Will God Punish me if I join my husband on my terms

I miss him too much, it hurts so bad, I love the Lord, I always have, but its just so hard, I keep wondering when will it be my turn, I have been sick for alongtime now, and it should've been me, we both were prepared for that, well we had talked of it, and Matt also was sure it would be me, for that matter up until the last time my sweet baby went to the blasted hospital that is so very responsible for his death, even our doctor thought I would be the one to pass first. I was diagnosed a very longtime ago, so this is just mind boggling.
I live alone except for my cat, I live on good grief if I actually put it in writing it will seem like I am a idiot but its true, less than 500 a month, serious and thats to pay the cable, eat, you name it thats all, after my 750 for this dump I live in thats all thats left. If you think I am kidding about my living place, my cat caught a mouse the other day and I live on the 2nd floor so that tells you what sort of place this is. I live right next door to my pharmacy which is a help and they are nice, I am so damn lonesome its really ridiculous, I wish I was more wealthy, I want to do things, I love animals, and people I wish I could help all these people I see out there without a home but I know if ever I allowed one of them in I'd be homeless too, mind you perhaps then I wouldn't have to be so alone. Oh God why did you take him, I know he was hurting I even asked you not to let anyone hurt him anymore, but I didn't know they had stopped his treatment they went behind my back to do that, they lied out right on the chart and said they had my permission I had been adamant about him being treated at all times, God however can these people live with themselves knowing how very much pain they have caused, I miss him so oh so much, I don't wann a eb here without him I want to be with him I am done as I am not saying antything except will you please forgive me, I just can't do this without him anymore, Matt please please baby come get me please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Beloved Husband

Hi Baby, I miss you so very much, everynite I lay here and wonder are you really okay, I ask God when will he come get me too so we can again be together, honey the only time I can say I know I was trully loved is when we were together, God how I miss you, I long to hear you tell me that you love me, or that you miss me, need me anything just to hear your voice, just one more time, oh God what I wouldn't give. I remember all the happy times we had together, oh the really awesome trips we took, remember when you thought I had won one thousand quarters and I promise I'll never ever forget the look on your wonderful face when I told you nope babe this is quarters its a thousand dollars, you were so very happy, that entire trip we had a blast. I cherish those earings oh so much, I won't change anything not a single thing, I have even your shoes still by the door, your coat is still hanging there I guess I hope somehow by some miracle I will wake up and this will all be a horrible dream, these past months will not have been real, you will still be right here with me where you belong, oh Baby I miss you I need you so very bad, in my entire life honey nothing has ever ever hurt like this, I don't know how to fix it, I really don't I try to pray, I ask God to please help me, I even tried to go to one of them grief thingy's the fellow said I was all over the place, what did he excpect, I know, the nurses know, the doctor's know and our doctor knows they literally killed you, they went against my wishes and I was your next of kin and lied through their teeth, without telling me and stopped all of your treatment and honey you know I didn't know, as long as I live I will never ever forgive them for what they did to you my heart hurts so bad, the night you needed me, I felt your calls as if the telephone had actually rung, it was that strong, I called up there, and honey I begged that nurse, I told her please I am pleading with you let me come up and be with my husband, I know he needs me, please I am telling you we are so very close I can feel his hurt as if he had actually spoken to me, and she said and I quote " he is fine, I just checked on him he is sleeping you can't see him until in the morning the door is locked" and then my phone rang at 6:30am and I was still awake cause as you know I was never able to sleep at night I worried too much about you and after I hung up I got there as quick as I could, hung up called a cab told them 20mins was too long as the hospital had called the man was so kind, he knew us both told me it would be there when I got downstairs and it was, the cab drove as quick as he could I was up there before 7am and a few minutes later the nurse pronounced you gone, I knew you weren't though, when I was holding you in my arms and talking to you I knew you heard every word I said and honey I stayed with you until after 12pm as I had always promised you there was no damn way I'd let you go before I knew for a fact you were gone and I kept my promise I kept all of my promises to you. I wish so much I could be with you, the doctor keeps telling me how very sick I am, wanting me to go here and there, I respect the heck out of him you know that but I don't know why he can't just realize all I want is to be with you, Matt you were and still are my life, I love you so very much, when we got married it was the happiest day of my life. I still remember us swimming first in the pool, oh what fun acting like a couple of kids, but we didn't care, oh how we loved, then we went to the lake, you even took "kiaa" for a swim with you, oh how loved we both were, she misses you, I can always tell when you are here, she will go to playing and purring and I know you are playing with your "baby" just like you alway have. She loves her daddy oh man how she loves her daddy.
I ran into Jarod today, he didn't know I had lost you, he was so sad, I hadn't seen him in a very longtime, at first he was all smiles, asked how's Matt doing, the look on his face when I told him he was literally in tears, that youngman thought a great deal about you sweetie, everyone who knew you thougth the world of you unless ofcourse they were jealous of you or if they had ever crossed you but then that would ofcourse be their problem.
I am going to go and rest, I am so very tired, "Baby" if its in your power, sweetie please come and get me, I am so very unhappy, and I don't have to tell you how very much my poor body is hurting, its really getting bad, I at times really can hardly bare it, I just want to go home with you to wherever you are, I know as long as we are together again we will be happy, please baby I am begging you come get me, you always promised me that you would, honey please come and get me, we belong together not apart please honey I really am ready, "kiaa" can come with us, together we can reach back and bring her too, please baby, I have asked you so very many times I thougth perhaps if I wrote it you would know I really and trully mean it when I say I just want to be with you please baby, my life is with you let's be together forever please, I don't want to live without you, the doctor says I am dying so what difference does it make if it is now or later except that its longer that I hurt, I love you Matt I miss you and I want to be with you so very bad, please baby come and get me okay, thank-you my love!

