miss you my love, please forgive me dumping on you, I love you and I felt you were the one i needed to tell. Oh he wrote a letter to my worker telling her about this disease and how it was necesary for me to have new boots and a winter coat, that was nice of him I thought. Honey I am really hurting, also getting very tired, I will write again soon, unless ofcourse I join you first. Good nite my love, sweetest of dreams baby!

Your loving wife, forever & always!!!xoxoooxoxoxoxoxxooxoxoxoxxoxoxoxxoxxoxox

Honey I decided to put a photo of Tim&Faith up its really similar to the way they were dressed when we met them, they were so nice to give us backstage and awesome seats and

they really cared about us, it was so obvious they were trully wonderful folk. Infact when I called to let them know I had lost you on the 3rd of Dec I have no doubt they were trully heart broken over it, they thought the world of you as you did them. so I felt it fitting to post their photo on this blog. Hope you agree, I have a hunch you would!xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxxo

CBC News - Montreal - Former cop jailed for rape gets parole

CBC News - Montreal - Former cop jailed for rape gets parole

Ok I don't think it posted the picture of this monster, please if it didn't and you happen upon this would you please
be so kind as to go to cbs newspaper and look up the photo of the cop who is being released on early parole for raping
young girls 15of them to be exact, very early he only served I believe 2yrs they gave him credit for 4yrs he didn't even
serve, they figure the big ole you naughty boy he heard was enough, what about the young girls, okay I never usually do
this but this is onetime I am going to, I am now 53years old okay, when I was 11 I was raped to this very night yes I say
night I still have trouble sleeping, I really do, I have never really gotten over what happened to me, in my case the family
where it happened used me as a baby-sitter he snuck home early and he violated me, I was just a mess for years and years
and that's the God's truth. My wonderful foster family did try to get justice for me, to no avail, I will never forget that Judges
words he said well after all he is a respected businessman and she is "just" a foster child, okay well this time I doubt very much
that each and everyone of these children were foster kids, and hopefully much has changed but then again I worry since they are
letting him out, but perhaps if enough folks read this and get good and angry perhaps this sob will be right back where he should be
behind bars and I do hope he is in general population throw him in with the others, most of whom are fathers of young girls, I have a
pretty good hunch they won't be too friendly with him, hopefully he will be treated just as he deserves. If the photo is here please try
and click on it and keep on passing it so everyone knows just what this creep looks like, thank-you very much! God Bless!!

