Tim Mcgraw-Back When

Hi ya'll, I haven't wrote anything in quite awhile, haven't been feeling very well and to be honest I found that I was just repeating how really depressed I was, and I so didn't want to do that anymore so I just kept telling myself perhaps tomorrow will be a better day, anyhow with all the things going on in the world I just had to put something down or go right out of my mind, I have thousands upon thousands of questions, I keep thinking of all the stuff going on, and you know the one thing that is so real and true this "SONG" I am so serious, I really do miss Back When, if you've never heard it please do me a huge favour and give it a listen that might perhaps kind of help with where my head is at these days. You see I really do miss back when, these days are a total joke, I mean I used to be so sad over not ever having children, I do miss the idea of having a family that's for sure, but on the other hand I turned on Nancy Grace the nite before last for the first time in quite awhile, I just can't bring myself to watch it anymore you see its always another child has been killed and 99% of the time its the parents that did it. I gotta say though these last two or at least the ones I saw, eating pizza oh I thank God for Nancy because one thing is a sure thing if she gets on them they won't just get a slap on the wrist, I am so hoping that perhaps these two might even really get the maximum I hope and pray they do, it just breaks my heart to think the last thing that this little baby saw before loosing his tiny life was his parents who had beaten him, apparently for soiling his pants and then the two of them sat and watched a movie and ate pizza. I ask you what has happened, gosh I grew up in foster care, I had more love in my life I know it for a fact then that poor little baby who was indeed raised for those couple of years that he did live before they killed him. I think back to my friends and the birthday parties I had, I also remember my foster brother once kicking this neighbour's butt because I came home crying, I was shot with a bee-bee gun by the fellow my foster brother went over and told him if he ever again hurt his little sister he'd be chewing without teeth. Isn't that whats families do for one another, they protect they love, they teach you right from wrong, they don't hurt you, or especially what these two did.
I also find myself really having a hardtime when it comes to anything positive to watch on tv, I know I will sound silly to some but hey I really don't care what folks think I am honest and I don't intend to change that so someone might like reading what I say alittle more its just not who I am, but think about it, serious, when I was okay 18yrs old, I honest to God didn't fear anything, except perhaps the scarey picture show lol.... any hey they'd be laughed out of the cinema today, however the stuff the kids today are watching, oh sure ask the parents they'll say oh but no not my son, or daughter, never they're good kids, ya I am sure they are or were at least, but I don't care who you are or how strong your parenting if your child is always watching Sci-Fi or as my Pastor says i.e. Harry Potter they sure aren't broadening their abilities that's for sure, you know they took prayer out of school, I am still so upset by this, many tell me I have no right to be as I haven't a child who attends, perhaps not but I do live in this society and what is happening with out young people is so very scarey, if they don't belong to a gang or their older brother may then I pray they are in sports. I know when I was still in school I loved sports you name it I played it and I was really good too, I loved bringing home the ribbons I was so proud to win, it always made me want to do better. I know for a fact that most schools today don't even bother about sports, if the parents can afford to send their child to a gym, pool or perhaps the arena for hockey then they are trully Blessed. I know for a fact most people can't even afford to keep food on the table at least not the healthy things we should be eating, not really, I ask you this, if you are a married person and raising okay lets keep it low 2 kids, I can almost assure you one goes without so the other can have, but you very unlikely are able to afford for both your children to do the hockey and all that theres a commercial here I have seen it, this youngster applies for a dishwasher job, the man tell the youngster he should be out playing Hockey, the child replies to him and tells him thats exactlly what he is trying to do, it breaks my heart each time I see that, how sad, because its truth, its just what these poor families are pushed into, parents are working so very many hours trying to get just alittle bit ahead so they can see daylight but sadly it doesn't happen because theres always another bill in the mail, it breaks my heart. You know though then you got the other side, the ones who can't even afford to send their children to anykind of programs or any groups because these are the kids all alone, they usually have to literally decide for themselves what to eat for dinner cause mom and dad if they are Blessed enough to have both at home can't be there not if they want to keep their place and heat and cable, its insane this world we live in today. I ask when the heck is it ever going to get any better. I always thought I'd be able to work, I never dreamt I might become unable and have to ask this beautiful govt of our's for help, oh what a joke, I feel like I am one of the lucky ones though as I haven't a youngster who is counting on me, how hard it must be for the average everyday mom and dad trying so hard to keep things going, knowing full well its not going that way for them though is it.
