Tonite I am coming here to write because I am so very terriffied and I don't have a clue how to fix it, there isn't anyone I want to share this fear with, I know I could call someone and dump all this crap in a friend's lap, but you see right there be the problem, I don't want to dump this on a friend. I kinda feel like wow how bloody ironic, I never lived with my birth family in my entire lifetime I lived less than two weeks with my so called birth mother, and yet I somehow became the lucky one. I loved working, talk about out of character for my family especially my so called birth mother, she always felt the entire world owed her a living and she took as much of it as she possibly could. Oh God forgive me, we were talking when I lost my beloved husband on Dec 3rd and I won't even try to take away how much she was there for me because for the first time in her life and mine she really was a mother, she felt my pain, I have no doubt of that, she trully seemed to care, I know theres one thing she is afraid of and its that I'll take my life, I have no idea why I believe so much in God Almighty and its the one sin the Lord will not forgive, I won't lie there have been days oh gosh and many nights when I have wished I believed different or had the guts to go ahead and do it, my life is no bowl of cherries. I live in an appt its above a bunch of stores, the rent is 750.00 heat is included thank God. But I am not able to work, as I am terminally ill, so I receive what they call AISH it is a monthy check, it is suppossed to be 1200 a month, at least it used to be, and when Matt was alive he received CPP and AISH to total his check the same amount. When he passed away, AISH took the 2500 dollars and I was told whatever was left over would come to me, well I never even asked about it, to me it didn't matter as long as my baby was okay, I wanted him to be okay, he had suffered more than any human being should ever have to, and when it is done in the way it was in his case its not right, I intend to finally do something about it, I have thought long and hard about it and I finally came to the decission I have no doubt it is what he'd want so I have an appointment Monday to speak with an attorney, I am cutting it awful darn close as I have to file before one year, I didn't think I was strong enough but then I kept on thinking and the more I did the more I knew I had to for him. I loved that man more than anything in this world and it is the right thing to do.

I have been so dang sick these past few days it is scaring the heck out of me, I don't fear death, I really don't. Its ironic my husband always said the onething he couldn't handle was if ever they wanted to start cutting pieces of his body off him. Well evidentally I am going to be the one that it happens to, today when I was at our doctor's office he told me that they may have to take my legs. You know how I always had a problem with really bad circulation I seem to be the one who gets everything in the dang blasted family, my mother has a bad heart well ofcourse I do also, anyhow he said due to my Peripheral Arterial Disease which ofcourse causes my poor circulation it makes me a danger to frostbite, last year when you were in the hospital, remember Baby, when you were in the Lougheed, the night that Access said they couldn't come and pick me up they had no vehicles and they appologized, well I tried to cross over to the station it didn't look that far, but with my walker in that snow and ice it took quite awhile and oh God I was so cold I was literally in tears, there were about 10 police cars all around but not one saw my peril and helped me, they were looking for someone really hard, when I finally did get inside one of the lady officers came into the elevator and searched it, so they must've wanted whoever it was really bad. Anyhow, I am so frightened, last night I had to use my nitro, both the pills and the spray, today when I was at his office I had a pain in my gutt, it wasn't chest pains, but he went and got me these pills, I took one right away as he told me to, you know usually I'd have taken two of my pantaloc and a couple of zantac and still it would've hurt, well these new pills I only needed the one and it really did help. But it figures they aren't yet approved by our govt so I can't get a prescription, and it trully did help.

Oh God I just can't imagine whatever I'd do if they did cut off my legs, but I can't seem to keep the blood flowing, I rub them alot, I try to keep from wearing anything at all that is tight so as not to cut off the circulation but it doesn't matter, still they go to sleep, and man it is getting harder and harder to get them to wake up once they've gone to sleep.