Disciple "Things Left Unsaid" with lyrics

Matt "My Sweet Love" its been so hard baby I try I really do, I keep trying to tell myself that when God calls me I pray "HE" does, I can finally be where I have always wanted to be, where I know without a doubt I belong and sweetheart that is back in your loving arms, Dear God I can't believe no matter how hard I try I never knew in my entire life that anything on earth could hurt this much, oh God how it hurts, it feels as though there is something inside of me just pulling and yanking at my inards I find music as you know I love my music I have always been able to find some comfort in music, I found this song, I am still unable to listen to it without crying my heart out, I think of you laying in that hospital bed knowing how very much you trully wanted to be home, I remember the constant arguments I had with the staff, as each time I came they would say to me Mrs. Groves we need to talk with you, always the same exact conversation, they would ask for my permission to stop treating you, I would tell them the same thing each and every single time, no you cannot, I insist my husband be treated as best as possible with all he requires at all times, and I meant it with all of my being, I told them I wasn't rude, I tried so very hard to make them understand, I knew you better than anyone on the face of this earth, I knew how hard you had already fought and I also knew how hard you were fighting then, I told them all he wants is Christmas, please, last year he never had his Christmas and it is all he has been talking about, it means everything to him, I told them that I had been told by our homecare nurse who had looked after you from the very beginning whenever you required their services and that she also knew you very well and was sure you would indeed be with me for Christmas, honey, I am so very sorry, my heart is just breaking, I think to myself whatelse could I have done, gosh even you tried, remember 'My sweet baby' you said to them at the top of your lungs I want to live, and Dear God, how any of them could do what they did is totally inconceivable to me, never in my wildest dreams did I think that anyone would risk everything to do what that female witch (supposed to be a doctor) oh I often think alot of the reason I haven't been called Home yet is God wants me to somehow forgive her, oh I am so confused I just can't, I beg that God will understand and forgive me for not being able to forgive her, I ask how, how can I possibly, she lied to me, because of her you must've thought the only person you said you believed in that would always no matter what be fighting for you and believe in you, you must have thought for those long blasted six days that I had indeed given up on you, when in reality I was asking question after question and being lied to over and over again, I'll never forget the doctor that was on call that nite as long as I live I will feel a great debt to him, if not for him you might never have known the truth, but when he came back to the hospital and into your room, he had your file in his hands, he was yelling and really angry, he asked them and I quote him word for word, "How the Hell did this happen" somebody answer how in the hell has this man been without his IV, his blood transfussions or his platelets which he is to receive now, how his wife is right here, I have no doubt at all she never ever gave anyone on this staff the permission to cease his treatment, nor for that matter do I see a signature where her's should be, so someone tell me just how this happened, oh he was just furious, I remember the nurse saying he didn't think the doctor on call would come out in this weather, as it was oh so cold that night and just misserable, it was snowing and icy, an awful night and he had already gotten home had his dinner and settled in for the night, but when the nurse told him of the situation and me demanding you receive platelets he said he'd be there within the hour and by golly he was true to his word. I will forever and I trully mean that I am oh so grateful to him, I can still see your beautiful face looking at me, tears just streaming down your precious cheeks, oh baby I oh God how I wish I had known sooner, but they got their wish, they had kept you off so long your poor body just couldnt' do it anymore, Honey I remember saying to you oh God Baby I pray to God you know just how much I love you, we both cried our hearts out and you just kissed me over and over, sweetie I would give anything in this world for just one more day, even an hour, 10mins anything just to see you to know without a doubt you are trully okay, that you are happy, I am grateful for one thing and that is the fact I know your not hurting anymore and nobody, nobody can ever ever hurt you again, I thank God for that so very much. Oh Baby the hell those bastards put you through, some of them I caught but it terriffies me wondering just what the hell went on when I wasn't there to protect