I miss him too much, it hurts so bad, I love the Lord, I always have, but its just so hard, I keep wondering when will it be my turn, I have been sick for alongtime now, and it should've been me, we both were prepared for that, well we had talked of it, and Matt also was sure it would be me, for that matter up until the last time my sweet baby went to the blasted hospital that is so very responsible for his death, even our doctor thought I would be the one to pass first. I was diagnosed a very longtime ago, so this is just mind boggling.
I live alone except for my cat, I live on good grief if I actually put it in writing it will seem like I am a idiot but its true, less than 500 a month, serious and thats to pay the cable, eat, you name it thats all, after my 750 for this dump I live in thats all thats left. If you think I am kidding about my living place, my cat caught a mouse the other day and I live on the 2nd floor so that tells you what sort of place this is. I live right next door to my pharmacy which is a help and they are nice, I am so damn lonesome its really ridiculous, I wish I was more wealthy, I want to do things, I love animals, and people I wish I could help all these people I see out there without a home but I know if ever I allowed one of them in I'd be homeless too, mind you perhaps then I wouldn't have to be so alone. Oh God why did you take him, I know he was hurting I even asked you not to let anyone hurt him anymore, but I didn't know they had stopped his treatment they went behind my back to do that, they lied out right on the chart and said they had my permission I had been adamant about him being treated at all times, God however can these people live with themselves knowing how very much pain they have caused, I miss him so oh so much, I don't wann a eb here without him I want to be with him I am done as I am not saying antything except will you please forgive me, I just can't do this without him anymore, Matt please please baby come get me please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
My Beloved Husband
Hi Baby, I miss you so very much, everynite I lay here and wonder are you really okay, I ask God when will he come get me too so we can again be together, honey the only time I can say I know I was trully loved is when we were together, God how I miss you, I long to hear you tell me that you love me, or that you miss me, need me anything just to hear your voice, just one more time, oh God what I wouldn't give. I remember all the happy times we had together, oh the really awesome trips we took, remember when you thought I had won one thousand quarters and I promise I'll never ever forget the look on your wonderful face when I told you nope babe this is quarters its a thousand dollars, you were so very happy, that entire trip we had a blast. I cherish those earings oh so much, I won't change anything not a single thing, I have even your shoes still by the door, your coat is still hanging there I guess I hope somehow by some miracle I will wake up and this will all be a horrible dream, these past months will not have been real, you will still be right here with me where you belong, oh Baby I miss you I need you so very bad, in my entire life honey nothing has ever ever hurt like this, I don't know how to fix it, I really don't I try to pray, I ask God to please help me, I even tried to go to one of them grief thingy's the fellow said I was all over the place, what did he excpect, I know, the nurses know, the doctor's know and our doctor knows they literally killed you, they went against my wishes and I was your next of kin and lied through their teeth, without telling me and stopped all of your treatment and honey you know I didn't know, as long as I live I will never ever forgive them for what they did to you my heart hurts so bad, the night you needed me, I felt your calls as if the telephone had actually rung, it was that strong, I called up there, and honey I begged that nurse, I told her please I am pleading with you let me come up and be with my husband, I know he needs me, please I am telling you we are so very close I can feel his hurt as if he had actually spoken to me, and she said and I quote " he is fine, I just checked on him he is sleeping you can't see him until in the morning the door is locked" and then my phone rang at 6:30am and I was still awake cause as you know I was never able to sleep at night I worried too much about you and after I hung up I got there as quick as I could, hung up called a cab told them 20mins was too long as the hospital had called the man was so kind, he knew us both told me it would be there when I got downstairs and it was, the cab drove as quick as he could I was up there before 7am and a few minutes later the nurse pronounced you gone, I knew you weren't though, when I was holding you in my arms and talking to you I knew you heard every word I said and honey I stayed with you until after 12pm as I had always promised you there was no damn way I'd let you go before I knew for a fact you were gone and I kept my promise I kept all of my promises to you. I wish so much I could be with you, the doctor keeps telling me how very sick I am, wanting me to go here and there, I respect the heck out of him you know that but I don't know why he can't just realize all I want is to be with you, Matt you were and still are my life, I love you so very much, when we got married it was the happiest day of my life. I still remember us swimming first in the pool, oh what fun acting like a couple of kids, but we didn't care, oh how we loved, then we went to the lake, you even took "kiaa" for a swim with you, oh how loved we both were, she misses you, I can always tell when you are here, she will go to playing and purring and I know you are playing with your "baby" just like you alway have. She loves her daddy oh man how she loves her daddy.
