A Sad Part of My Life _Why I am me today

When I was young I was in a foster home, they were warm wonderful and loving people, I loved
living there, anyhow when I turned 13yrs old I was told I had to leave, orders that came as a huge shock to put it mildly, I was so sad and the worst was yet to come, anyhow I wound up in a
girl's home if you can call it that, I often worry that this place might by somehow be still open, if it is it would be the worse sin I could think of, I keep telling myself theres noway in heck in can still be operating, especially as it was a nightmare, not much unlike those on Elm Street, as this caused many a girl to have nightmares, especially if you were in trouble with the workers or whatever they were, some were nuns but not all of them. Anyhow there was this cell it was in what they refferred to as the hole, oh my God I can assure you that any girl who survived a nite in that place would've had to be alot stronger than your's trully, I remember passing by it once and being told that's the hole, I said that's the what?! Only to hear much chuckling as I was suppossed to know these things how I'll never know but I imagine that the girls just thought us the dummies as we were new, not well known, not arrested like was excpected, all in all it was just a bit of a blur, I can assure you I have never forgotten, oh God Above knows all too well how hard I've tried, I spent the most of my life running, its the truth, ha you know when I actually admit it its an odd thing, I know it is the facts, I would be someplace, anyplace noplace in particular, anyhow often I would be really and trully very happy and suddenly I would hear these words "I love you" oh dear, that was a real no no, if this happened it was always time to pick up and pull out, many times I left so very many closthes, furniture and so on and so forth, you wouldn't be able to imagine, can you imagine being that terriffied of those three tiny little words, most women long to hear them, heck I knew some ladies who'd literally pester the bleepers out of their men, usually it was something along the lines of well why won't you just say it, you see in my mind this is oh so special, heck even that word so doesn't justify just how much those three little words mean! I know that Jesus loves me without a doubt, he died on the cross so that I can join my beloved husband in Heaven when my time comes if I am worthy and spend all of eternity with him, I love God,my Heavenlly Father, see you see what I am saying, folks just take those words and throw them around I have never been able to do that, I am so frightened of them, it comes from my youth. I have said so many times that you can't blame your adult problems on your childhood, but for many years what I did instead was I ran away from the thought that oh oh I might get hurt here, oh wow I sure am not going to hang around and let that happen so I am outta here before theres any real danger. Its a sad way to live ones life of this I can assure you! I have a photo here, the beautiful lady with me is Faith Hill, she looks stunning even without all the makeup, I adore this lady. You see she too was a foster child, and she was very Blessed they adopted her, and she became a huge sucsess with her career in music, because of this she was able to reach back and help out folks just like myself and give them a chance at a better life, last year when she did her special she debuted a new song, its called "A Baby Changes Everything" I love this song, I pray that young people everywhere listen to it and realize that life changes bigtime when a child comes along, some teens don't realize to them its sort of like playing house, until the bills start to come in, and the baby is crying waking them up when they too are tired, well this happens too often and poof another child is in the care of the govt, and another little innocent baby is going to spend the rest of their life wondering when will I be loved, orelse will I ever be loved?! I wanted to badly to hear those words, but I needed to hear them from parents, loving caring parents, oh God how I longed for that, but oh well it wasn't to be. I appologize if I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself, I read some words today, they were written by a very wonderfully tallented youngman his name is Jimmy Wayne, he too was a foster child, I hope, pray and yes Believe that with his celebrity he will be able to help a great many of these teens to find a better way, he is a unique young person, he walked from Nashville, Tenn. all the way to Arizona, I appologize as I forget the name of the place exactlly where he ended it, he had a broken foot, yet still he kept going, he has formed a group, its called Jimmy Wayne "Meet Me Half Way" I believe if your doing a search you just put in the letters with .com and you got it, if you happen to read this I do hope you'll give his site a visit. Anyhow I was reading his blog, and oh wow the memories, he spoke of sleeping in a forest, I could relate to that, sleeping outside, under the stars, praying to be safe and wake up in the am, oh wow, I remember once oh wow some of you if you know cattle at all will sure get a chuckle here, see I was so naive I thought no biggie just cows, I am certain I got my sleeping bag and slid out of there just in the knick of time. Oh I was lucky on more than one occassion, a friend was with