Tonite I was laying down gonna go to sleep early as I was and am so very tired, well as always "kiaa" came and layed with me, heck I felt so bad I had to put her down two different times because my dang legs and ofcourse my stupid feet went to sleep, I was going to try to go upto Wallmart and see if I could buy a couple of pairs of those socks they sell especially for people who need help with circulation, but now that AISH took that 400.00 off my check claiming I wasn't allowed to get the pention you left for me and CPP issued to me, well I don't even have one hundred dollars extra to spend on things I need, I have trouble just getting my shampoo and stuff, as embarassing as it is to say if it wasn't for the kindness of my pharmacist downstairs here he was kind enough to let me get some toilet tissue and he borrowed me the ten dollars so as I could get to the doctor's office I mean that's bad when you got to borrow for toilet tissue. Poor "kiaa" she is going to barely make it this month on her whiska's. I know if I was to tell them that they'd say hey a cat is not a family member they don't understand, heck when I lost my cable that month, I had no cable, no internet and no phone cause they are all together, he had the nerve to tell me my phone was a luxury, I couldn't even call 911 and with my health issues this was a major deal to the doctor, oh man he was just freaked, but I told him I had managed to get it back on, thank God it was the month before they took my pention off of my AISH check, if it had been after I still wouldn't have it on. I worry each and every single month, within a couple of days of getting my check I am flat broke even the kind folk at the bank feel sorry for me, now that's bad, when your bank people feel sorry for you, well they can see by my withdrawals that nothing is spent on luxury items as he called them lol.............. oh wow honey I near forgot I did buy myself a really pretty blouse this summer, I almost forgot and brand new I went into Winner's odd huh, as I always thought it was waaay too exspensive but this one day I for some odd reason just walked in. Anyhow I saw this really pretty pink printed blouse and I had been given two passes to get into the Stampede for free, it was the very last night and I hadn't been so I did want to go, also Martina McBride was playing and you know I adore that sweet lady's voice, she sings like an "Angel" in my opo so I dearly wanted to go, also I so wanted to look nice so when I saw that blouse I decided to splurge it was on sale for I believe it was nine dollars, if I am not mistaken so I did buy it. But that is the only thing I bought me this year. Infact I forget who I was talking to but I was just saying I was deeply concerned about this winter and what I would wear as I honestly don't own anything for winter, remember honey most everything I have is summer clothes, I hardly ever went outside you always did, the only place I really went was to the doctor's and then it was rare. Since you've been gone honey, I go to the doctor's, the bank and to Shopper's usually I try to get my coffee, "kiaa's" food, litter, and odds and ends I try hard to get whatever is possible on sale. I usually can't get all I need but I get by. Oh honey I am frightened, I keep thinking of when I went to Ontario to see Uncle Frankee when he was in the hospital, his leg looked honest to God it was hard as a rock, bluish purple in colour and the pain he was in. You see that's what the doctor says is the disease I have which is why I am always having my feet and legs and now it even goes higher asleep, so it is what is causing me to have the chest pains, he has arranged for me to see a cardioligist, the nurse will call me on Monday with his name and number but he asked me to promise if I am not able to wait for my visit with him to please promise to call for help. I told him I wouldn't call 911 but I will go over to the clinic on 4th, I had to have a special test done, remember the one they tried to do at the Lougheed, when I was hurting so bad and I asked the nurse to please get you, she refused, remember how dang blasted mad you were when you found out. Then they called in that special doctor and he said it was way too difficult to do and he didn't want to hurt me like that, not unless he knew it was absolutely the last resort, remember, well I went to this clinic they opened up on 4th, this gal I got was just as sweet as she could be, she could tell I was really scared, Matt you were always with me always whenever I had anything done and I am so scared anyhow of tests and stuff, beyond scared you know that, I have been that way ever since I was a kid, I just don't understand how come I got so dang lucky and it seems I have inherited all the blasted problems all the family has, I got the bad heart, my liver is bad, my stomach, my bones, muscles, gosh I sound just like a soap opera I quit as I feel guilty even writing this all. I just don't think I can allow anyone to chop off my legs, they may not work good but at the least they are there, heck now I am bawling like a big ole baby, oh Matt I miss you so much. I am hoping that once I get these papers that are needed filed with the attorney, I don't want any money, I just want justice for you I am going to exsplain that the the lawyer, that way if I happen to join you it won't matter, I will know he'll continue and justice will indeed be done, and God willing I'll keep both my legs and you and I can dance together in Heaven, I know I am asking for alot, but sweet baby of mine I love and miss you oh so much, I am going to have to quit writing even the pillow isn't helping, my back is hurting pretty bad, I am going to boil the kettle and get the hot water bottle it will help alot! I love you honey so very much, it was always you, me and "kiaa" that was our family, we never really wanted for anything we were so happy we had each other, life without you has been oh so lonesome, sad, and it just plain sucks. You know I can always tell when you are here though, "kiaa" oh wow she gives you away right away, she gets so excited, it is so precious to watch her, I knew you'd come tonite, because of the news I got from the doctor and I thank-you for loving me. Oh Baby how I love you, I still remember your precious kisses, oh sweetie I would love it so if I could feel your precious lips on mine again, I miss you, oh how I miss you. I keep thinking this time last year you were with me, oh God honey I know you wanted so to protect me, but I wish you had told me it was back, I might've been able to do more, I get so angry when I think of the night you needed me so, oh Baby how I begged that nurse to let me come up, I pleaded with her, I knew you needed me, oh how I knew, I could feel you calling me and it killed me that they wouldn't let me come. Oh sweetie and to think for six days you thought I had given up on you, they lied to you and led you to believe that they had permission from me to stop treating you, oh sweetie, if you hadn't had that bloody nose and coughed up that blood you may have left me never knowing I had never given them any permission of any kind, to the contrary. I don't know if I told you but that one bitch actually tried to commit me, serious the day Linda was with me, I'll never forget it, she put both her hands over mine, she asked if I would allow her to stop your treatment, I said no, he wants to be home for Christmas and by God I am going to do all I can to see he is, well within seconds she said she understod my problem, she personally was going to be taking care of me, that I hid it well, others didn't know but she did, I didn't know what the devil she was talking about, then I asked her out right, she said you are an alcoholic, but don't you worry I am going to take good care of you, I said the hell you are, then I turned to Linda she was standing watching all this with this look like what the hell is going on, I said Linda do I drink, man that bitch didn't even wait for her answer, she freaked, she said is she with you, I said yes she is, she banged her fists on the counter, and as Linda was saying no you don't drink neither you nor Matt have ever drank, as she was slamming her way out of the door onto the elevator, man that was one insane woman, and it was her who literally lied on your file, she falsified it and said she had my permission to stop all treatments, hell as if I'd give permission for that knowing you were coming home, that makes no sense at all. But I'll always be grateful to the doctor that was on call, what a kind and honest man he was. Oh but he was some angry, I can still hear his words, how in the hell did this happen, this lady is his wife, I have no doubt she never gave permission to stop treatment, where is her signature, where I don't see one, just tell me how the hell did this happen. This man has received no treatment for six entire days how in the hell did this happen. But the words I loved were when he ordered everything you needed and said the magic words STAT!! Oh how happy I was, and when you put your beautiful loving arms around me and just kept kissing me over and over, I realize dear God you must've thought that I too had given up on you and you always believed I'd never ever do that, and my dearest love I never ever did, oh God I pray so hard you really do know that, you can never know just how important it is to me to know you know I didn't ever give up on you honey, never, oh how I love you. I didn't want you to ever hurt anymore but never ever did I give up on you, I always believed in you honey I still do!! Well my sweet love I must lay down and rest as my poor old body is trully beginning to hurt alittle more than I like and that's the truth!!! I love you and I pray we are together soon honey, I so don't want to loose my legs, I can't possibly imagine being able to heck how the hell would I even get down these stairs, I have trouble with legs, I only now thought of that, but the thought of them cutting off my legs oh baby I just can't handle that, its way more than I can handle and I know in my heart and soul that God never gives us more than we can handle, its been getting really close now so hopefully this is the Lord's way of letting me know my time is close, oh it feels like it is near it really does, soon baby, I really do feel that. I love you baby, but we gotta bring "kiaa" we can't leave her she loves us both waay too much it wouldn't be fair to any of us, we'd be misserable without her and you know it as well as I do.