I ran into Jarod today, he didn't know I had lost you, he was so sad, I hadn't seen him in a very longtime, at first he was all smiles, asked how's Matt doing, the look on his face when I told him he was literally in tears, that youngman thought a great deal about you sweetie, everyone who knew you thougth the world of you unless ofcourse they were jealous of you or if they had ever crossed you but then that would ofcourse be their problem.
I am going to go and rest, I am so very tired, "Baby" if its in your power, sweetie please come and get me, I am so very unhappy, and I don't have to tell you how very much my poor body is hurting, its really getting bad, I at times really can hardly bare it, I just want to go home with you to wherever you are, I know as long as we are together again we will be happy, please baby I am begging you come get me, you always promised me that you would, honey please come and get me, we belong together not apart please honey I really am ready, "kiaa" can come with us, together we can reach back and bring her too, please baby, I have asked you so very many times I thougth perhaps if I wrote it you would know I really and trully mean it when I say I just want to be with you please baby, my life is with you let's be together forever please, I don't want to live without you, the doctor says I am dying so what difference does it make if it is now or later except that its longer that I hurt, I love you Matt I miss you and I want to be with you so very bad, please baby come and get me okay, thank-you my love!
Your loving wife forever and always!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I ran into Jarod today, he didn't know I had lost you, he was so sad, I hadn't seen him in a very longtime, at first he was all smiles, asked how's Matt doing, the look on his face when I told him he was literally in tears, that youngman thought a great deal about you sweetie, everyone who knew you thougth the world of you unless ofcourse they were jealous of you or if they had ever crossed you but then that would ofcourse be their problem.
I am going to go and rest, I am so very tired, "Baby" if its in your power, sweetie please come and get me, I am so very unhappy, and I don't have to tell you how very much my poor body is hurting, its really getting bad, I at times really can hardly bare it, I just want to go home with you to wherever you are, I know as long as we are together again we will be happy, please baby I am begging you come get me, you always promised me that you would, honey please come and get me, we belong together not apart please honey I really am ready, "kiaa" can come with us, together we can reach back and bring her too, please baby, I have asked you so very many times I thougth perhaps if I wrote it you would know I really and trully mean it when I say I just want to be with you please baby, my life is with you let's be together forever please, I don't want to live without you, the doctor says I am dying so what difference does it make if it is now or later except that its longer that I hurt, I love you Matt I miss you and I want to be with you so very bad, please baby come and get me okay, thank-you my love!
Your loving wife forever and always!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Nashville
I know that the people of Nashville really need our help badly! I am so very upset with cnn, I have tried to tweet to Anderson Cooper several times, reminding him about the flooding in Nashville, it hasn't seemed to affect his choice of news stories one bit! I even mentioned you tube and told him, you were there you saw what has happened to that gorgous city, however it hasn't seemed to affect him, so I asked him to go to you tube. If you are reading this I ask the very same of you, I went to my site and because of my love of country videos, Kenny Chesmey's video was there, he is in a small boat and asking for help for all the people who have lost so very much, some have even lost their loved ones, orelse they are missing. If they were fortunate enough to not be flooded out, the odds are the places where they worked were, some lost both home and jobs. Its going to cost so very much to rebuild, like Kenny said, he is one of the lucky ones as he is fortunate enough he can afford to rebuild, however most aren't in his position. The really sad thing is nobody has flood insurance, infact the insurance agents were actually known to tell the folks they should save their money as Nashville doesn't flood. Which should've been the truth, they didn't tell them this to hurt them they trully believed it to be fact.