you. I am also very very grateful to the paramedics who came to our home, had they not given you the medication I told them the nurse said she was worried during the afternoon remember, she wanted you to go into the hospital, I often think back on that and wish I had said honey maybe we should just to be safe, I say that because I think had we done that you'd have been at the Peter Lougheed not the Foothills, they were very good to you there except for the one doctor who didn't have a clue about medications for a patient with your disease or for that matter your disease, but it was daytime still so I am sure you'd have not even seen her, I know that was one of the reasons you didn't want to go. You see "Baby" I KNOW saying it again I KNOW because I do, without a doubt, had you been at the Peter Lougheed they wouldn't have insisted I leave you alone when you were pleading for them to let me stay, they would never have thrown me out at 9pm with the reminder always now you do realize your husband could die tonite, charming lot they have up there they trully are, they should go into politics they'd fit right in. Oh I appologize I know we have many good people and we did just have an election, I had trully hoped this man Mr. Taylor would be elected in our ward honey you know it was so kool, we got a pamplet from him I read it, and I thought, hmm I wonder if he'd be willing to talk with me about them having taken the survivor benefits off my check and put me down to 733.00 a month to live on from AISH, anyhow I thought I am going to see and I called, well I left him a detailed message telling him just why I had called now you know I didn't excpect anyone to call, but I really wasn't prepared for the gentleman himself to take the time and call me he was genuinely concerned over the fact that they said I wasn't allowed my survivor benefits, especially upset when I told him, they took the entire 2500.oo benefit, I was told they were going to pay for your cremation and the other costs (sorry baby but you know I always tell you everything) anyhow I told him I never even said anything, it didn't matter to me, funny isn't it, you'd be hollering at me I know as you know how hard it would be for me on my income to keep going, heck 733 doesn't pay the rent, I have tried to find other places, but to be totally honest this was my home with you and I don't want to leave "OUR HOME" I feel often as though you are here helping in your way, and baby your love is all I need it all the help I need, I adore you oh how I miss you, sorry i'll get back to what I was telling you, anyhow he was a real nice man, he cared about me, little ole me, I have nothing, no money, don't own a darn thing,and I told him as much, he seemed to care even more then, he was really a nice guy, oh how I hoped he was going to win, the last time I checked I was all happy cause he was in the lead, but sadly he lost and by so very little too, some lady got in, I haven't bothered trying to call her. Anyhow honey, I wanted you to know , huh Rollin With the Flow just came on the radio on Galaxie Country by Charlie Rich, oh I used to love that song baby remember. Oh sweetie how I wish you had got your Beloved Christmas, you know what sweetie I didn't even realize it was Christmas at first, but as I know you know I spend each day except if I have to go out like today to the doctor the same, laying on the couch with our beloved 'kiaa' and waiting for you, I will wait until finally you come, I know you will. It was funny I was so angry today, I couldn't help it, you see I emailed Hon. Premiere Ed Stelmach, and when I rec'd the letter I called, the minister I spoke with was very kind, asked alot of questions, I told him everything, the next thing I knew I rec'd a phone call from Aish from our worker remember Blake, well his supv. called me and said she had been contacted by their office she wasn't pleased for sure but perhaps I will receive justice, I know for this you'd be so proud you hated it when I just let stuff go, you would say why don't you stick up for yourself, and I would tell you aww honey its no big deal, but honey this is onetime you are right it is a really big deal and I promise you I intend to try and try and keep trying until I get back what you were promised I would be receiving. Are you ready for another doozy, this is what they told me, okay ready, it is not allowed to receive a govt. check from the Provincial Govt, and also from the Federal, okay I said if this is really the case, how is it my husband was allowed to received both and for quite sometime as a matter of fact, that was when I got angry as you know I don't lie, and I was told I was dead wrong, there was no way you had received the both, I to that replied calmly, maam I was receiving my survivor's benefit from the pention board which is the Federal Govt. correct, she said yes I was right and that it was wrong, I told her, just a minute, for me to be receiving this check my husband had to have been on