Your loving wife forever and always!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nashville

I know that the people of Nashville really need our help badly! I am so very upset with cnn, I have tried to tweet to Anderson Cooper several times, reminding him about the flooding in Nashville, it hasn't seemed to affect his choice of news stories one bit! I even mentioned you tube and told him, you were there you saw what has happened to that gorgous city, however it hasn't seemed to affect him, so I asked him to go to you tube. If you are reading this I ask the very same of you, I went to my site and because of my love of country videos, Kenny Chesmey's video was there, he is in a small boat and asking for help for all the people who have lost so very much, some have even lost their loved ones, orelse they are missing. If they were fortunate enough to not be flooded out, the odds are the places where they worked were, some lost both home and jobs. Its going to cost so very much to rebuild, like Kenny said, he is one of the lucky ones as he is fortunate enough he can afford to rebuild, however most aren't in his position. The really sad thing is nobody has flood insurance, infact the insurance agents were actually known to tell the folks they should save their money as Nashville doesn't flood. Which should've been the truth, they didn't tell them this to hurt them they trully believed it to be fact.
I watched several of the videos posted, this one really touched my heart. Some people had left their home, probablly fearing the water, but I hope that when they did leave, they felt their horses would be alright, I am sure they never thought for a second that the water would go as high as it did. I am serious, all you could see of these beautiful horses were their heads, they had gathered together by the barn, it was obvious they were terriffied, these passer - by's happened on the horses, they stopped their vehicles and with no thought for their own safety went and got a hold of a few boats, they then got some rope and placed it around the horses necks, they very carefully brought each horse one by one to the shore, I can't believe I am using the word shore in this case, however I don't know howelse to describe it. As soon as the horses could see they were getting close to where they would be able to put their feet on dry land they hurried to the land. By gosh does it not sound like they were in the middle of a lake, the trully sad part is when you see this thats just what it appears like, it is unreal, these folks are amazing, and I am telling you all the people of Nashville are like this. I used to drive a semi, its been quite awhile ago, however I made several trips to Nashville, always everyone was ever so friendly, I remember more than once stopping at the Truckstops of America, the fellow there at the desk was ever so nice, he always had some tickets for the Grand Ole Opry, he often would ask if it wasn't too late to see the show, would you like a couple of tickets, I have extra and I'd be happy if you'd use them and go enjoy a show. He was so nice, the folks who worked there were just like he was, always so helpful. I even met this gal, she worked for a tour guide place, she took folks on tours of the stars homes, she took the time out of her busy day to take me on my own private tour, I was just like alittle kid, she drove me by many of the stars homes, a few times we would see someone, always they too were as sweet as could be. I know you hear the saying the people from the south are friendly and think ya right, but I am telling you I never met one person in that city that I didn't like. I will always remember this onetime, I had my car, and I had decided I wanted to go on my own and visit as I had some time, so I did just that. Well I bought one of those maps of the homes of the country stars, and I hoped my memory would also help some anyhow I was driving down this one road and I knew I was really close to Lori Morgan's home well I decided to pull over and snap a couple of pictures, well the front door opened, this teen ager came outside. I asked him if it was alright to take a couple of