You know what though its only little things but I so Believe with all my heart and soul, if only we could turn the time back and alot like this song says I Miss Back When, he's got the right idea, cause I know I surely do, back when things were so very different, we all went to Church on Sunday all of us, we were proud to go, and always felt so very wonderful afterwards, and better too, and folks were "Real" they were, it didn't matter how much your father made, it didn't matter how much your mother made or heck in most cases most folks we were all the same our mom's were home and we'd take turns whose house all of us would head to afterschool was out, we all were friends, and you know whatelse, nobody cared if you were black, white, indian, it didn't matter we were just all good friends and all going to school together rooting for each other at the games and oh I still remember the very 1st McDonald's lol.........now that's really back when isn't it lol.........
I miss those days with all my heart, I would wait patiently on the weekends for Ed Sullivan, and you bet I watched it, funny thing when Elvis was on, I was told I couldn't watch him, well I wanted to just like every other girl on the planet, so I hid by the side of the doorway and watched him just like everyonelse from the waist up, ya'll remember that? I also remember feeling so bad cause I had gone against a rule, I was told no and had sneaked and watched him even though I knew I was doing something I wasn't allowed to do. I went in the livingroom afterwards and told what I had done, I just knew I was in bigggg trouble, but they were so pleased with me for being honest that they told me I had learned my lesson and I didn't get punished for it. You know I felt so much better, today that's so light in comparission with things kids are going and getting into trouble for today. I watched the Beverly Hillbillies tonite to my sheer delight, and last night I watched Honeymooners, ya'll remember Alice to the Moon, hey you know we all laughed he'd be thrown off tv today for that statement, nobody is allowed to joke like that, although its considered funny when a lady ( I am using this phrase out of respect not because I feel she deserves it) on National Tv, go up and accept an Oscar for her role in a movie only to use the four letter word that to me really shouldn't be on tv, I will never ever be able to tolerate that I am sorry if you don't like this but think about it, how hard would it be for them to put some class back in tv. I ask you would it really be that hard, it sure caught on in a big hury, do you know I have taken the ski train here and I have heard young gals talking amongst themselves, mind you they are so very proud they make sure everyone can hear them as they brag of all the ( men ) they've been with, I am really sickened by it, and I promise some of the things I heard these kids saying I hadn't a clue what they were even talking about, only reason I was sure it was still of a sexual nature was the replies from their schoolmates, now I am sure nobody wants their young daughter to be sleeping with all of her class and God knows how many others along with it, its so sad, what have we gone and allowed to happen to us, we have let the so-called "Celebrities" decided what we should be wearing, what we should be eating, what our weight should be, what style home we oughta have, what car is kool and so on and so forth, and you know darn well every word I am saying is the truth, its sickening to me and I am sure it is to you also, but there just has to be a way to turn back the clock. I mean come on, they have a show on tv its called jersey something anyhow I saw this one gal I kid you not, this is the truth, I was trying to pass 15 to 20 mins before a show I wanted to watch was coming on so I put on that tmz show, oh good grief, this was quite awhile back, when we had that horrible disaster in the Gulph, they asked this gal from the show, her name was Snooki, that I will never forget, the guy with the camera said to her, what would you do to help with the Oil Spill, are you sitting down, you really should be, I couldn't believe she was actually considered a good influence on today's kids, give me a break, do you know what her answer was, she said she didn't use tanning oil, can you believe that, this gal is on tv each and every single week and seen by so very many kids as a positive influence, they also had her on the Much Music Awards, ya, she was so cute how adorable in her so short dress and high heels she could hardly walk, I take that back, walk it was all she could do to stand in them, and yet she was telling everyone she was going bar hopping to snook herself a Canadian Man as they were so hotttt, oh what a charming influence, I say thank you God Above, you always know best, and I always was angry before at not having children, then I see things and I realize another country song, Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks, so very true. I know that many things are happening in the world today, alot of horrible tradgedies, we seem to just get a couple of months or so and another happens, if its not a fire, tornado, flood, and right now my prayers go out to the wonderful people of Japan, I pray with all my heart and soul that no further loss of life is suffered. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and I know all the world is praying for you all and as much possible help is being done is, I mean people what is it going to take before we all wake up and say hey why is all this happening, it didn't happen before, think back, years ago, how ofted did you even hear of someone having cancer, I am serious it was so rare, and now I don't know a single family that hasn't been touched by this dreadful disease and if they have then May God Continue to Bless Them! I know myself personally the first person I ever lost was my daddy, I had only met him that I remembered at age 13 but I loved him dearly, and I will always love him. I was just 19 when I lost him, but from then it was quite alongtime before I heard it again, except myself ofcourse, if you have ever read anything I have wrote before you already know I lost my husband the 3rd of Dec last year to leukemia. You know these days its so rare you don't hear of someone either having this awful disease orelse