it, she again agreed, then I said okay, Aish paid for my husband's funeral, now we both know they would not have done that unless he himself was on this check she got upset with me something about another call and hung up, anyhow it is still ongoing, however I found out the reason the funeral parlour charged 2514.00 okay now considering its only 500 to cremate someone oh yes and remember they told me under no circumstances could I have an urn, however they provide me with one that is approved by Aish, there wasn't one there at the time, well honey you and I both know it is a plastic box God help me, and they billed 300 for it, okay still, but it is legal as Aish actually tells them to make certain that anyone receiving this benefit doesn't receive any change, it is to be priced to the level that totals the ammount of the benefit, and it is true he enclosed me a copy of it. I showed it to our doc, oh man he is so fed up with everything that has happened. Oh but guess what, I was so upset today, I said to him out right, I asked him okay, I said is it not true that I should've been gone long long before Matt, he said yes I was actually trully lucky so to speak that I was alive, then I got really angry and Iasked him if that is the case then why is it I am still here, God knows I so wanna be with Matt, this is just so wrong, I told him I said Matt and I were like 1, we did everything together, heck folks used to kid us about how very inlove we were remember honey, everyone who ever knew us always said how very inlove we were and how wonderful it was to see, oh God, Baby how, how, please please baby tell me how do I go on without you, I am in horid shape, you'd be appalled if you saw me, I must trully look like I am out of a horror picture show or worse, but it just doesn'tmatter to me anymore nothing does. You know they killed me that night, when I phoned up there at 1:15am and literally begged that nurse to please please let me come up, I told her I said I am telling you I know him so well, there is something bad wrong, my heart is telling me as if he is ringing the phone and asking me to come up, I knew you needed me so bad, and Baby they wouldn't allow it, no way and I mean she was downright hateful, telling me the doors were locked, I'd be outdoors, that visiting ended at 9pm and I was aware, then she said you can see him in the morning he is just fine, I was just in there she lied through her dang blasted teeth Matt, why, why why couldn't she have just let me come up and comfort you, oh Baby I think about it and how very frightened you must have been, they knew it too, they knew you feared the nights, they knew how very bad you wanted to live but honey none of that mattered to them they were the most hateful bunch, oh ya and then " Mighty Precious Rhonda", the head of that load of crap, had the bloody nerve to tell me how all of the nurses had been talking and they all felt just plum awful because they knew how very much we loved each other, heck she even said they all said they had never seen a couple so very in love, and that she wished she had a crystal ball cause she'd have done things so very differently, that was when I said oh you mean you all would've been honest, that was when she blurted out oh so you are going to sue, she waas only calling trying to sucker me into believing that they actually cared about you or I, oh no I have had almost one year to think about it, however the one year mark hasn't passed and "Baby" you are going to get the justice you so deserve, if theres any reason you haven't come for me I would wager this is it, you want me to make certain that those responsible for the hell you suffered and you loosing your battle so much sooner than you would have had you gotten the treatments I believed you were getting all along, Honey, each and everyone of those nurses who had a hand in hurting you will pay, and the doctor that lied through her bloody teeth and wrote that on your chart oh man am I ever going to make sure she never hurts anyonelse as she has us, I miss you so very much baby, please forgive me honey, I am very sore tonight, the weather has been fooling around again so I am aching like a tooth ache, oh God I long to hold you in my arms Baby, I want so badly to tell you how very much I miss you oh honey if you only knew, I pray for just alittle glimpse of you even, oh what I wouldn't give, I am hoping and praying that once the proper papers are all filed as I am not going to mention his name here you never know but I know that if I am not alive to continue the battle he will, he is a good man, a law abiding soul, and a strong Believer in Our Heaven'y Father! I love you baby with all my heart and soul, I miss you and you are all I think of, oh man this music, wwlle I am gonna go laydown, this ole body is done in she needs awhole bunch of rest, love you baby till tomorrow!xoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxooxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxooxoxox

Johnny and June - Heidi Newfield

This song is called Like Johnny & June, God knows Matt and I loved just like they did all the way till the end, oh what I wouldn't have given to have been able to go out like they did together, I miss him each and everyday, when I do try and make alittle bit of an effort trust me the second the govt of Alberta realizes this well they take somethingelse from me, to ensure that life doesn't get in anyway easier so I don't suddenly decide I may actually give life a chance, no need to worry, you folks have gotten me lower than even I ever realized I could go, so not too worry, I await the night or day whichever when Matt finally see's I can't possibly handle it anymore and I do know its getting pretty damn close, things that never before angered me anger me beyond belief these days. I am so mad you even made sure that once again this year I will be forced to freeze all winter just as I did last year, I remember when I'd arrive at the hospital to visit my baby and I'd have to stop downstairs and try to dry and warm my feet in fear he'd see just how much pain I was in trying to get there. You know the funny thing whenever I would try to get a pickup to either go to the hospital or return, always I got a bs excuse of somekind why they were unable to make the pick-up, you know the odd part, since Matt passed not once have I had any trouble with getting a lift from them isn't that odd, were you bastards in on that as well. You know I also don't get why you folks want to make so sure we are never happy say on Thanksgiving or ofcourse Christmas, oh my God, God Forbid we ever feel sort of almost normal, my gosh whatever would you folks do, no not too worry, you keep us so very far below the poverty level you need never worry. I will never ever forget my worker "Blake Cameron" telling me that and I quote my cable, internet and even my telephone now you all use as do I your phone if ever you have say an emergency correct, well according to this goof its a luxury, yup I said it and I wouldn't have posted his name if I weren't telling the gospel truth, he is the meanest excuse for a worker ever, this man called me at and again this is a direct quote"did I wake you" as it was exactlly 8am, okay the office only opens at 8am, and as a rule you can't even get any answer for quite awhile after 8 anyhow I was so shocked,however without thinking I said to him,no you sure didn't wake me as I was up all night worrying over you taking my death benefits from me, I swear, now this is just my opo however he actually sounded oh so pleased to be giving me this news, he said oh thats the reason for my call, I wanted to let you know that you are indeed going to be loosing this check as we are taking it from you. Well ofcourse I tried to call where it comes from which is the other govt and they were so very nice they told me not too worry, noway could they take it as it comes from them and goes direct to me and I am most assuredly entitled to it, anyhow what he nor I had counted on was this jerk, when he found out he couldn't take it, he just decided to take it from my AISH check, okay if bychance you are reading this please be honest with me, tell me if you were terminally ill, had severe problems getting around, okay he sent me a form for a bus pass, I am like ya right how am I suppossed to buy it, and I can't walk that far anyhow. But tell me could you live, my check from AISH is 733.00 a month total now, then I get a death benefit from my husband passing it is for 431.00 a month, okay thats my total income for the entire month, now you gotta buy food which I seldom do, okay then you pay your luxury bill (cable etc..) okay thats approx 165.00 a month, the rent is 750.00 okay tell me the God's truth wouldn't you be upset, that 431.000 didn't make me rich, but it helped oh so much, the part that really gets me is they keep telling me oh its okay to get a job and earn that ammount your allowed upto 500 a month, okay if I am then why can't I have this, I was told I was allowed by the worker who originally set up Matt's financial benefits, well according to them he didn't get both, he did too, they know for a fact they are lying as do I, I am praying with all of my heart and soul that God Above will help me, I can't do this anymore, he is the cruelest excuse for a human being ever. I contacted our Premiere, Ed Stelmach, to be honest I didn't excpect much, I got abit of a surprise I told them everything, how they first took the 2500 then now the 431 I said heck why, plus he phoned me 2hours after telling me he had decided that yes I was going to be loosing my check okay, he phoned me back 2 hours later said oh I just wanted you to know that you won't have enough for your rent anymore, he is so mean and heartless, you see as hard as it is for me to walk to the bank, I thought well I'll make it abit easier for me, I won't go get the cash each month, instead I am going to take and have it paid direct by my AISH, well that was all good when my check was its full amount, I had 419 left after rent, plus my 431, I would pay my rent, get a few groceries, I'd even try to pick up a few things I might need, now heck I can't even afford to buy a bar of soap, serious I am worried as this month I need both toilet paper and also laundry soap, unless ofcourse he excpects me to wear the same clothes day in and out, you know I wouldn't be at all surprised. When he first told me this might happen, I told him that last winter due to my problem with my circulation I lost 2toes, they froze, and I had found a pair and intended to put them on lay away, he just shrugged, cold cold man, has no business doing the job he does. You know he has a supervisor, I don't know her name but she is one of the nicest, kindest most caring people ever, I don't understand how in God's name she got stuck with someone so cold as him. He acts as if he is taking the funding from his pockets, I didn't ask to be sick, infact years ago, heck it was back before Matt and I were married I asked if I could please go back to school, I was told I was a waste of the govt. money as I wouldn't live long enough to be able to graduate let alone actually get a job or anything like that, that was approx 15yrs ago, so I think they were just alittle off don't you. I miss my husband terribly, but I know for a fact he'd never put up with any of this, they have made up my mind for me, I am going to sue the hospital, I know without a doubt I am in the absolute right, and I also know I shouldn't have anymore problems living when its all over I should be able to pay my rent and buy some groceries and Matt will rest much easier as I have felt for a very longtime it is what he wants, he would never ever have waited as long as I did, for that I am trully sorry "Baby" but I adore you and I will see to it you get the Justice you so deserve! God Bless You Honey, I pray this will make you happier, and rest easier, God how I miss you oh so much, I only wish you'd come for me, I know now why you haven't you want this, I will file, hopefully once I have done that, all the truth is down, you will then come get me "Baby" I been waiting oh so long for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Always & Forever Your Loving Wifexoxoxoxoox