pictures, he was as nice as he could be, he said sure go right ahead, he then told me if I waited for about 20mins, his mom would be coming out as she was getting ready right then to go to the Opry, this was Lori's teenage son, and sure enough she did come out, she is such a sweet lady, oh gosh and just as pretty as she could be, I was so tickled. Another artist I will never forget is Tim McGraw, I was also lucky enough to meet him, both my husband and I met him it wasn't in Nashville though it was here in Calgary where I now live. My husband had leukemia, and I lost him this past Dec3rd to be exact. One of the happiest days of our lives though was the day we met Tim, he was so nice, he joked and kidded with us both, we also met Faith, she is just adorable, and if you have ever seen an interview of Tim where he mentions Faith, he always says if you meet her, you can't be in a room with her for more then 10mins and not fall in love with her, well he speaks the truth, we both just loved her to pieces. She spoke with us for quite awhile, posed with us for a coupld of pictures, he was so happy, he often spoke of that day, it was one amazing day for the both of us.
When I saw Tim and Faith on Anderson's one show he did from Nashville, you could see how genuinely upset and worried they both were, they took him and showed him the huge amount of destruction this flood had caused. I wasn't at all surprised to read today that they are putting on a huge show on June 22nd, the ticket prices are just abit over 20dollars, the line-up is amazing, you have everyone from Carrie Underwood, Lynard Skynard, Taylor Swift, Kellie Pickler, Brooks & Dunn, Martina McBride, oh gosh there are so very many, I'd still be here typing this time tomorrow if I continue to list all the names, suffice it to say it will be one amazing show, oh I will also mention Toby Keith and Keith Urban as they just came to mind. I know I would love to be able to be there, they have said it would be televised nationally then I heard it would air on GAC oh I so hope thats not the way it goes, as if your not in the USA you don't get GAC and for that matter many folks who do live there said they didnt' get GAC. I hope its national, all the proceeds from this are going to help the flood victims, these are the kind of people that Tim & Faith are, they give so very much, and always are first on hand wanting to know what is needed and how they can help. Also there were thousands of volounteers from different churches going from door to door all through Nashville trying to help out in anyway they could. I am so very impressed by how this town has come together and are doing all they can for each other trying to get some kind of normalacy back into their lives. I am far from Nashville, and as much as I wish I could do like Taylor Swift and call into Vince Gill's telethon he held and donate 500 thousand dollars I sure can't do that. But I have been doing whatever little I can, I posted Kenny's video on both my facebook page and also my twitter page, I also have been tweeting any and everything that I read or if someone tweets something that is relevant to the flood than I retweet, its not much but I am trying, and ofcourse I am keeping Nashville in my prayers. I hope that anyone reading this will try to do whatever they possibly can, these folks really need alot of help, remember they need us, if you donate by phone your billed only 10dollars at the end of the month, that is helpful, the Red Cross said they had raised alittle over 4million dollars for the people of Nashville. I hope and pray that these folks will be able to rebuild, I know its going to cost alot but if we all give just alittle it will add up to awhole lot, and then perhaps we will have our beautiful city that we all know and love! I thank-you from the bottom of my heart, all the very best to you all! Good night and God Bless!

The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived

My husband oh God what a wonderful life this man made for me, he was so amazing, I have never in my entire life loved or been loved as I was by him, Matt Groves is and always will be the greatest man I ever knew.