theres a family and they are fighting for their child's life, this didn't happen before, not like today, we are doing everything wrong, and I really do Believe with all of my heart and soul its just a matter of time before it all comes smashing down one way or the other. I do notice onething more and more people are starting to go back to Church, the problem is they don't seem to go through with what they hear on Sunday the remainder of the week. I really do Miss Back When, I feel a really good start would be for the entertainers to take a huge pay cut, serious, do you really think anyone one person is worth 30million dollars to do a movie role, I don't nor do I think they should be living in Mansions and giving themselves all sorts of awards for the award they just got, then when something horrible happens in the world they all call upon us, the people who can barely make it from pay to pay to donate to "Their Charity" I ask you why would anyone want to do that, if I donate its through the Red Cross, and I know they are right there and helping. I also believe in helping out the hospitals who help the sick children, be it Sick Kids or St.Judes, cause they help the parents when they need it the most, and unlike the other hospitals they are more than willing to tell you how they are doing when it comes to finding a cure, gosh when I asked the survival rate question here at the cancer hospital, you know what I was told, oh we can't divulge that information, my husband and I looked at each other so confused, the response was they'd be breaking patient confidentiality, to me that was a load of pure smelly stuff, if you get my drift, needless to say they'll never get any of my dollars not that I really have any to spare. I too like most live from pay to pay I was told when I said I was worried I'd loose my phone, internet and cable as its all in one, oh but thats a luxury, I asked her if she had a phone, ofcourse she replied, I said oh its alright for you to have one, for me its a luxury even though without the ability to call 911 it could very easilly be the differnece between my seeing another day should I have heart trouble, no reply, as is the normal here. I know many people think we are super lucky cause of our so-called excellent health care in Canada, I'll let you in on a secret, most of the people who can afford it go to the states for their surguries and that's the truth, its often in the papers. I also have read so very many times of people who died just waiting to be given an oncologist, and this makes me ill to my belly! I read this poor husband's column he had somehow managed to get it in without anyone taking it out, I was happy I knew it had given him alot of comfort and God knows he needed all he could get, he said he wasn't able to even get medication for his dying wife because he couldn't get an appointment for her, heck they knew how much pain this poor woman was in, what is our world coming to, I know I am not proud of it, I would so love for all of us to be able to hold our heads up and feel proud of the people we are, but its not easy is it, not when you know you fear to go outside at night for theres been so very many stabbings, and the murder rate has already gone way up from the year before and hey we are only in March, what's that saying about our younger generations. We fear the water we drink, half the time they are re-calling the beef in our grocery stores, the lettuce, spinach, beets, orange juice, I know theres been thousands more, heck just cars alone and then let us not forget all the items re-called that are suppossed to protect our youngsters, if we keep going at the rate we are, I don't Believe for a second anyone will have to worry about the future generation as there won't be any to worry about, we are slowly killing them ourselves I sure don't have any major solutions but I know a nice start would be if we allowed our children the right to pray the Lord's prayer in schools again, it would show God we are trying, and then just keep getting rid of the terrible trash on tv and try going back to shows we all could watch together as a family and feel proud of, and time with family is quality time at best! I have so much going through my head right now, but I need to rest and take a break, but this is something I feel very strong about so I sure do intend to write more on it, we need to start to do the right thing instead of going along with the trend, I always was one who pretty much did as she chose, I never was one to just wear the in-thing, I am not about to start letting folks tell me how to live, when to pray or who to pray to, I love God, I am proud of this fact and I feel the power of prayer each and everyday, and I do hope you are all praying for Japan, they really do need our prayers! Thank-you and May God Bless Each & Everyone of You!xo

Elvis Presley - How Great Thou Art 1977

I am posting this video for a trully special little girl, a real life "Angel" she is now with our Lord and Saviour! I am sure you have all heard of her her name is Christina Taylor, she was burried a few days ago in Tuscon Arizona. Sadly she was one of the people killed in that senseless killing rampage. I refuse to post her murderers name as he is not important the important one here is this precious little girl, her life was taken far too soon! This little "Angel" was born on Sept.11th the day the world stood still, our beautiful Twin Towers fell and oh God in Heaven so very very many lives were lost. This little girl was special from day one, she always wanted to do things and she did whatever she set her mind to. Infact she was the only girl playing ball on the baseball team, all the other players were boys but that didn't deter her, oh no Christina knew she was gifted and that she could do whatever she put her mind to, so she made the team. She was so young but already she was interested in Politics. She was elected to be the Class President so that was huge, wow she had won her first election, she was on her way. Well a dear friend of her's offered to take her to the Rally at the Safeway, ofcourse her parents had no problem with this as it was a great opportunity for Christina to meet a lady and shake hands with her, sadly she never got to shake hands with her as she was gunned down by a maniac before her dream could be realized.
