living there, anyhow when I turned 13yrs old I was told I had to leave, orders that came as a huge shock to put it mildly, I was so sad and the worst was yet to come, anyhow I wound up in a
girl's home if you can call it that, I often worry that this place might by somehow be still open, if it is it would be the worse sin I could think of, I keep telling myself theres noway in heck in can still be operating, especially as it was a nightmare, not much unlike those on Elm Street, as this caused many a girl to have nightmares, especially if you were in trouble with the workers or whatever they were, some were nuns but not all of them. Anyhow there was this cell it was in what they refferred to as the hole, oh my God I can assure you that any girl who survived a nite in that place would've had to be alot stronger than your's trully, I remember passing by it once and being told that's the hole, I said that's the what?! Only to hear much chuckling as I was suppossed to know these things how I'll never know but I imagine that the girls just thought us the dummies as we were new, not well known, not arrested like was excpected, all in all it was just a bit of a blur, I can assure you I have never forgotten, oh God Above knows all too well how hard I've tried, I spent the most of my life running, its the truth, ha you know when I actually admit it its an odd thing, I know it is the facts, I would be someplace, anyplace noplace in particular, anyhow often I would be really and trully very happy and suddenly I would hear these words "I love you" oh dear, that was a real no no, if this happened it was always time to pick up and pull out, many times I left so very many closthes, furniture and so on and so forth, you wouldn't be able to imagine, can you imagine being that terriffied of those three tiny little words, most women long to hear them, heck I knew some ladies who'd literally pester the bleepers out of their men, usually it was something along the lines of well why won't you just say it, you see in my mind this is oh so special, heck even that word so doesn't justify just how much those three little words mean! I know that Jesus loves me without a doubt, he died on the cross so that I can join my beloved husband in Heaven when my time comes if I am worthy and spend all of eternity with him, I love God,my Heavenlly Father, see you see what I am saying, folks just take those words and throw them around I have never been able to do that, I am so frightened of them, it comes from my youth. I have said so many times that you can't blame your adult problems on your childhood, but for many years what I did instead was I ran away from the thought that oh oh I might get hurt here, oh wow I sure am not going to hang around and let that happen so I am outta here before theres any real danger. Its a sad way to live ones life of this I can assure you! I have a photo here, the beautiful lady with me is Faith Hill, she looks stunning even without all the makeup, I adore this lady. You see she too was a foster child, and she was very Blessed they adopted her, and she became a huge sucsess with her career in music, because of this she was able to reach back and help out folks just like myself and give them a chance at a better life, last year when she did her special she debuted a new song, its called "A Baby Changes Everything" I love this song, I pray that young people everywhere listen to it and realize that life changes bigtime when a child comes along, some teens don't realize to them its sort of like playing house, until the bills start to come in, and the baby is crying waking them up when they too are tired, well this happens too often and poof another child is in the care of the govt, and another little innocent baby is going to spend the rest of their life wondering when will I be loved, orelse will I ever be loved?! I wanted to badly to hear those words, but I needed to hear them from parents, loving caring parents, oh God how I longed for that, but oh well it wasn't to be. I appologize if I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself, I read some words today, they were written by a very wonderfully tallented youngman his name is Jimmy Wayne, he too was a foster child, I hope, pray and yes Believe that with his celebrity he will be able to help a great many of these teens to find a better way, he is a unique young person, he walked from Nashville, Tenn. all the way to Arizona, I appologize as I forget the name of the place exactlly where he ended it, he had a broken foot, yet still he kept going, he has formed a group, its called Jimmy Wayne "Meet Me Half Way" I believe if your doing a search you just put in the letters with .com and you got it, if you happen to read this I do hope you'll give his site a visit. Anyhow I was reading his blog, and oh wow the memories, he spoke of sleeping in a forest, I could relate to that, sleeping outside, under the stars, praying to be safe and wake up in the am, oh wow, I remember once oh wow some of you if you know cattle at all will sure get a chuckle here, see I was so naive I thought no biggie just cows, I am certain I got my sleeping bag and slid out of there just in the knick of time. Oh I was lucky on more than one occassion, a friend was with me once, we decided to hitchike I am not the sort to hurt anyone however I didn't have a choice this time, you see we got into this car, well my friend, was just a tiny little thing, I could tell her that, didn't bother her at all, see Terry knew I thought the world and all of her, but a stranger nope it would really tick her off, anyhow this car pulled over, it was a blue station wagon, he told us he was going all the way where we were so wow we thought alright, well we weren't on the road long when he started to grope Ter, anyhow I'll never forget this, I had been given this old knife, well it wasn't really old, but anyhow it sure wasn't anything that I thought would scare anyone, I didn't have much time to think so I did the only thing I could think of, I took the knife and put it in his hand, not deep, just enough to frighten him, and I was yelling my fool head off, I said let us out now, wow the door opened he's screaming don't kill me and we're screaming don't you put your filthy hands on us, anyhow he screached out of there, we sat there both of us big ole brave gals just bawling, okay it wasn't long and this truck pulled up, well we were very young and naive, thankfully for sleeping bags, okay now here we go again, we are heading in, oh wow we know by the signs we're getting closer, however we also begin to notice and some wow its getting really cold, what the heck it was like 95 degrees what's going on, well what was happening was we were getting closer to Vancouver, and ofcourse in so doing we are going through the Rockies, oh man we froze, we snuggled and best we could underneath the sleeping bags, we both swore we saw them laughing their fool heads off at us, but then again we did deserve it, so we just thanked them and got out. Now are you ready for the funny part, we both decided after our journey that neither one of us wanted to stick around, infact totally to the opposite we wanted to leave and head back, she called her father, well he ofcourse sent her a 1stclass plane ticket, so she was gone, now it was my turn, I didn't have anyone to call but I got me a bus and headed back, I knew I didn't want to stick around Montreal, that was a certainty, so as fast as I got close I met another friend and headed to the states as young as I was, totally dumb to the facts, like they would ever let me get over the border at that young of an age. I did get there but it was a couple of years later, much later, heck I am all over the place with this blog, I appologize, I really do, I just don't know what to do I am so very very messed up tonite, I had the most loving husband in the entire world, I had never in my life been so loved, he knew all about when I was younger and totally understood, he was the only person who could tell me they loved me and I knew it to be true!! Oh God how I miss him, you see, part of what has me so upset and hurt is our damn govt, please excuse the profanity, however its just so mean, I am ill, so I receive a check from the govt as I am unable to work, mind you I asked them alongtime back to please allow me to go back to school, they told me I wasn't worth it, the govt would be wasting their money as I'd never live long enough to go to work, anyhow that was alongtime ago, had they said yes I know today I'd be well perhaps not today,however I'd have worked long enough that I'd not have to live as they make me. I am telling you the God's truth, I live in Calgary Alberta, rents here are not cheap, I live in a place not too far from the City Hall, but before you go, aww she's in a highrise, think again, our bldg is appt that are built above stores, so now you have the general idea, some people who have just a room don't even have a private bath, however I do. We didn't for quite sometime, but my sweetie Matt had a seizure and it terriffied me as he split his head open, such small quarters and I wouldn't quit bugging I kept up, finally getting this one gal who actually checked the computer, and said hey your AISH approved, I said I know so we moved in here. Okay well finally Matt had his check from cpp, plus Aish suplemented him thankfully as they covered his prescriptions and I had my AISH, okay so we are in a better place, when Matt got home from the hospital, he asked this lady that was here, wait he said, what about my wife what'll happen to her, how will she live she told her, don't you worry, Matt you have taken very good care of your wife, 1 she'll get a survivor's benefit, 2 she has her AISH, well yesterday at 8am I was phoned by my worker to be told that poof my survivor's benefit is no more, so sorry he says. Then he phones me back 2 hours later to let me know, oh btw you won't have enough for your rent, I can't believe this guy, I am certain he really does enjoy giving out bad news, I would wager on it, he is the sort, you know when for example say you go to a bank, you need a loan, okay well you can't get it because the guy is acting like its coming from his own pocket, its sinful but true. I know that Matt worked so very hard, he wanted to be sure that me and our cat who he really loved so much would be alright, heck I used to worry about buying groceries now its just keeping the roof over our heads.
Please forgive me, I am having chest pains, I have to stop, I just used some nitro, I am sure it'll be fine but for the time being I am going to lay down and rest. I appologize. God Bless!
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