We found out six yrs ago he had somehow come down with leukemia, they gave him six months to live, I didn't know what to do as we couldn't get him a bed and three and a half months had passed, but God helped out, this woman was so ignorant, I had gone up to put us in for early voting and she said whats he wanna vote for he's dying, well the others heard her and the next day a bed was available. Not once did I ever hear this man complain, his only concern ever was for me and our baby "kiaa" he loved her as did I as if she was a baby not a cat. Oh he was only worried if God forbid he didn't make it through the chemo what would happen to us, how unselfish and how he loved us. I have never missed anyone in my life as I miss him, I so wish that God would have taken us both, its just so very hard being here without him, he was my whole life, his life was stollen from him, all he wanted was Christmas, but nope they went behind my back, contacted a brother who he had no contact with for yrs and wanted none, he had the nerve to go up, behind my back and stop all his transfussions with his pen. By the time I found out it was too late too much had happened he was so weak, he suffered so terribly, he wound up dying by choking on his own blood and they didn't even attempt to help him, as they said he was dying anyway, whatever happened to compassion is there any left in this world, I sure don't feel much like there is rightnow, God I loved that man with my all, I just wanted him to have his Christmas it meant so much to him, as last year he was in the other hospital all through the holidays. If only he would've been at that hospital I could've been with him as before stayed nights and never left him alone kept my eyes and ears wide open. These jerks would make me leave at 9pm and as I was leaving, now you do know you might get a call in the middle of the night, ironically the am of the meeting where I was to arrange for an ambulance to bring him home so I could look after him myself which is what he so wanted he died. Coincidence hard to believe if you had seen all I have. I just want you to know Baby I love you I always will, I miss you so very much I can't wait till I see you and we are together, God willing it will be soon!
You are and always will be the love of my life, you are my everything Baby, God how this hurts I can't make it stop, nothing helps, oh I misss you so,I didn't even know it was New Years.
Happy New Year Baby. I know they can't hurt you anymore, nobody will ever hurt you again, your my precious Baby and I am so happy they can't hurt you thats the one thing I am glad for I so wish I could've been there for you, I knew you needed me, I felt you so strong when I phoned they lied told me you were sleeping sound, I couldn't come up ofcourse, then a few hours later our phone rang and they said you need to hurry, 2minutes after I got to you they pronounced you dead. Baby I was there in 20 mins, its near impossible, I tried so hard, I pray you know, oh God how I need to know that, I love you my sweet, I miss you as does "kiaa" she often cries for you as do I, I have never stopped I don't know how to, however do I keeep going without you, and your brother is going to pay dearly for what he did to you thats a promise my love, I didn't know I could feel such hatred for anyone as I do him, how you suffered and all because of him and that nurse oh its not over its only begun I will do this for you at least, I will get justice for you I promise you that with my all, Matt I have always done whatever I could this time they tied my hands, well honey there untied now and this bitch will get you justice!

I just read the story from Tabloid Baby about Merle Haggard, now here we have us a true legend I remember seeing him live in Reno, it was quite a few years ago. It was actually a show where Clint Black was supposed to be the headliner, Lori Morgan was also performing, but let me tell you when that man and I am talking about Merle walked out on stage the entire place was on their feet, he was so amazing, and amazed, he was actually obviouslly in total shock by the reaction of the fans, but let me tell you he deserved that and so much more, there isn't a song he has ever done that I don't like and they are all amazing, as is he, I just love him to pieces but at the sametime I am so po'd, as today there is so very much crap and thats just what it is and they try to pass it off as country, the real country is the "Hag" and ofcourse Willie, Waylon, we can never forget "The Man in Black" I mean Johnny Cash was awesome and I know he as well as the Hag gave so very much of themselves to put country music on the map and today they are all hard pressed to even get their songs played, Kris is another and we all know full well he is an amazing artist however he too I can't remember the last time I have heard any of their music on the radio, I either go to You Tube orelse I play my cd's it is my way of keepin it country cause the garbage they play now sure isn't country theres a couple who are good and they do deserve the airplay however the more country they sound the less they are played, instead we get stuck with the likes of Sugarland, come on now they aren't country I wish she'd go to rock where she wants to be with her lover Joan Jett we'd all be better off, and they aren't the only ones anyhow I love me my Merle he is amazing and anything he says is kool by me! Keep on trucking Merle just head your bus this a way okay, sure do miss you!!

Joan Jett living and she sure isn't being honest...