me once, we decided to hitchike I am not the sort to hurt anyone however I didn't have a choice this time, you see we got into this car, well my friend, was just a tiny little thing, I could tell her that, didn't bother her at all, see Terry knew I thought the world and all of her, but a stranger nope it would really tick her off, anyhow this car pulled over, it was a blue station wagon, he told us he was going all the way where we were so wow we thought alright, well we weren't on the road long when he started to grope Ter, anyhow I'll never forget this, I had been given this old knife, well it wasn't really old, but anyhow it sure wasn't anything that I thought would scare anyone, I didn't have much time to think so I did the only thing I could think of, I took the knife and put it in his hand, not deep, just enough to frighten him, and I was yelling my fool head off, I said let us out now, wow the door opened he's screaming don't kill me and we're screaming don't you put your filthy hands on us, anyhow he screached out of there, we sat there both of us big ole brave gals just bawling, okay it wasn't long and this truck pulled up, well we were very young and naive, thankfully for sleeping bags, okay now here we go again, we are heading in, oh wow we know by the signs we're getting closer, however we also begin to notice and some wow its getting really cold, what the heck it was like 95 degrees what's going on, well what was happening was we were getting closer to Vancouver, and ofcourse in so doing we are going through the Rockies, oh man we froze, we snuggled and best we could underneath the sleeping bags, we both swore we saw them laughing their fool heads off at us, but then again we did deserve it, so we just thanked them and got out. Now are you ready for the funny part, we both decided after our journey that neither one of us wanted to stick around, infact totally to the opposite we wanted to leave and head back, she called her father, well he ofcourse sent her a 1stclass plane ticket, so she was gone, now it was my turn, I didn't have anyone to call but I got me a bus and headed back, I knew I didn't want to stick around Montreal, that was a certainty, so as fast as I got close I met another friend and headed to the states as young as I was, totally dumb to the facts, like they would ever let me get over the border at that young of an age. I did get there but it was a couple of years later, much later, heck I am all over the place with this blog, I appologize, I really do, I just don't know what to do I am so very very messed up tonite, I had the most loving husband in the entire world, I had never in my life been so loved, he knew all about when I was younger and totally understood, he was the only person who could tell me they loved me and I knew it to be true!! Oh God how I miss him, you see, part of what has me so upset and hurt is our damn govt, please excuse the profanity, however its just so mean, I am ill, so I receive a check from the govt as I am unable to work, mind you I asked them alongtime back to please allow me to go back to school, they told me I wasn't worth it, the govt would be wasting their money as I'd never live long enough to go to work, anyhow that was alongtime ago, had they said yes I know today I'd be well perhaps not today,however I'd have worked long enough that I'd not have to live as they make me. I am telling you the God's truth, I live in Calgary Alberta, rents here are not cheap, I live in a place not too far from the City Hall, but before you go, aww she's in a highrise, think again, our bldg is appt that are built above stores, so now you have the general idea, some people who have just a room don't even have a private bath, however I do. We didn't for quite sometime, but my sweetie Matt had a seizure and it terriffied me as he split his head open, such small quarters and I wouldn't quit bugging I kept up, finally getting this one gal who actually checked the computer, and said hey your AISH approved, I said I know so we moved in here. Okay well finally Matt had his check from cpp, plus Aish suplemented him thankfully as they covered his prescriptions and I had my AISH, okay so we are in a better place, when Matt got home from the hospital, he asked this lady that was here, wait he said, what about my wife what'll happen to her, how will she live she told her, don't you worry, Matt you have taken very good care of your wife, 1 she'll get a survivor's benefit, 2 she has her AISH, well yesterday at 8am I was phoned by my worker to be told that poof my survivor's benefit is no more, so sorry he says. Then he phones me back 2 hours later to let me know, oh btw you won't have enough for your rent, I can't believe this guy, I am certain he really does enjoy giving out bad news, I would wager on it, he is the sort, you know when for example say you go to a bank, you need a loan, okay well you can't get it because the guy is acting like its coming from his own pocket, its sinful but true. I know that Matt worked so very hard, he wanted to be sure that me and our cat who he really loved so much would be alright, heck I used to worry about buying groceries now its just keeping the roof over our heads.
Please forgive me, I am having chest pains, I have to stop, I just used some nitro, I am sure it'll be fine but for the time being I am going to lay down and rest. I appologize. God Bless!