Oh man I am so scared, I pray you forgive my fear, I had to write this down I couldn't dump all this and for that matter I am all over the place, I didn't even tell you half of what I intended and rambled and ofcourse repeated all that that bitch did at the hospital, but I am filled with such anger at her, I am not bitter about my health, I just know that I am literally living on borrowed time, well you know I am also, heck my baby sis wants to come see me cause she is afraid I will die before she can see me once more, I told her to save her money, and just call me and you to her she has the power she always has had it. I miss you my love, please forgive me dumping on you, I love you and I felt you were the one i needed to tell. Oh he wrote a letter to my worker telling her about this disease and how it was necesary for me to have new boots and a winter coat, that was nice of him I thought. Honey I am really hurting, also getting very tired, I will write again soon, unless ofcourse I join you first. Good nite my love, sweetest of dreams baby!

Your loving wife, forever & always!!!xoxoooxoxoxoxoxxooxoxoxoxxoxoxoxxoxxoxox

Honey I decided to put a photo of Tim&Faith up its really similar to the way they were dressed when we met them, they were so nice to give us backstage and awesome seats and

they really cared about us, it was so obvious they were trully wonderful folk. Infact when I called to let them know I had lost you on the 3rd of Dec I have no doubt they were trully heart broken over it, they thought the world of you as you did them. so I felt it fitting to post their photo on this blog. Hope you agree, I have a hunch you would!xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxxo