Tonite I am coming here to write because I am so very terriffied and I don't have a clue how to fix it, there isn't anyone I want to share this fear with, I know I could call someone and dump all this crap in a friend's lap, but you see right there be the problem, I don't want to dump this on a friend. I kinda feel like wow how bloody ironic, I never lived with my birth family in my entire lifetime I lived less than two weeks with my so called birth mother, and yet I somehow became the lucky one. I loved working, talk about out of character for my family especially my so called birth mother, she always felt the entire world owed her a living and she took as much of it as she possibly could. Oh God forgive me, we were talking when I lost my beloved husband on Dec 3rd and I won't even try to take away how much she was there for me because for the first time in her life and mine she really was a mother, she felt my pain, I have no doubt of that, she trully seemed to care, I know theres one thing she is afraid of and its that I'll take my life, I have no idea why I believe so much in God Almighty and its the one sin the Lord will not forgive, I won't lie there have been days oh gosh and many nights when I have wished I believed different or had the guts to go ahead and do it, my life is no bowl of cherries. I live in an appt its above a bunch of stores, the rent is 750.00 heat is included thank God. But I am not able to work, as I am terminally ill, so I receive what they call AISH it is a monthy check, it is suppossed to be 1200 a month, at least it used to be, and when Matt was alive he received CPP and AISH to total his check the same amount. When he passed away, AISH took the 2500 dollars and I was told whatever was left over would come to me, well I never even asked about it, to me it didn't matter as long as my baby was okay, I wanted him to be okay, he had suffered more than any human being should ever have to, and when it is done in the way it was in his case its not right, I intend to finally do something about it, I have thought long and hard about it and I finally came to the decission I have no doubt it is what he'd want so I have an appointment Monday to speak with an attorney, I am cutting it awful darn close as I have to file before one year, I didn't think I was strong enough but then I kept on thinking and the more I did the more I knew I had to for him. I loved that man more than anything in this world and it is the right thing to do.

I have been so dang sick these past few days it is scaring the heck out of me, I don't fear death, I really don't. Its ironic my husband always said the onething he couldn't handle was if ever they wanted to start cutting pieces of his body off him. Well evidentally I am going to be the one that it happens to, today when I was at our doctor's office he told me that they may have to take my legs. You know how I always had a problem with really bad circulation I seem to be the one who gets everything in the dang blasted family, my mother has a bad heart well ofcourse I do also, anyhow he said due to my Peripheral Arterial Disease which ofcourse causes my poor circulation it makes me a danger to frostbite, last year when you were in the hospital, remember Baby, when you were in the Lougheed, the night that Access said they couldn't come and pick me up they had no vehicles and they appologized, well I tried to cross over to the station it didn't look that far, but with my walker in that snow and ice it took quite awhile and oh God I was so cold I was literally in tears, there were about 10 police cars all around but not one saw my peril and helped me, they were looking for someone really hard, when I finally did get inside one of the lady officers came into the elevator and searched it, so they must've wanted whoever it was really bad. Anyhow, I am so frightened, last night I had to use my nitro, both the pills and the spray, today when I was at his office I had a pain in my gutt, it wasn't chest pains, but he went and got me these pills, I took one right away as he told me to, you know usually I'd have taken two of my pantaloc and a couple of zantac and still it would've hurt, well these new pills I only needed the one and it really did help. But it figures they aren't yet approved by our govt so I can't get a prescription, and it trully did help.

Oh God I just can't imagine whatever I'd do if they did cut off my legs, but I can't seem to keep the blood flowing, I rub them alot, I try to keep from wearing anything at all that is tight so as not to cut off the circulation but it doesn't matter, still they go to sleep, and man it is getting harder and harder to get them to wake up once they've gone to sleep.

Tonite I was laying down gonna go to sleep early as I was and am so very tired, well as always "kiaa" came and layed with me, heck I felt so bad I had to put her down two different times because my dang legs and ofcourse my stupid feet went to sleep, I was going to try to go upto Wallmart and see if I could buy a couple of pairs of those socks they sell especially for people who need help with circulation, but now that AISH took that 400.00 off my check claiming I wasn't allowed to get the pention you left for me and CPP issued to me, well I don't even have one hundred dollars extra to spend on things I need, I have trouble just getting my shampoo and stuff, as embarassing as it is to say if it wasn't for the kindness of my pharmacist downstairs here he was kind enough to let me get some toilet tissue and he borrowed me the ten dollars so as I could get to the doctor's office I mean that's bad when you got to borrow for toilet tissue. Poor "kiaa" she is going to barely make it this month on her whiska's. I know if I was to tell them that they'd say hey a cat is not a family member they don't understand, heck when I lost my cable that month, I had no cable, no internet and no phone cause they are all together, he had the nerve to tell me my phone was a luxury, I couldn't even call 911 and with my health issues this was a major deal to the doctor, oh man he was just freaked, but I told him I had managed to get it back on, thank God it was the month before they took my pention off of my AISH check, if it had been after I still wouldn't have it on. I worry each and every single month, within a couple of days of getting my check I am flat broke even the kind folk at the bank feel sorry for me, now that's bad, when your bank people feel sorry for you, well they can see by my withdrawals that nothing is spent on luxury items as he called them lol.............. oh wow honey I near forgot I did buy myself a really pretty blouse this summer, I almost forgot and brand new I went into Winner's odd huh, as I always thought it was waaay too exspensive but this one day I for some odd reason just walked in. Anyhow I saw this really pretty pink printed blouse and I had been given two passes to get into the Stampede for free, it was the very last night and I hadn't been so I did want to go, also Martina McBride was playing and you know I adore that sweet lady's voice, she sings like an "Angel" in my opo so I dearly wanted to go, also I so wanted to look nice so when I saw that blouse I decided to splurge it was on sale for I believe it was nine dollars, if I am not mistaken so I did buy it. But that is the only thing I bought me this year. Infact I forget who I was talking to but I was just saying I was deeply concerned about this winter and what I would wear as I honestly don't own anything for winter, remember honey most everything I have is summer clothes, I hardly ever went outside you always did, the only place I really went was to the doctor's and then it was rare. Since you've been gone honey, I go to the doctor's, the bank and to Shopper's usually I try to get my coffee, "kiaa's" food, litter, and odds and ends I try hard to get whatever is possible on sale. I usually can't get all I need but I get by. Oh honey I am frightened, I keep thinking of when I went to Ontario to see Uncle Frankee when he was in the hospital, his leg looked honest to God it was hard as a rock, bluish purple in colour and the pain he was in. You see that's what the doctor says is the disease I have which is why I am always having my feet and legs and now it even goes higher asleep, so it is what is causing me to have the chest pains, he has arranged for me to see a cardioligist, the nurse will call me on Monday with his name and number but he asked me to promise if I am not able to wait for my visit with him to please promise to call for help. I told him I wouldn't call 911 but I will go over to the clinic on 4th, I had to have a special test done, remember the one they tried to do at the Lougheed, when I was hurting so bad and I asked the nurse to please get you, she refused, remember how dang blasted mad you were when you found out. Then they called in that special doctor and he said it was way too difficult to do and he didn't want to hurt me like that, not unless he knew it was absolutely the last resort, remember, well I went to this clinic they opened up on 4th, this gal I got was just as sweet as she could be, she could tell I was really scared, Matt you were always with me always whenever I had anything done and I am so scared anyhow of tests and stuff, beyond scared you know that, I have been that way ever since I was a kid, I just don't understand how come I got so dang lucky and it seems I have inherited all the blasted problems all the family has, I got the bad heart, my liver is bad, my stomach, my bones, muscles, gosh I sound just like a soap opera I quit as I feel guilty even writing this all. I just don't think I can allow anyone to chop off my legs, they may not work good but at the least they are there, heck now I am bawling like a big ole baby, oh Matt I miss you so much. I am hoping that once I get these papers that are needed filed with the attorney, I don't want any money, I just want justice for you I am going to exsplain that the the lawyer, that way if I happen to join you it won't matter, I will know he'll continue and justice will indeed be done, and God willing I'll keep both my legs and you and I can dance together in Heaven, I know I am asking for alot, but sweet baby of mine I love and miss you oh so much, I am going to have to quit writing even the pillow isn't helping, my back is hurting pretty bad, I am going to boil the kettle and get the hot water bottle it will help alot! I love you honey so very much, it was always you, me and "kiaa" that was our family, we never really wanted for anything we were so happy we had each other, life without you has been oh so lonesome, sad, and it just plain sucks. You know I can always tell when you are here though, "kiaa" oh wow she gives you away right away, she gets so excited, it is so precious to watch her, I knew you'd come tonite, because of the news I got from the doctor and I thank-you for loving me. Oh Baby how I love you, I still remember your precious kisses, oh sweetie I would love it so if I could feel your precious lips on mine again, I miss you, oh how I miss you. I keep thinking this time last year you were with me, oh God honey I know you wanted so to protect me, but I wish you had told me it was back, I might've been able to do more, I get so angry when I think of the night you needed me so, oh Baby how I begged that nurse to let me come up, I pleaded with her, I knew you needed me, oh how I knew, I could feel you calling me and it killed me that they wouldn't let me come. Oh sweetie and to think for six days you thought I had given up on you, they lied to you and led you to believe that they had permission from me to stop treating you, oh sweetie, if you hadn't had that bloody nose and coughed up that blood you may have left me never knowing I had never given them any permission of any kind, to the contrary. I don't know if I told you but that one bitch actually tried to commit me, serious the day Linda was with me, I'll never forget it, she put both her hands over mine, she asked if I would allow her to stop your treatment, I said no, he wants to be home for Christmas and by God I am going to do all I can to see he is, well within seconds she said she understod my problem, she personally was going to be taking care of me, that I hid it well, others didn't know but she did, I didn't know what the devil she was talking about, then I asked her out right, she said you are an alcoholic, but don't you worry I am going to take good care of you, I said the hell you are, then I turned to Linda she was standing watching all this with this look like what the hell is going on, I said Linda do I drink, man that bitch didn't even wait for her answer, she freaked, she said is she with you, I said yes she is, she banged her fists on the counter, and as Linda was saying no you don't drink neither you nor Matt have ever drank, as she was slamming her way out of the door onto the elevator, man that was one insane woman, and it was her who literally lied on your file, she falsified it and said she had my permission to stop all treatments, hell as if I'd give permission for that knowing you were coming home, that makes no sense at all. But I'll always be grateful to the doctor that was on call, what a kind and honest man he was. Oh but he was some angry, I can still hear his words, how in the hell did this happen, this lady is his wife, I have no doubt she never gave permission to stop treatment, where is her signature, where I don't see one, just tell me how the hell did this happen. This man has received no treatment for six entire days how in the hell did this happen. But the words I loved were when he ordered everything you needed and said the magic words STAT!! Oh how happy I was, and when you put your beautiful loving arms around me and just kept kissing me over and over, I realize dear God you must've thought that I too had given up on you and you always believed I'd never ever do that, and my dearest love I never ever did, oh God I pray so hard you really do know that, you can never know just how important it is to me to know you know I didn't ever give up on you honey, never, oh how I love you. I didn't want you to ever hurt anymore but never ever did I give up on you, I always believed in you honey I still do!! Well my sweet love I must lay down and rest as my poor old body is trully beginning to hurt alittle more than I like and that's the truth!!! I love you and I pray we are together soon honey, I so don't want to loose my legs, I can't possibly imagine being able to heck how the hell would I even get down these stairs, I have trouble with legs, I only now thought of that, but the thought of them cutting off my legs oh baby I just can't handle that, its way more than I can handle and I know in my heart and soul that God never gives us more than we can handle, its been getting really close now so hopefully this is the Lord's way of letting me know my time is close, oh it feels like it is near it really does, soon baby, I really do feel that. I love you baby, but we gotta bring "kiaa" we can't leave her she loves us both waay too much it wouldn't be fair to any of us, we'd be misserable without her and you know it as well as I do.

Oh man I am so scared, I pray you forgive my fear, I had to write this down I couldn't dump all this and for that matter I am all over the place, I didn't even tell you half of what I intended and rambled and ofcourse repeated all that that bitch did at the hospital, but I am filled with such anger at her, I am not bitter about my health, I just know that I am literally living on borrowed time, well you know I am also, heck my baby sis wants to come see me cause she is afraid I will die before she can see me once more, I told her to save her money, and just call me and you to her she has the power she always has had it. I miss you my love, please forgive me dumping on you, I love you and I felt you were the one i needed to tell. Oh he wrote a letter to my worker telling her about this disease and how it was necesary for me to have new boots and a winter coat, that was nice of him I thought. Honey I am really hurting, also getting very tired, I will write again soon, unless ofcourse I join you first. Good nite my love, sweetest of dreams baby!

Your loving wife, forever & always!!!xoxoooxoxoxoxoxxooxoxoxoxxoxoxoxxoxxoxox

Honey I decided to put a photo of Tim&Faith up its really similar to the way they were dressed when we met them, they were so nice to give us backstage and awesome seats and

they really cared about us, it was so obvious they were trully wonderful folk. Infact when I called to let them know I had lost you on the 3rd of Dec I have no doubt they were trully heart broken over it, they thought the world of you as you did them. so I felt it fitting to post their photo on this blog. Hope you agree, I have a hunch you would!xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxxo

CBC News - Montreal - Former cop jailed for rape gets parole

CBC News - Montreal - Former cop jailed for rape gets parole

Ok I don't think it posted the picture of this monster, please if it didn't and you happen upon this would you please
be so kind as to go to cbs newspaper and look up the photo of the cop who is being released on early parole for raping
young girls 15of them to be exact, very early he only served I believe 2yrs they gave him credit for 4yrs he didn't even
serve, they figure the big ole you naughty boy he heard was enough, what about the young girls, okay I never usually do
this but this is onetime I am going to, I am now 53years old okay, when I was 11 I was raped to this very night yes I say
night I still have trouble sleeping, I really do, I have never really gotten over what happened to me, in my case the family
where it happened used me as a baby-sitter he snuck home early and he violated me, I was just a mess for years and years
and that's the God's truth. My wonderful foster family did try to get justice for me, to no avail, I will never forget that Judges
words he said well after all he is a respected businessman and she is "just" a foster child, okay well this time I doubt very much
that each and everyone of these children were foster kids, and hopefully much has changed but then again I worry since they are
letting him out, but perhaps if enough folks read this and get good and angry perhaps this sob will be right back where he should be
behind bars and I do hope he is in general population throw him in with the others, most of whom are fathers of young girls, I have a
pretty good hunch they won't be too friendly with him, hopefully he will be treated just as he deserves. If the photo is here please try
and click on it and keep on passing it so everyone knows just what this creep looks like, thank-you very much! God Bless!!

Disciple "Things Left Unsaid" with lyrics

Matt "My Sweet Love" its been so hard baby I try I really do, I keep trying to tell myself that when God calls me I pray "HE" does, I can finally be where I have always wanted to be, where I know without a doubt I belong and sweetheart that is back in your loving arms, Dear God I can't believe no matter how hard I try I never knew in my entire life that anything on earth could hurt this much, oh God how it hurts, it feels as though there is something inside of me just pulling and yanking at my inards I find music as you know I love my music I have always been able to find some comfort in music, I found this song, I am still unable to listen to it without crying my heart out, I think of you laying in that hospital bed knowing how very much you trully wanted to be home, I remember the constant arguments I had with the staff, as each time I came they would say to me Mrs. Groves we need to talk with you, always the same exact conversation, they would ask for my permission to stop treating you, I would tell them the same thing each and every single time, no you cannot, I insist my husband be treated as best as possible with all he requires at all times, and I meant it with all of my being, I told them I wasn't rude, I tried so very hard to make them understand, I knew you better than anyone on the face of this earth, I knew how hard you had already fought and I also knew how hard you were fighting then, I told them all he wants is Christmas, please, last year he never had his Christmas and it is all he has been talking about, it means everything to him, I told them that I had been told by our homecare nurse who had looked after you from the very beginning whenever you required their services and that she also knew you very well and was sure you would indeed be with me for Christmas, honey, I am so very sorry, my heart is just breaking, I think to myself whatelse could I have done, gosh even you tried, remember 'My sweet baby' you said to them at the top of your lungs I want to live, and Dear God, how any of them could do what they did is totally inconceivable to me, never in my wildest dreams did I think that anyone would risk everything to do what that female witch (supposed to be a doctor) oh I often think alot of the reason I haven't been called Home yet is God wants me to somehow forgive her, oh I am so confused I just can't, I beg that God will understand and forgive me for not being able to forgive her, I ask how, how can I possibly, she lied to me, because of her you must've thought the only person you said you believed in that would always no matter what be fighting for you and believe in you, you must have thought for those long blasted six days that I had indeed given up on you, when in reality I was asking question after question and being lied to over and over again, I'll never forget the doctor that was on call that nite as long as I live I will feel a great debt to him, if not for him you might never have known the truth, but when he came back to the hospital and into your room, he had your file in his hands, he was yelling and really angry, he asked them and I quote him word for word, "How the Hell did this happen" somebody answer how in the hell has this man been without his IV, his blood transfussions or his platelets which he is to receive now, how his wife is right here, I have no doubt at all she never ever gave anyone on this staff the permission to cease his treatment, nor for that matter do I see a signature where her's should be, so someone tell me just how this happened, oh he was just furious, I remember the nurse saying he didn't think the doctor on call would come out in this weather, as it was oh so cold that night and just misserable, it was snowing and icy, an awful night and he had already gotten home had his dinner and settled in for the night, but when the nurse told him of the situation and me demanding you receive platelets he said he'd be there within the hour and by golly he was true to his word. I will forever and I trully mean that I am oh so grateful to him, I can still see your beautiful face looking at me, tears just streaming down your precious cheeks, oh baby I oh God how I wish I had known sooner, but they got their wish, they had kept you off so long your poor body just couldnt' do it anymore, Honey I remember saying to you oh God Baby I pray to God you know just how much I love you, we both cried our hearts out and you just kissed me over and over, sweetie I would give anything in this world for just one more day, even an hour, 10mins anything just to see you to know without a doubt you are trully okay, that you are happy, I am grateful for one thing and that is the fact I know your not hurting anymore and nobody, nobody can ever ever hurt you again, I thank God for that so very much. Oh Baby the hell those bastards put you through, some of them I caught but it terriffies me wondering just what the hell went on when I wasn't there to protect you. I am also very very grateful to the paramedics who came to our home, had they not given you the medication I told them the nurse said she was worried during the afternoon remember, she wanted you to go into the hospital, I often think back on that and wish I had said honey maybe we should just to be safe, I say that because I think had we done that you'd have been at the Peter Lougheed not the Foothills, they were very good to you there except for the one doctor who didn't have a clue about medications for a patient with your disease or for that matter your disease, but it was daytime still so I am sure you'd have not even seen her, I know that was one of the reasons you didn't want to go. You see "Baby" I KNOW saying it again I KNOW because I do, without a doubt, had you been at the Peter Lougheed they wouldn't have insisted I leave you alone when you were pleading for them to let me stay, they would never have thrown me out at 9pm with the reminder always now you do realize your husband could die tonite, charming lot they have up there they trully are, they should go into politics they'd fit right in. Oh I appologize I know we have many good people and we did just have an election, I had trully hoped this man Mr. Taylor would be elected in our ward honey you know it was so kool, we got a pamplet from him I read it, and I thought, hmm I wonder if he'd be willing to talk with me about them having taken the survivor benefits off my check and put me down to 733.00 a month to live on from AISH, anyhow I thought I am going to see and I called, well I left him a detailed message telling him just why I had called now you know I didn't excpect anyone to call, but I really wasn't prepared for the gentleman himself to take the time and call me he was genuinely concerned over the fact that they said I wasn't allowed my survivor benefits, especially upset when I told him, they took the entire 2500.oo benefit, I was told they were going to pay for your cremation and the other costs (sorry baby but you know I always tell you everything) anyhow I told him I never even said anything, it didn't matter to me, funny isn't it, you'd be hollering at me I know as you know how hard it would be for me on my income to keep going, heck 733 doesn't pay the rent, I have tried to find other places, but to be totally honest this was my home with you and I don't want to leave "OUR HOME" I feel often as though you are here helping in your way, and baby your love is all I need it all the help I need, I adore you oh how I miss you, sorry i'll get back to what I was telling you, anyhow he was a real nice man, he cared about me, little ole me, I have nothing, no money, don't own a darn thing,and I told him as much, he seemed to care even more then, he was really a nice guy, oh how I hoped he was going to win, the last time I checked I was all happy cause he was in the lead, but sadly he lost and by so very little too, some lady got in, I haven't bothered trying to call her. Anyhow honey, I wanted you to know , huh Rollin With the Flow just came on the radio on Galaxie Country by Charlie Rich, oh I used to love that song baby remember. Oh sweetie how I wish you had got your Beloved Christmas, you know what sweetie I didn't even realize it was Christmas at first, but as I know you know I spend each day except if I have to go out like today to the doctor the same, laying on the couch with our beloved 'kiaa' and waiting for you, I will wait until finally you come, I know you will. It was funny I was so angry today, I couldn't help it, you see I emailed Hon. Premiere Ed Stelmach, and when I rec'd the letter I called, the minister I spoke with was very kind, asked alot of questions, I told him everything, the next thing I knew I rec'd a phone call from Aish from our worker remember Blake, well his supv. called me and said she had been contacted by their office she wasn't pleased for sure but perhaps I will receive justice, I know for this you'd be so proud you hated it when I just let stuff go, you would say why don't you stick up for yourself, and I would tell you aww honey its no big deal, but honey this is onetime you are right it is a really big deal and I promise you I intend to try and try and keep trying until I get back what you were promised I would be receiving. Are you ready for another doozy, this is what they told me, okay ready, it is not allowed to receive a govt. check from the Provincial Govt, and also from the Federal, okay I said if this is really the case, how is it my husband was allowed to received both and for quite sometime as a matter of fact, that was when I got angry as you know I don't lie, and I was told I was dead wrong, there was no way you had received the both, I to that replied calmly, maam I was receiving my survivor's benefit from the pention board which is the Federal Govt. correct, she said yes I was right and that it was wrong, I told her, just a minute, for me to be receiving this check my husband had to have been on it, she again agreed, then I said okay, Aish paid for my husband's funeral, now we both know they would not have done that unless he himself was on this check she got upset with me something about another call and hung up, anyhow it is still ongoing, however I found out the reason the funeral parlour charged 2514.00 okay now considering its only 500 to cremate someone oh yes and remember they told me under no circumstances could I have an urn, however they provide me with one that is approved by Aish, there wasn't one there at the time, well honey you and I both know it is a plastic box God help me, and they billed 300 for it, okay still, but it is legal as Aish actually tells them to make certain that anyone receiving this benefit doesn't receive any change, it is to be priced to the level that totals the ammount of the benefit, and it is true he enclosed me a copy of it. I showed it to our doc, oh man he is so fed up with everything that has happened. Oh but guess what, I was so upset today, I said to him out right, I asked him okay, I said is it not true that I should've been gone long long before Matt, he said yes I was actually trully lucky so to speak that I was alive, then I got really angry and Iasked him if that is the case then why is it I am still here, God knows I so wanna be with Matt, this is just so wrong, I told him I said Matt and I were like 1, we did everything together, heck folks used to kid us about how very inlove we were remember honey, everyone who ever knew us always said how very inlove we were and how wonderful it was to see, oh God, Baby how, how, please please baby tell me how do I go on without you, I am in horid shape, you'd be appalled if you saw me, I must trully look like I am out of a horror picture show or worse, but it just doesn'tmatter to me anymore nothing does. You know they killed me that night, when I phoned up there at 1:15am and literally begged that nurse to please please let me come up, I told her I said I am telling you I know him so well, there is something bad wrong, my heart is telling me as if he is ringing the phone and asking me to come up, I knew you needed me so bad, and Baby they wouldn't allow it, no way and I mean she was downright hateful, telling me the doors were locked, I'd be outdoors, that visiting ended at 9pm and I was aware, then she said you can see him in the morning he is just fine, I was just in there she lied through her dang blasted teeth Matt, why, why why couldn't she have just let me come up and comfort you, oh Baby I think about it and how very frightened you must have been, they knew it too, they knew you feared the nights, they knew how very bad you wanted to live but honey none of that mattered to them they were the most hateful bunch, oh ya and then " Mighty Precious Rhonda", the head of that load of crap, had the bloody nerve to tell me how all of the nurses had been talking and they all felt just plum awful because they knew how very much we loved each other, heck she even said they all said they had never seen a couple so very in love, and that she wished she had a crystal ball cause she'd have done things so very differently, that was when I said oh you mean you all would've been honest, that was when she blurted out oh so you are going to sue, she waas only calling trying to sucker me into believing that they actually cared about you or I, oh no I have had almost one year to think about it, however the one year mark hasn't passed and "Baby" you are going to get the justice you so deserve, if theres any reason you haven't come for me I would wager this is it, you want me to make certain that those responsible for the hell you suffered and you loosing your battle so much sooner than you would have had you gotten the treatments I believed you were getting all along, Honey, each and everyone of those nurses who had a hand in hurting you will pay, and the doctor that lied through her bloody teeth and wrote that on your chart oh man am I ever going to make sure she never hurts anyonelse as she has us, I miss you so very much baby, please forgive me honey, I am very sore tonight, the weather has been fooling around again so I am aching like a tooth ache, oh God I long to hold you in my arms Baby, I want so badly to tell you how very much I miss you oh honey if you only knew, I pray for just alittle glimpse of you even, oh what I wouldn't give, I am hoping and praying that once the proper papers are all filed as I am not going to mention his name here you never know but I know that if I am not alive to continue the battle he will, he is a good man, a law abiding soul, and a strong Believer in Our Heaven'y Father! I love you baby with all my heart and soul, I miss you and you are all I think of, oh man this music, wwlle I am gonna go laydown, this ole body is done in she needs awhole bunch of rest, love you baby till tomorrow!xoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxooxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxooxoxox

Johnny and June - Heidi Newfield

This song is called Like Johnny & June, God knows Matt and I loved just like they did all the way till the end, oh what I wouldn't have given to have been able to go out like they did together, I miss him each and everyday, when I do try and make alittle bit of an effort trust me the second the govt of Alberta realizes this well they take somethingelse from me, to ensure that life doesn't get in anyway easier so I don't suddenly decide I may actually give life a chance, no need to worry, you folks have gotten me lower than even I ever realized I could go, so not too worry, I await the night or day whichever when Matt finally see's I can't possibly handle it anymore and I do know its getting pretty damn close, things that never before angered me anger me beyond belief these days. I am so mad you even made sure that once again this year I will be forced to freeze all winter just as I did last year, I remember when I'd arrive at the hospital to visit my baby and I'd have to stop downstairs and try to dry and warm my feet in fear he'd see just how much pain I was in trying to get there. You know the funny thing whenever I would try to get a pickup to either go to the hospital or return, always I got a bs excuse of somekind why they were unable to make the pick-up, you know the odd part, since Matt passed not once have I had any trouble with getting a lift from them isn't that odd, were you bastards in on that as well. You know I also don't get why you folks want to make so sure we are never happy say on Thanksgiving or ofcourse Christmas, oh my God, God Forbid we ever feel sort of almost normal, my gosh whatever would you folks do, no not too worry, you keep us so very far below the poverty level you need never worry. I will never ever forget my worker "Blake Cameron" telling me that and I quote my cable, internet and even my telephone now you all use as do I your phone if ever you have say an emergency correct, well according to this goof its a luxury, yup I said it and I wouldn't have posted his name if I weren't telling the gospel truth, he is the meanest excuse for a worker ever, this man called me at and again this is a direct quote"did I wake you" as it was exactlly 8am, okay the office only opens at 8am, and as a rule you can't even get any answer for quite awhile after 8 anyhow I was so shocked,however without thinking I said to him,no you sure didn't wake me as I was up all night worrying over you taking my death benefits from me, I swear, now this is just my opo however he actually sounded oh so pleased to be giving me this news, he said oh thats the reason for my call, I wanted to let you know that you are indeed going to be loosing this check as we are taking it from you. Well ofcourse I tried to call where it comes from which is the other govt and they were so very nice they told me not too worry, noway could they take it as it comes from them and goes direct to me and I am most assuredly entitled to it, anyhow what he nor I had counted on was this jerk, when he found out he couldn't take it, he just decided to take it from my AISH check, okay if bychance you are reading this please be honest with me, tell me if you were terminally ill, had severe problems getting around, okay he sent me a form for a bus pass, I am like ya right how am I suppossed to buy it, and I can't walk that far anyhow. But tell me could you live, my check from AISH is 733.00 a month total now, then I get a death benefit from my husband passing it is for 431.00 a month, okay thats my total income for the entire month, now you gotta buy food which I seldom do, okay then you pay your luxury bill (cable etc..) okay thats approx 165.00 a month, the rent is 750.00 okay tell me the God's truth wouldn't you be upset, that 431.000 didn't make me rich, but it helped oh so much, the part that really gets me is they keep telling me oh its okay to get a job and earn that ammount your allowed upto 500 a month, okay if I am then why can't I have this, I was told I was allowed by the worker who originally set up Matt's financial benefits, well according to them he didn't get both, he did too, they know for a fact they are lying as do I, I am praying with all of my heart and soul that God Above will help me, I can't do this anymore, he is the cruelest excuse for a human being ever. I contacted our Premiere, Ed Stelmach, to be honest I didn't excpect much, I got abit of a surprise I told them everything, how they first took the 2500 then now the 431 I said heck why, plus he phoned me 2hours after telling me he had decided that yes I was going to be loosing my check okay, he phoned me back 2 hours later said oh I just wanted you to know that you won't have enough for your rent anymore, he is so mean and heartless, you see as hard as it is for me to walk to the bank, I thought well I'll make it abit easier for me, I won't go get the cash each month, instead I am going to take and have it paid direct by my AISH, well that was all good when my check was its full amount, I had 419 left after rent, plus my 431, I would pay my rent, get a few groceries, I'd even try to pick up a few things I might need, now heck I can't even afford to buy a bar of soap, serious I am worried as this month I need both toilet paper and also laundry soap, unless ofcourse he excpects me to wear the same clothes day in and out, you know I wouldn't be at all surprised. When he first told me this might happen, I told him that last winter due to my problem with my circulation I lost 2toes, they froze, and I had found a pair and intended to put them on lay away, he just shrugged, cold cold man, has no business doing the job he does. You know he has a supervisor, I don't know her name but she is one of the nicest, kindest most caring people ever, I don't understand how in God's name she got stuck with someone so cold as him. He acts as if he is taking the funding from his pockets, I didn't ask to be sick, infact years ago, heck it was back before Matt and I were married I asked if I could please go back to school, I was told I was a waste of the govt. money as I wouldn't live long enough to be able to graduate let alone actually get a job or anything like that, that was approx 15yrs ago, so I think they were just alittle off don't you. I miss my husband terribly, but I know for a fact he'd never put up with any of this, they have made up my mind for me, I am going to sue the hospital, I know without a doubt I am in the absolute right, and I also know I shouldn't have anymore problems living when its all over I should be able to pay my rent and buy some groceries and Matt will rest much easier as I have felt for a very longtime it is what he wants, he would never ever have waited as long as I did, for that I am trully sorry "Baby" but I adore you and I will see to it you get the Justice you so deserve! God Bless You Honey, I pray this will make you happier, and rest easier, God how I miss you oh so much, I only wish you'd come for me, I know now why you haven't you want this, I will file, hopefully once I have done that, all the truth is down, you will then come get me "Baby" I been waiting oh so long for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Always & Forever Your Loving Wifexoxoxoxoox

Well tonite I am just super po'd and so not feeling well so I decided to come to my private place
and write, somenights its helped me honestly to be here for another day, but in all liklihood I would have still been here no matter what. But now our govt of Alberta and the hardy har har what's is its name oh ya I gotts it, it is hon. Premierre Ed Stelmach, the biggest jerk ever and I got news for you, he is so full of crap, for the hell of it I wrote him a letter, I tried to exsplain to him that the AISH Dept. had ripped me off for the entire death benefit of 2500dollars and then to add insult to injury they turned around and took the extra 431.oo a month that I was getting and to be honest I really so can't believe it, they keep saying how its illegal for me to receive these funds, it is legal for me to go to work which they know damn well I cannot, however I asked them years ago for the chance to go to work, infact I wanted to first go to school, and they said they wouldn't waste their money because I wouldn't live long enough for it to be worth it to the govt. nice huh, well surprise I am still here and they could care less, infact I really do believe with all of my heart and soul what my beloved husband always told me he said they didn't want any of us to be alive after 50 cause they really can't afford for us to live that long, its awfully cold sounding but if you were living my life believe me you'd know its fact!! I mean they honestlly excpect me to be able to live and have any possible kind of possitive outlook on life, how the hell does one do that, when they lost the one person who meant more to them then anyone, they are now totally alone, save their doctor, and perhaps pharmacist, sad life sure but somehow I dreadfully get up everydamn day, only dissapointed that I did survive yet another day, not by choice thats for sure. Anyhow suppossedly they are checking into what I said, cause I know I am right I even have the cards to prove it, my husband collected a check from both govts. if it was legal for him it should be legal for me too, this is a load of crap and personally I am fed up of all the bullshit, AISH literally stole nearly 2000 dollars from a person who can't even go to the store and afford a quart of milk, this is a govt agency I am talking about, the one good thing is its the Federal Govt. and allthough our mayor didn't care the gentleman I spoke to surely did, God Bless Him he is a saint, she sounded alittle on the nervous side today,anyhow see ya I am gonna again attempt sleep and hope that Matt will come by for a visit!! Love you Matt, always & forever, your loving wifexoxoxooxox