It breaks my heart that this tiny soul is no longer with us, she was an inspiration to so very many people, this will sound so little but I must say it as to me it trully is alot, my doctors have been telling me you can't do this and you can't do that and well I been missing "Matt my husband" so very much" that I was going along with whatever they were saying I really didn't want to live anymore but when I read about this little girl and how much she had done, looked into those big brown eyes something happened to me, for the first time in a very longtime I decided I didn't want to die, I know it sounds morbid, but to be honest with all of you, I have been living my life for the day I'd die and join my husband, I knew it shouldn't be too long,well now I have decided to fight, I don't want to die, heck no I want to live, so I am going to die to live instead of the reverse.
I say God Bless You "Christina Taylor" because of your courage by golly I am going to give it my all, I am going to take a computer course so I can get a really good job and tell the govt where they can go pardon the punch but it is true lol.........."Rest in Peace You Sweet Angel" Oh God You are so very missed"!!!!!!!!!!!
love nikkixo

Emerson Drive - When I See You Again

When I first heard this song, I thought right away of my beloved Matt, I miss him each and every single day, he'd of loved this song, I know he had people he missed and I thank God he can now talk with them each and every single day anytime he wants to, I hope he knows how missed and very loved he is and he always will be. I know they did this song because they too miss someone terribly they miss their beloved drummer, and I also Believe that he heard them singing and playing their insruments and it was for him, I have no doubt that he does indeed know, just like I Believe with all of my heart and soul that Matt hears this song and knows how much I miss him and look forward to seeing him again, but I also have learned something else, I am trying each and everyday of my life to live in the present and not just in the past, I have been trying to go forward, I remember a conversation I had with Matt, it was a good year before I lost him, the doctor's a couple of them had given up on him and he was no fool he knew it, so he too had begun to give up, I wouldn't let him, I heard what he was trying to tell me, to live, that I was still young, he even said I was good looking ( to him ) lol.. anyhow I cut him short, I even got alittle mad at him, I told him there wasn't another man alive I would ever be interested in, He was "My Soul Mate" I told him that then, and I tell him again today, however that day I got through to him, I told him he was listening to people who didn't even know him, I said Matt I know you better than anyone on this earth, I have spent many years with you night and day, I have gone through a couple of rounds of chemo with you, this doctor hasn't he doesn't know how it affects you, I reminded him of the ammount of pain meds they were giving to him, and God love him, I did get through and I asked him for one day to try to talk with the doctor when he came in the following morning he said okay, well the doctor who was on God Bless Him, he did listen and Matt was home for good 2days later, and he lived an entire year more, they wanted to put him in Palative Care, no more transfussions nothing except pain meds, well had they done that I'd have lost him then, thankfully this doctor had a heart and he gave me the benefit of the doubt, cut the pain meds off and thankfully he saw I was indeed right, Matt was sitting up eating breakfast when he next came in, he allowed him that afternoon home and the following day he discarged him, the doctor's are not always right, if you happen to be reading this, please if you have someone who is ill, be sure you have no doubt, remember you know your loved one better than they do, make absolute sure there trully is nothing that can be done you might just have your loved one awhole lot longer! I thank-you and wish you all the best! God Bless! xo

p.s."Baby" I love & miss you so very much, until we meet again!xoxoxo