My Life Or Whats Left of It

I am so very unhappy, I was the happiest person when my husband was still alive and with me, however here in Alberta Canada they seem to do whatever the bleepers they want, and this is the God's truth! My husband had leukemia, he had been in the hospital, the Peter Lougheed, he always was well treated when he was in there, he would ask the nurse if she would please put a cot in the room for me to be able to spend the nights with him, he hated the nites most, always they did, and always they were as nice as they could be. I loved that man moore than life itself, and he loved me, oh God we were always always together, never did you see one without the other, and if you did it was usually due to the other not feeling upto par, however the one on their own would always hury home to the other. My life with Matt was wonderful, sure we had times when we were ancious for the check to come in, yet always we made it, usually it was just being so very happy knowing we had each other's love always got us through. I miss him so very much words can't begin to say, he loved me like I had never ever been loved in my entire life before. I lived with a foster family as a child who always treated me well, they were a fine family, filled with love, she had raised many children, never ever did she raise her hand to one, she always gave them more than she had. I was Blessed to have the years with them that I did, I still think of and miss them often, May they Both Rest in Peace!
Now onething my beloved Matt always worried about as time was getting on, he was so very worried about me, you see in the beginning we always believed I would be the first to pass as I have alot of things wrong, any of which are terminal, but God must have a plan for me as I am still here, however when we saw that I might live longer than my Matt, he worried about how I was going to make it, this lovely lady that worked with people who were in Matt's situation came to see us, she helped Matt to get all the money he was allowed. He told her, okay this is terriffic except for onething, what if something happens to me, then who and what will my wife live on, that was when she told Matt that I had nothing to fear, nor did he as his pention would cover me, he must've asked her at least 3x's are you sure that AISH won't take it off her check, she said no they won't she is allowed to receive her widow's pention, (dear God forgive me I so hate to write that word or think it or anything), imagine me a widow, my baby is really gone.
Okay today I called Revenue Canada, I was begging for some help, you see I received a letter telling me that my check for 90dollars had been deposited to my bank account, so once again I called the line, nope I have 4dollars and some change that's all in there, so I know I didn't receive any deposit. I also saw this was deposited back in July, so normal folk would just return it, right they would see, gee this isn't my money I will send it back to revenue Canada and they can fwd it to the rightful owner, but nope not in my case, it is lost, you see it went to the Bank of Montreal, that account has been closed for more than 5yrs, yet it is somehow,somewhere in that account, I can't figure it out, thankfully I got a very kind lady who seems genuinely concerned and wants to help me if she possibly can, but she seems baffled right now, so I had to leave it with her and if anything new arose she would call me back.
I then went to see my worker from AISH, you see the govt was kind enough to tell me I am due three yrs of back GST which was such a God Send, as I could sure use it, I have a disease that well here is a real quick example everynite when I go to sleep my feet fall asleep and they are like 2clubs, it is painful, but so long as it wakes me its alright, anyhow everything tight cuts off my circulation, and last time my sweet Matt was in the Peter Lougheed I had to walk with my walker all the way to the ramp at Sunridge and I froze two toes, my feet freeze so easilly its so painful, also dangerous. I found a pair of winter boots, I was going to try to put them on lay away if they have it as they are exspensive, but lite as a feather which is very good, also they are filled with a bunch of lining so I don't need to worry about that, and darn warm, oh I had hoped to get them. I figured I could perhaps get a warm jacket with a hood for 50dollars at Wallmart, anyhow I was thinking with my pention I would be able to get the jacket, a hat, mittens, and a scarve for little or nothing at Wallmart and be okay, well today I learned that AISH is going to take the pention from me, I am not allowed to get it, suppossedly its not allowed, I don't understand.