A Sad Part of My Life _Why I am me today

When I was young I was in a foster home, they were warm wonderful and loving people, I loved
living there, anyhow when I turned 13yrs old I was told I had to leave, orders that came as a huge shock to put it mildly, I was so sad and the worst was yet to come, anyhow I wound up in a
girl's home if you can call it that, I often worry that this place might by somehow be still open, if it is it would be the worse sin I could think of, I keep telling myself theres noway in heck in can still be operating, especially as it was a nightmare, not much unlike those on Elm Street, as this caused many a girl to have nightmares, especially if you were in trouble with the workers or whatever they were, some were nuns but not all of them. Anyhow there was this cell it was in what they refferred to as the hole, oh my God I can assure you that any girl who survived a nite in that place would've had to be alot stronger than your's trully, I remember passing by it once and being told that's the hole, I said that's the what?! Only to hear much chuckling as I was suppossed to know these things how I'll never know but I imagine that the girls just thought us the dummies as we were new, not well known, not arrested like was excpected, all in all it was just a bit of a blur, I can assure you I have never forgotten, oh God Above knows all too well how hard I've tried, I spent the most of my life running, its the truth, ha you know when I actually admit it its an odd thing, I know it is the facts, I would be someplace, anyplace noplace in particular, anyhow often I would be really and trully very happy and suddenly I would hear these words "I love you" oh dear, that was a real no no, if this happened it was always time to pick up and pull out, many times I left so very many closthes, furniture and so on and so forth, you wouldn't be able to imagine, can you imagine being that terriffied of those three tiny little words, most women long to hear them, heck I knew some ladies who'd literally pester the bleepers out of their men, usually it was something along the lines of well why won't you just say it, you see in my mind this is oh so special, heck even that word so doesn't justify just how much those three little words mean! I know that Jesus loves me without a doubt, he died on the cross so that I can join my beloved husband in Heaven when my time comes if I am worthy and spend all of eternity with him, I love God,my Heavenlly Father, see you see what I am saying, folks just take those words and throw them around I have never been able to do that, I am so frightened of them, it comes from my youth. I have said so many times that you can't blame your adult problems on your childhood, but for many years what I did instead was I ran away from the thought that oh oh I might get hurt here, oh wow I sure am not going to hang around and let that happen so I am outta here before theres any real danger. Its a sad way to live ones life of this I can assure you! I have a photo here, the beautiful lady with me is Faith Hill, she looks stunning even without all the makeup, I adore this lady. You see she too was a foster child, and she was very Blessed they adopted her, and she became a huge sucsess with her career in music, because of this she was able to reach back and help out folks just like myself and give them a chance at a better life, last year when she did her special she debuted a new song, its called "A Baby Changes Everything" I love this song, I pray that young people everywhere listen to it and realize that life changes bigtime when a child comes along, some teens don't realize to them its sort of like playing house, until the bills start to come in, and the baby is crying waking them up when they too are tired, well this happens too often and poof another child is in the care of the govt, and another little innocent baby is going to spend the rest of their life wondering when will I be loved, orelse will I ever be loved?! I wanted to badly to hear those words, but I needed to hear them from parents, loving caring parents, oh God how I longed for that, but oh well it wasn't to be. I appologize if I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself, I read some words today, they were written by a very wonderfully tallented youngman his name is Jimmy Wayne, he too was a foster child, I hope, pray and yes Believe that with his celebrity he will be able to help a great many of these teens to find a better way, he is a unique young person, he walked from Nashville, Tenn. all the way to Arizona, I appologize as I forget the name of the place exactlly where he ended it, he had a broken foot, yet still he kept going, he has formed a group, its called Jimmy Wayne "Meet Me Half Way" I believe if your doing a search you just put in the letters with .com and you got it, if you happen to read this I do hope you'll give his site a visit. Anyhow I was reading his blog, and oh wow the memories, he spoke of sleeping in a forest, I could relate to that, sleeping outside, under the stars, praying to be safe and wake up in the am, oh wow, I remember once oh wow some of you if you know cattle at all will sure get a chuckle here, see I was so naive I thought no biggie just cows, I am certain I got my sleeping bag and slid out of there just in the knick of time. Oh I was lucky on more than one occassion, a friend was with me once, we decided to hitchike I am not the sort to hurt anyone however I didn't have a choice this time, you see we got into this car, well my friend, was just a tiny little thing, I could tell her that, didn't bother her at all, see Terry knew I thought the world and all of her, but a stranger nope it would really tick her off, anyhow this car pulled over, it was a blue station wagon, he told us he was going all the way where we were so wow we thought alright, well we weren't on the road long when he started to grope Ter, anyhow I'll never forget this, I had been given this old knife, well it wasn't really old, but anyhow it sure wasn't anything that I thought would scare anyone, I didn't have much time to think so I did the only thing I could think of, I took the knife and put it in his hand, not deep, just enough to frighten him, and I was yelling my fool head off, I said let us out now, wow the door opened he's screaming don't kill me and we're screaming don't you put your filthy hands on us, anyhow he screached out of there, we sat there both of us big ole brave gals just bawling, okay it wasn't long and this truck pulled up, well we were very young and naive, thankfully for sleeping bags, okay now here we go again, we are heading in, oh wow we know by the signs we're getting closer, however we also begin to notice and some wow its getting really cold, what the heck it was like 95 degrees what's going on, well what was happening was we were getting closer to Vancouver, and ofcourse in so doing we are going through the Rockies, oh man we froze, we snuggled and best we could underneath the sleeping bags, we both swore we saw them laughing their fool heads off at us, but then again we did deserve it, so we just thanked them and got out. Now are you ready for the funny part, we both decided after our journey that neither one of us wanted to stick around, infact totally to the opposite we wanted to leave and head back, she called her father, well he ofcourse sent her a 1stclass plane ticket, so she was gone, now it was my turn, I didn't have anyone to call but I got me a bus and headed back, I knew I didn't want to stick around Montreal, that was a certainty, so as fast as I got close I met another friend and headed to the states as young as I was, totally dumb to the facts, like they would ever let me get over the border at that young of an age. I did get there but it was a couple of years later, much later, heck I am all over the place with this blog, I appologize, I really do, I just don't know what to do I am so very very messed up tonite, I had the most loving husband in the entire world, I had never in my life been so loved, he knew all about when I was younger and totally understood, he was the only person who could tell me they loved me and I knew it to be true!! Oh God how I miss him, you see, part of what has me so upset and hurt is our damn govt, please excuse the profanity, however its just so mean, I am ill, so I receive a check from the govt as I am unable to work, mind you I asked them alongtime back to please allow me to go back to school, they told me I wasn't worth it, the govt would be wasting their money as I'd never live long enough to go to work, anyhow that was alongtime ago, had they said yes I know today I'd be well perhaps not today,however I'd have worked long enough that I'd not have to live as they make me. I am telling you the God's truth, I live in Calgary Alberta, rents here are not cheap, I live in a place not too far from the City Hall, but before you go, aww she's in a highrise, think again, our bldg is appt that are built above stores, so now you have the general idea, some people who have just a room don't even have a private bath, however I do. We didn't for quite sometime, but my sweetie Matt had a seizure and it terriffied me as he split his head open, such small quarters and I wouldn't quit bugging I kept up, finally getting this one gal who actually checked the computer, and said hey your AISH approved, I said I know so we moved in here. Okay well finally Matt had his check from cpp, plus Aish suplemented him thankfully as they covered his prescriptions and I had my AISH, okay so we are in a better place, when Matt got home from the hospital, he asked this lady that was here, wait he said, what about my wife what'll happen to her, how will she live she told her, don't you worry, Matt you have taken very good care of your wife, 1 she'll get a survivor's benefit, 2 she has her AISH, well yesterday at 8am I was phoned by my worker to be told that poof my survivor's benefit is no more, so sorry he says. Then he phones me back 2 hours later to let me know, oh btw you won't have enough for your rent, I can't believe this guy, I am certain he really does enjoy giving out bad news, I would wager on it, he is the sort, you know when for example say you go to a bank, you need a loan, okay well you can't get it because the guy is acting like its coming from his own pocket, its sinful but true. I know that Matt worked so very hard, he wanted to be sure that me and our cat who he really loved so much would be alright, heck I used to worry about buying groceries now its just keeping the roof over our heads.
Please forgive me, I am having chest pains, I have to stop, I just used some nitro, I am sure it'll be fine but for the time being I am going to lay down and rest. I appologize. God Bless!