Okay, I am like the rest of the people out there an honest person, at least I would like to believe that most people are, however I was doing a search on JJ to come across the 1st one and under her biogrophy she claims to have soul handidly created the all girl band who were later to be heard by Kim Fowley who changed their name to the Runaways! Now I don't know about the rest of you but pleeeeeeeeeeeze anywhere you look the truth is there except ofcourse if a person was to go to the Joan Jett page where under her bio it reads as I just said. It really saddens me, I remember Sandy West real well, not a day passes I don't think of her, she lived with me in California and yes to say I loved her would be accurate. I had never heard of the Runaways but she did show me their albums even playing some for me, I could tell she loved being in the band and that she missed it dearly is to put it mildly. Not a day passed she didn't play her drums, we would go down to the beach be there for awhile and she'd say hey how about going to the studio for awhile ofcourse I never did mind as I loved watching her play the hell out of those drums and she sang damn good too! If you don't believe me just go to You Tube and see for yourself. If you watched the awesome film Edgeplay done by Vikki Blue than you know already this is a total bunch of bull as far as her being the one who started her all girl band, Kim Fowley was approached by Sandy and she told him she was a drummer interested in starting an all girl band, he then gave Joan her phone number she bussed it to Huntinton Beach where Sandy lived and they played several tunes together then phoned him and let him listen he knew magic when he heard it then the rest was him scouting for the remainder of what was to be the Runaways. You know the thing that irks me more than anything noway in hell would she do the one thing for Sandy that she wanted more than anything in the world and that was a reunioun tour, but by golly she sure has no problem in making money off her name now that she has died and the rest of us who miss and love her, sit by and watch her pull yet another stunt, hell do you know one idiot had the nerve to tell me how very nice Joan was.....she sent a limo to pick Sandy up now you do know and realize Sandy was very sick by this time, a "NORMAL" person would have been in the limo and met her themselves, but every now and then a idiot is born and that is what I thought of the person who said to me but oh no Joan was nice to Sandy she even sent her limo to pick her up. You know Sandy and I were driving in Los Angeles, I'll never forget it we were on the Santa Monica Fwy, we had the radio on and suddenly Sandy is all happy she is jumping up and down, oh wow she said to me its Joan, her single I Love Rock&Roll was on and Sandy couldn't have been happier for her, she phoned Joan and congratulated her, Joan told her she was touring and coming out to California, she left Sandy's name at each venue she treated her misserably, I will never forget holding Sandy while she cried her heart out at being shut out and told Joan was not receiving, give me a break wow she does love to play the diva doesn't she! I was so happy because Cheap Trick were opening for Joan the samething had happened to Robin, well his mgr was po'd to put it mildly so as they were handling the sound, to say they got even is putting it mildly, oh my miss jett came running out on stage she grabbed the mic and notttaaaa............nope not a sound, oh the look on her face was priceless. Anyhow my point is Joan Jett is a miserable witch as far as I am concerned I know she has ooodles of dire loves who will no doubt be appalled that someone dare say anything negative about their precious Joan but its the truth, she broke Sandy's heart time and time again in life so now that Sandy is gone and can't defend herself I guess she has decided to keep on being what she does best a bitch! Oh I would so love to see her get her's and if theres any way possible I can do it, trust me I will, Joan how the hell do you look yourself in the mirror, this was suppossed to be your sister as you called her, mind you, you didn't even cancel your show when she died, hell no not Joan, money is far too important to you. Oh I ask you this do you sleep well at night, by the way the reason I was doing a search I saw her and she was bald, I was as Sandy would've been concerned that you may too have cancer so I was trying to find out, much to my shock and amazement when I found what I did, but I ask you how do you look yourself in the mirror each day and how the hell do you sleep at night, I hope you crash and burn for what you did to Sandy and for what you still are doing to her still today, without her you would never have been able to follow your dream of being a mini Suzi Quotro that in my opo is about what you are...........................

Fear Sucks

Wow fear sure does suck, its such a massive strong feeling, and heck what do I do with it, how can I make it go away, I hate this feeling oh so much! Its funny all the folks keep saying to me how do you do it, how do you stay so very strong, how can you just be so positive, well inside its not that way, heck I am scared to death, huh what an odd choice of words for me to pick, as it is death that I am afraid of right now, damn it, I so badly want to just be able to make this damn disease dissapear of the face of the earth, not just for my sake but for all the people who suffer from it, damn it "CANCER YOU SUCK" I want to just go to the top of the highest building and scream it at the top of my lungs how very much I hate this blasted disease, I know if I did that I would likely feel awhole heck of alot better, or would I, gosh but I often wonder, but then again it is tempting. You know when I am up at the hospital and everyone and I do mean everyone is so damn sick, throwing their insides up, just going out of their minds, the tears seem to go on forever, its like nobody ever smiles, I try so very hard to stay strong, be positive but wow it is so very hard, I lost my Dad to lung cancer, I lost one of my Uncles to prostate cancer, one to stomach cancer, one to lymphoma and so on and so on.
The friends I have lost to this damn disease is utterly ridiculous, and each time another one says oh Nik I got some bad news today at the drs I am like please no, let them say anything but the c word, its like I hate the word. Not to be a bitch but hey where the hell does all the money go, each time I am paying attention it seems like there is another run, or a walk or something going on for cancer research or whatever, well I am not stupid do they think we are all dumb, like where is the cure, I have this super strong feeling that they do have one, but hell then they couldn't get all this money that they get so is that the answer, well I am hurting and I have to go spray my nitro before I no longer feel anything, so that it for this one.