I watched several of the videos posted, this one really touched my heart. Some people had left their home, probablly fearing the water, but I hope that when they did leave, they felt their horses would be alright, I am sure they never thought for a second that the water would go as high as it did. I am serious, all you could see of these beautiful horses were their heads, they had gathered together by the barn, it was obvious they were terriffied, these passer - by's happened on the horses, they stopped their vehicles and with no thought for their own safety went and got a hold of a few boats, they then got some rope and placed it around the horses necks, they very carefully brought each horse one by one to the shore, I can't believe I am using the word shore in this case, however I don't know howelse to describe it. As soon as the horses could see they were getting close to where they would be able to put their feet on dry land they hurried to the land. By gosh does it not sound like they were in the middle of a lake, the trully sad part is when you see this thats just what it appears like, it is unreal, these folks are amazing, and I am telling you all the people of Nashville are like this. I used to drive a semi, its been quite awhile ago, however I made several trips to Nashville, always everyone was ever so friendly, I remember more than once stopping at the Truckstops of America, the fellow there at the desk was ever so nice, he always had some tickets for the Grand Ole Opry, he often would ask if it wasn't too late to see the show, would you like a couple of tickets, I have extra and I'd be happy if you'd use them and go enjoy a show. He was so nice, the folks who worked there were just like he was, always so helpful. I even met this gal, she worked for a tour guide place, she took folks on tours of the stars homes, she took the time out of her busy day to take me on my own private tour, I was just like alittle kid, she drove me by many of the stars homes, a few times we would see someone, always they too were as sweet as could be. I know you hear the saying the people from the south are friendly and think ya right, but I am telling you I never met one person in that city that I didn't like. I will always remember this onetime, I had my car, and I had decided I wanted to go on my own and visit as I had some time, so I did just that. Well I bought one of those maps of the homes of the country stars, and I hoped my memory would also help some anyhow I was driving down this one road and I knew I was really close to Lori Morgan's home well I decided to pull over and snap a couple of pictures, well the front door opened, this teen ager came outside. I asked him if it was alright to take a couple of pictures, he was as nice as he could be, he said sure go right ahead, he then told me if I waited for about 20mins, his mom would be coming out as she was getting ready right then to go to the Opry, this was Lori's teenage son, and sure enough she did come out, she is such a sweet lady, oh gosh and just as pretty as she could be, I was so tickled. Another artist I will never forget is Tim McGraw, I was also lucky enough to meet him, both my husband and I met him it wasn't in Nashville though it was here in Calgary where I now live. My husband had leukemia, and I lost him this past Dec3rd to be exact. One of the happiest days of our lives though was the day we met Tim, he was so nice, he joked and kidded with us both, we also met Faith, she is just adorable, and if you have ever seen an interview of Tim where he mentions Faith, he always says if you meet her, you can't be in a room with her for more then 10mins and not fall in love with her, well he speaks the truth, we both just loved her to pieces. She spoke with us for quite awhile, posed with us for a coupld of pictures, he was so happy, he often spoke of that day, it was one amazing day for the both of us.
When I saw Tim and Faith on Anderson's one show he did from Nashville, you could see how genuinely upset and worried they both were, they took him and showed him the huge amount of destruction this flood had caused. I wasn't at all surprised to read today that they are putting on a huge show on June 22nd, the ticket prices are just abit over 20dollars, the line-up is amazing, you have everyone from Carrie Underwood, Lynard Skynard, Taylor Swift, Kellie Pickler, Brooks & Dunn, Martina McBride, oh gosh there are so very many, I'd still be here typing this time tomorrow if I continue to list all the names, suffice it to say it will be one amazing show, oh I will also mention Toby Keith and Keith Urban as they just came to mind. I know I would love to be able to be there, they have said it would be televised nationally then I heard it would air on GAC oh I so hope thats not the way it goes, as if your not in the USA you don't get GAC and for that matter many folks who do live there said they didnt' get GAC. I hope its national, all the proceeds from this are going to help the flood victims, these are the kind of people that Tim & Faith are, they give so very much, and always are first on hand wanting to know what is needed and how they can help. Also there were thousands of volounteers from different churches going from door to door all through Nashville trying to help out in anyway they could. I am so very impressed by how this town has come together and are doing all they can for each other trying to get some kind of normalacy back into their lives. I am far from Nashville, and as much as I wish I could do like Taylor Swift and call into Vince Gill's telethon he held and donate 500 thousand dollars I sure can't do that. But I have been doing whatever little I can, I posted Kenny's video on both my facebook page and also my twitter page, I also have been tweeting any and everything that I read or if someone tweets something that is relevant to the flood than I retweet, its not much but I am trying, and ofcourse I am keeping Nashville in my prayers. I hope that anyone reading this will try to do whatever they possibly can, these folks really need alot of help, remember they need us, if you donate by phone your billed only 10dollars at the end of the month, that is helpful, the Red Cross said they had raised alittle over 4million dollars for the people of Nashville. I hope and pray that these folks will be able to rebuild, I know its going to cost alot but if we all give just alittle it will add up to awhole lot, and then perhaps we will have our beautiful city that we all know and love! I thank-you from the bottom of my heart, all the very best to you all! Good night and God Bless!
I watched several of the videos posted, this one really touched my heart. Some people had left their home, probablly fearing the water, but I hope that when they did leave, they felt their horses would be alright, I am sure they never thought for a second that the water would go as high as it did. I am serious, all you could see of these beautiful horses were their heads, they had gathered together by the barn, it was obvious they were terriffied, these passer - by's happened on the horses, they stopped their vehicles and with no thought for their own safety went and got a hold of a few boats, they then got some rope and placed it around the horses necks, they very carefully brought each horse one by one to the shore, I can't believe I am using the word shore in this case, however I don't know howelse to describe it. As soon as the horses could see they were getting close to where they would be able to put their feet on dry land they hurried to the land. By gosh does it not sound like they were in the middle of a lake, the trully sad part is when you see this thats just what it appears like, it is unreal, these folks are amazing, and I am telling you all the people of Nashville are like this. I used to drive a semi, its been quite awhile ago, however I made several trips to Nashville, always everyone was ever so friendly, I remember more than once stopping at the Truckstops of America, the fellow there at the desk was ever so nice, he always had some tickets for the Grand Ole Opry, he often would ask if it wasn't too late to see the show, would you like a couple of tickets, I have extra and I'd be happy if you'd use them and go enjoy a show. He was so nice, the folks who worked there were just like he was, always so helpful. I even met this gal, she worked for a tour guide place, she took folks on tours of the stars homes, she took the time out of her busy day to take me on my own private tour, I was just like alittle kid, she drove me by many of the stars homes, a few times we would see someone, always they too were as sweet as could be. I know you hear the saying the people from the south are friendly and think ya right, but I am telling you I never met one person in that city that I didn't like. I will always remember this onetime, I had my car, and I had decided I wanted to go on my own and visit as I had some time, so I did just that. Well I bought one of those maps of the homes of the country stars, and I hoped my memory would also help some anyhow I was driving down this one road and I knew I was really close to Lori Morgan's home well I decided to pull over and snap a couple of pictures, well the front door opened, this teen ager came outside. I asked him if it was alright to take a couple of pictures, he was as nice as he could be, he said sure go right ahead, he then told me if I waited for about 20mins, his mom would be coming out as she was getting ready right then to go to the Opry, this was Lori's teenage son, and sure enough she did come out, she is such a sweet lady, oh gosh and just as pretty as she could be, I was so tickled. Another artist I will never forget is Tim McGraw, I was also lucky enough to meet him, both my husband and I met him it wasn't in Nashville though it was here in Calgary where I now live. My husband had leukemia, and I lost him this past Dec3rd to be exact. One of the happiest days of our lives though was the day we met Tim, he was so nice, he joked and kidded with us both, we also met Faith, she is just adorable, and if you have ever seen an interview of Tim where he mentions Faith, he always says if you meet her, you can't be in a room with her for more then 10mins and not fall in love with her, well he speaks the truth, we both just loved her to pieces. She spoke with us for quite awhile, posed with us for a coupld of pictures, he was so happy, he often spoke of that day, it was one amazing day for the both of us.
When I saw Tim and Faith on Anderson's one show he did from Nashville, you could see how genuinely upset and worried they both were, they took him and showed him the huge amount of destruction this flood had caused. I wasn't at all surprised to read today that they are putting on a huge show on June 22nd, the ticket prices are just abit over 20dollars, the line-up is amazing, you have everyone from Carrie Underwood, Lynard Skynard, Taylor Swift, Kellie Pickler, Brooks & Dunn, Martina McBride, oh gosh there are so very many, I'd still be here typing this time tomorrow if I continue to list all the names, suffice it to say it will be one amazing show, oh I will also mention Toby Keith and Keith Urban as they just came to mind. I know I would love to be able to be there, they have said it would be televised nationally then I heard it would air on GAC oh I so hope thats not the way it goes, as if your not in the USA you don't get GAC and for that matter many folks who do live there said they didnt' get GAC. I hope its national, all the proceeds from this are going to help the flood victims, these are the kind of people that Tim & Faith are, they give so very much, and always are first on hand wanting to know what is needed and how they can help. Also there were thousands of volounteers from different churches going from door to door all through Nashville trying to help out in anyway they could. I am so very impressed by how this town has come together and are doing all they can for each other trying to get some kind of normalacy back into their lives. I am far from Nashville, and as much as I wish I could do like Taylor Swift and call into Vince Gill's telethon he held and donate 500 thousand dollars I sure can't do that. But I have been doing whatever little I can, I posted Kenny's video on both my facebook page and also my twitter page, I also have been tweeting any and everything that I read or if someone tweets something that is relevant to the flood than I retweet, its not much but I am trying, and ofcourse I am keeping Nashville in my prayers. I hope that anyone reading this will try to do whatever they possibly can, these folks really need alot of help, remember they need us, if you donate by phone your billed only 10dollars at the end of the month, that is helpful, the Red Cross said they had raised alittle over 4million dollars for the people of Nashville. I hope and pray that these folks will be able to rebuild, I know its going to cost alot but if we all give just alittle it will add up to awhole lot, and then perhaps we will have our beautiful city that we all know and love! I thank-you from the bottom of my heart, all the very best to you all! Good night and God Bless!
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