My Life Or Whats Left of It

I am so very unhappy, I was the happiest person when my husband was still alive and with me, however here in Alberta Canada they seem to do whatever the bleepers they want, and this is the God's truth! My husband had leukemia, he had been in the hospital, the Peter Lougheed, he always was well treated when he was in there, he would ask the nurse if she would please put a cot in the room for me to be able to spend the nights with him, he hated the nites most, always they did, and always they were as nice as they could be. I loved that man moore than life itself, and he loved me, oh God we were always always together, never did you see one without the other, and if you did it was usually due to the other not feeling upto par, however the one on their own would always hury home to the other. My life with Matt was wonderful, sure we had times when we were ancious for the check to come in, yet always we made it, usually it was just being so very happy knowing we had each other's love always got us through. I miss him so very much words can't begin to say, he loved me like I had never ever been loved in my entire life before. I lived with a foster family as a child who always treated me well, they were a fine family, filled with love, she had raised many children, never ever did she raise her hand to one, she always gave them more than she had. I was Blessed to have the years with them that I did, I still think of and miss them often, May they Both Rest in Peace!
Now onething my beloved Matt always worried about as time was getting on, he was so very worried about me, you see in the beginning we always believed I would be the first to pass as I have alot of things wrong, any of which are terminal, but God must have a plan for me as I am still here, however when we saw that I might live longer than my Matt, he worried about how I was going to make it, this lovely lady that worked with people who were in Matt's situation came to see us, she helped Matt to get all the money he was allowed. He told her, okay this is terriffic except for onething, what if something happens to me, then who and what will my wife live on, that was when she told Matt that I had nothing to fear, nor did he as his pention would cover me, he must've asked her at least 3x's are you sure that AISH won't take it off her check, she said no they won't she is allowed to receive her widow's pention, (dear God forgive me I so hate to write that word or think it or anything), imagine me a widow, my baby is really gone.
Okay today I called Revenue Canada, I was begging for some help, you see I received a letter telling me that my check for 90dollars had been deposited to my bank account, so once again I called the line, nope I have 4dollars and some change that's all in there, so I know I didn't receive any deposit. I also saw this was deposited back in July, so normal folk would just return it, right they would see, gee this isn't my money I will send it back to revenue Canada and they can fwd it to the rightful owner, but nope not in my case, it is lost, you see it went to the Bank of Montreal, that account has been closed for more than 5yrs, yet it is somehow,somewhere in that account, I can't figure it out, thankfully I got a very kind lady who seems genuinely concerned and wants to help me if she possibly can, but she seems baffled right now, so I had to leave it with her and if anything new arose she would call me back.
I then went to see my worker from AISH, you see the govt was kind enough to tell me I am due three yrs of back GST which was such a God Send, as I could sure use it, I have a disease that well here is a real quick example everynite when I go to sleep my feet fall asleep and they are like 2clubs, it is painful, but so long as it wakes me its alright, anyhow everything tight cuts off my circulation, and last time my sweet Matt was in the Peter Lougheed I had to walk with my walker all the way to the ramp at Sunridge and I froze two toes, my feet freeze so easilly its so painful, also dangerous. I found a pair of winter boots, I was going to try to put them on lay away if they have it as they are exspensive, but lite as a feather which is very good, also they are filled with a bunch of lining so I don't need to worry about that, and darn warm, oh I had hoped to get them. I figured I could perhaps get a warm jacket with a hood for 50dollars at Wallmart, anyhow I was thinking with my pention I would be able to get the jacket, a hat, mittens, and a scarve for little or nothing at Wallmart and be okay, well today I learned that AISH is going to take the pention from me, I am not allowed to get it, suppossedly its not allowed, I don't understand.

But today I decided, I am not going to let folks walk all over me anymore, I have for waaaay too long, I am going to sue the hospital that took my husband's life. This doctor had the gall to actually right out lie, she wrote on the file that she had me permission to stop all treatments for my husband, she said I gave her this right, never in a million years would I have done such a thing, I loved that man with all my life, there is no way possible I would have put him through such hell. He wanted Christmas, he kept saying how important it was to him, you see he spent the last year in the hospital, it hurt him so bad, he wanted to be home for his last one, well those bastards made sure he didn't get it. On the nite of the 1st of Dec he coughed up some blood and then his nose began to bleed, well he was sitting up and pushing the call button, anyhow the nurse came, he asked me what does he want, excuse me I am wrong the 1st time he came he threw a box of kleenex at him, and left, well Matt continued to push the button, it was then he came back, he said to me why is he pushing the call button, I said to him are you blind, can you not see his nose is bleeding, and we can't get it to stop, plus he coughed up a large ammount of blood he needs platelets, it was then I got his attention, all of a sudden, after assuring me he had done his job, which he stated consisted of seeing he had all of his meds, he was comfortable and that was it, oh I was angry and some anyhow he then took me into the hall, he reads me from the file, the doctor claims she has my permission to cease all treatments, I went out of my mind, because of my state of mind, and also the fact he knew that Matt was in dire straits, he decided to do the right thing, he called the doctor who was on call, him I respect so very much, I wish he had been my "Matt's" doctor all along as I believe he would've most assuredlly had his Christmas, anyhow he was at home, however snow and all he came in, when he arrived he came straight to Matt's room, he picked up th efile, he was reading from it, the more he read the madder he became, he said and I thank God for him as Matt heard every word, as he must've believed I too had given up on him, and the onething that always made him so happy was I never ever had, 2x's before I would've lost him if it had not been for me screaching to let me in, anyhow the doctor said how in the 'hell' did this happen, this man's wife is standing right here and I have no doubt she never ever gave any permission for anyy of this, Dear God, it is the most horrible thing one can do to another living being the person's body when not receiving nutrition, begins to live off its own organs, its a very horrible and painful way to die, anyhow he ordered back Matt's IV also platelets and blood, all of it, he said he wa sgoing to speak with the doctor who had written this order in the am. My beloved Matt passed the am of the 3rd, at 7am they pronounced him, it was right after I had gotten there, you see I called them at 1:15am and I begged the nurse that answered to please allow me to come up, I said please I am begging you my husband and I are very close and I feel it, there is something so very wrong, I told her I was pleading with her to please allow me to come up and be with him, she said no, she said he is fine, I just checked him, he is sleeping and you can see him in the morning, the doors are locked and hung up on me, I sat up all nite, I never ever slept, at 6:30am the phone rang it was them, get here as quickly as you can, I had made arrangements, an ambulance had been promised to me and everything, to bring my beloved Matt home, so it was no surprise to me at all when instead I went to see him for the very last time, to say good-bye and remind him of how very much I loved him, I will love him forever and always, I pray with all my being he still loves me, oh God how in the name of God do I keep going, I was trying I trully was, but after today I feel to give up, I really do, I can't take it anymore, I didn't think any of them could mess with me, wow was I ever wrong they can do whatever the bleepers they want to, well I am done, I so needed to get this off my chest.
Ooops almost forgot, this you'll just love, you're gonna say awwww bs, she's making this up, but nope its the truth yet once again, the rich take as very much as they can from the poor, oh the poor ofcourse would be me, anyhow I go to the funeral parlour, on 17th its called Pierson's, these people have more money than they'll ever spend, anyhow the CPP alots 2500.00 for the wife or husband which ever the case maybe. Okay, well you know in my case I was his wife, well Matt had made me promise to him to never ever let any of his family know he was in hospital, and he said when he died, under no circumstances was I to have anything to do with any of them, his exact words, they never gave a damn about me when I was alive they can go to blazes when I die, he was adamant, I mean adamant, he made me swear, promise you name it and Matt knew I believe very much in God so he also knew I would keep my word. Anyhow the funeral parlour was told by me my husband wanted no services, none at all, he wished to be cremated, I ofcourse wanted to see him nobodyelse, they agreed, oh he said but its not going to cost very much I am concerned if they'll agree to pay for it, if you were burying him there would be no worry, it was sickening, anyhow his real reasons, he billed AISH 2516.00 cash which took the entire check I had coming from cpp, so that's that oh and yet once more, ofcourse there is nothing that can be done, they are upset that they were taken advantage of, but where I am concerned it really doesn't matter. I am so hurt, so sick and tired of being ripped off, used and abused, I can't even begin to tell you, you know its funny this one gal Lori, she had a problem, she owed alot of people money, she was afraid she couldn't pay them, so she turned around bought some pills from her folks and took them all that night, she decided she couldn't take anymore, for the longest time, I had thought how could she do that, I think I am better understood now, nobody can keep taking it over and over, when it doesn't seem to ever gonna get any better, I believe so very much in Our Lord and Saviour, I also believe if we take our own life, we don't ever get to Heaven, God I wish you did forgive this sin, its getting to be too much, Father, it says you never ever give us more than we can take, dear God, please Lord I honestly can't take anymore! Your loving daughter, and matt's wife forever & always!!!xoxooxxoxoxxox

An Amazing Young Man Who Touches My Heart!