But today I decided, I am not going to let folks walk all over me anymore, I have for waaaay too long, I am going to sue the hospital that took my husband's life. This doctor had the gall to actually right out lie, she wrote on the file that she had me permission to stop all treatments for my husband, she said I gave her this right, never in a million years would I have done such a thing, I loved that man with all my life, there is no way possible I would have put him through such hell. He wanted Christmas, he kept saying how important it was to him, you see he spent the last year in the hospital, it hurt him so bad, he wanted to be home for his last one, well those bastards made sure he didn't get it. On the nite of the 1st of Dec he coughed up some blood and then his nose began to bleed, well he was sitting up and pushing the call button, anyhow the nurse came, he asked me what does he want, excuse me I am wrong the 1st time he came he threw a box of kleenex at him, and left, well Matt continued to push the button, it was then he came back, he said to me why is he pushing the call button, I said to him are you blind, can you not see his nose is bleeding, and we can't get it to stop, plus he coughed up a large ammount of blood he needs platelets, it was then I got his attention, all of a sudden, after assuring me he had done his job, which he stated consisted of seeing he had all of his meds, he was comfortable and that was it, oh I was angry and some anyhow he then took me into the hall, he reads me from the file, the doctor claims she has my permission to cease all treatments, I went out of my mind, because of my state of mind, and also the fact he knew that Matt was in dire straits, he decided to do the right thing, he called the doctor who was on call, him I respect so very much, I wish he had been my "Matt's" doctor all along as I believe he would've most assuredlly had his Christmas, anyhow he was at home, however snow and all he came in, when he arrived he came straight to Matt's room, he picked up th efile, he was reading from it, the more he read the madder he became, he said and I thank God for him as Matt heard every word, as he must've believed I too had given up on him, and the onething that always made him so happy was I never ever had, 2x's before I would've lost him if it had not been for me screaching to let me in, anyhow the doctor said how in the 'hell' did this happen, this man's wife is standing right here and I have no doubt she never ever gave any permission for anyy of this, Dear God, it is the most horrible thing one can do to another living being the person's body when not receiving nutrition, begins to live off its own organs, its a very horrible and painful way to die, anyhow he ordered back Matt's IV also platelets and blood, all of it, he said he wa sgoing to speak with the doctor who had written this order in the am. My beloved Matt passed the am of the 3rd, at 7am they pronounced him, it was right after I had gotten there, you see I called them at 1:15am and I begged the nurse that answered to please allow me to come up, I said please I am begging you my husband and I are very close and I feel it, there is something so very wrong, I told her I was pleading with her to please allow me to come up and be with him, she said no, she said he is fine, I just checked him, he is sleeping and you can see him in the morning, the doors are locked and hung up on me, I sat up all nite, I never ever slept, at 6:30am the phone rang it was them, get here as quickly as you can, I had made arrangements, an ambulance had been promised to me and everything, to bring my beloved Matt home, so it was no surprise to me at all when instead I went to see him for the very last time, to say good-bye and remind him of how very much I loved him, I will love him forever and always, I pray with all my being he still loves me, oh God how in the name of God do I keep going, I was trying I trully was, but after today I feel to give up, I really do, I can't take it anymore, I didn't think any of them could mess with me, wow was I ever wrong they can do whatever the bleepers they want to, well I am done, I so needed to get this off my chest.
Ooops almost forgot, this you'll just love, you're gonna say awwww bs, she's making this up, but nope its the truth yet once again, the rich take as very much as they can from the poor, oh the poor ofcourse would be me, anyhow I go to the funeral parlour, on 17th its called Pierson's, these people have more money than they'll ever spend, anyhow the CPP alots 2500.00 for the wife or husband which ever the case maybe. Okay, well you know in my case I was his wife, well Matt had made me promise to him to never ever let any of his family know he was in hospital, and he said when he died, under no circumstances was I to have anything to do with any of them, his exact words, they never gave a damn about me when I was alive they can go to blazes when I die, he was adamant, I mean adamant, he made me swear, promise you name it and Matt knew I believe very much in God so he also knew I would keep my word. Anyhow the funeral parlour was told by me my husband wanted no services, none at all, he wished to be cremated, I ofcourse wanted to see him nobodyelse, they agreed, oh he said but its not going to cost very much I am concerned if they'll agree to pay for it, if you were burying him there would be no worry, it was sickening, anyhow his real reasons, he billed AISH 2516.00 cash which took the entire check I had coming from cpp, so that's that oh and yet once more, ofcourse there is nothing that can be done, they are upset that they were taken advantage of, but where I am concerned it really doesn't matter. I am so hurt, so sick and tired of being ripped off, used and abused, I can't even begin to tell you, you know its funny this one gal Lori, she had a problem, she owed alot of people money, she was afraid she couldn't pay them, so she turned around bought some pills from her folks and took them all that night, she decided she couldn't take anymore, for the longest time, I had thought how could she do that, I think I am better understood now, nobody can keep taking it over and over, when it doesn't seem to ever gonna get any better, I believe so very much in Our Lord and Saviour, I also believe if we take our own life, we don't ever get to Heaven, God I wish you did forgive this sin, its getting to be too much, Father, it says you never ever give us more than we can take, dear God, please Lord I honestly can't take anymore! Your loving daughter, and matt's wife forever & always!!!xoxooxxoxoxxox