I am wanting to tell you alittle bit about my own life and then I'll exsplain why I felt the need
to write this blog, I hope and pray after you read it you will perhaps tell someonelse and they
will inturn do the same and we can bring as much awareness to this problem as is humanly
possible. I thank-you for taking the time to read my personal story I am going to shorten it aot, as I want more to speak of Jimmy Wayen, he is my personal hero, for what he is doing!

Okay now I'll share just alittle about myself with you, when I was born, my birthmother had
tuberculosis, so I spent the first 9months of my life in a BCG Clinic, when I left it, she did manage to take me with her, then when children's service found me I was living in well suffice it to say no child should ever live in those kinds of situations especially a baby, and no baby should ever be touched in anyway except to be loved. I am going to leave that part there.
Okay now we jump to my foster home, I was Blessed these people loved me, however they feared my birthmother and with good reason, she did attempt to steal me from them a few times to no avail, and once I was alittle older I was terriffied of her, I was smart enough to know she didn't want me to be a mommy if you know what I mean, anyhow my foster parents moved, infact they even took me to Prince Edward Island when I was alittle over 11, I at the time was told it was vacation, later much later I found out they were once again running from her, anyhow this was alot to do for a child as we lived in Montreal, Quebec, and thats quite aways to go. These people were amazing, they ofcourse had their problems as all families do, but I always knew they loved me, I never even questioned it, the only time I asked any real questions was when I had gone to school and they said why is the name on this different from your's. I didn't know what to say, I had been told several times I was a foster kid, so I said well I am a foster kid, oh the teacher said, why, well i didn't know the answer to that one, this teacher kept asking questions for which ofcourse i had no answers which seemed to anger him, none the less i didn't know so how could i possibly answer.
I went home in tears as many of the kids had decided this was a great thing they had someone to tease, and wow someone knew, they were going to have a ball, ha ha your a foster kid, the funny part was thinking back on it now, not one of us knew what it meant so we were just a bunch of silly kids, however it hurt, I didn't like them chiming over and over ha ha foster kid, and so on. Well as I got near the corner of my street the mean kid who lived there over heard their teases, he was known for his meanness and he decided to join in in his way, he took out his pellet gun and shot be in the back of my leg, oh well now I was really bawling, I reached my house ran in just crying my heart out, my foster mom asked me what had happened, her youngest son had come home and was listening to see why I was crying so hard, when I showed her where the back of my leg was all blue and sore, oh he was furious, he took off and headed up the street he grabbed that mean kid and told him if you ever hurt my baby sister again I'll come back here and make you eat your gun, he also made him appologize to me and never again did he bother me. But wow he had called me his baby sister, not his foster sister, wow I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful that felt, infact it meant oh so much to me its why I had to share it with you.
Okay now things begin to change, a few more years have passed, actually about 1 and a half to be exact, then they asked me if I wanted to be adopted, they really felt awful later when they learned they couldn't do that, they needed alot more than my saying wow really I'll be a real daughter, they needed my birthmother to say yes, well she wasn't about to do that. Infact she had me taken out of that home and placed in juvenile hall, only the first night they had no room so I was at the woman's prison, i was in a cell all by myself and kept safe, in the morning they took me to this place called Ville Notre Dame, I'll never forget that place, you had a cell where you slept, then they had a room where all the kids were to spend most of their time, you ate your meals there, there was a tv everyone sat around the table and we were only allowed to talk when they told us it was alright. In the daytime they had these classes where they tought you to knit, they were teaching us to make these squares so we could make slippers, now just by listening I had managed to make my squares, then they noticed I was left handed, oh you can't be taught they said, I didn't understand what I had done wrong, but suddenly I was in this jail, that's what it was, there were bars on the windows, at night you were locked in, and now I was to be locked in for all the hours that the other kids spent in classes because of being left handed. Well the judge sent me to this place way out in the middle of nowher, oh how I hated being there, it was called Marian Hall, and it was hell I appologize but it was. Anyhow I ran away from there and wound up living on the streets, running from police, good grief, imagine being 13yrs old and suddenly you have gone from having someone love you enough they wanted to make you their real daughter to being in this God forsaken place, to living on the streets, it was interesting, trying to stay safe, staying in one place and then another, always scared the wrong person would come in, or you'd get hurt by someone, the strange thing is, back then they didn't have numbers you could call for help if you were a runaway teen, if they got you they put you in Laval, it was locked up 23 hours of the day, 1 hour a day you were allowed out to either go outside or you could go to the pool they showed everyone on tv, they didn't tell them the kids were lucky if they had time to even get wet, as by the time you walked all the way there you were just about out of time and your hour was almost up.
I also met quite alot of other kids in the same situation, scared, trying to stay out of them awful places, the sad thing was, many took chances they went with strangers who promised them all sorts of things, many I never saw again, I would hear from someone that they had been killed and left. I was afraid but determined to somehow get off those streets, I hated them I called them the mean streets as they had taken many of my friends, well I saw a sign for help wanted, I went in and the guy hired me, I worked there, and he was a really nice person, he allowed me one pair of jeans and a new top so I would look nice for my first day of work, I prayed I didn't get caught that night as I just had to make sure to pay this nice man back, he was a young guy and I am sure he knew I wasn't as old as I said I was but he gave me a chance and I didn't let him down, when I had saved enough money I decided I was leaving and I did, my foster family knew where I was, they helped me so I could go, and thats what I did. They knew I could never have any kind of a life there not with them as she wouldn't let me, she hated that woman because she was everything she was not, she loved kids, she had had many foster children I later learned. Both of them are deceased now, I will never forget them as long as I live, to me they are my family, as I know without a doubt they did love me. When I got married I told my husband all about them, he said they must have really loved you, then ofcourse him being him he added honey what's not to love. God how I miss him, he is with God now, we will be together again someday, I don't think it'll be too awful long as I am ill, but now its time to talk about this young man I told you I feel is 'MY HERO"!

Okay there is a youngman his name is Jimmy Wayne, you might very well have heard of him, he is one amazing young man, he is walking across America to bring help and attention to the homeless kids out there, especially ofcourse the foster children, as the likelihood is most are, these kids live each day in danger, so many people prey on kids these days, they use them for slavery, if they get a child and that child is sold into slavery there is nobody who will ever see that child again, its not a movie, its real life, these kids can be hurt, so easilly, I was very lucky, it doesn't happen to many, alot of these kids get caught up with drug dealers, they get them hooked so they want the dang crap, then the next thing you know these little kids are working the streets, they get em dressed up,make-up and voila, nobody is the wiser except that kid, thats crying on the inside and so terriffied but too scared to ask for help. However with someone like Jimmy Wayne on the way, they now have real hope, God Bless You Jimmy Wayne, you are wonderful, you will be the reason these kids survive, they'll be off the streets and become proud American's and all because of you. You know whatelse I think is so very wonderful, many an artist, be it a country artist, or a movie star, they help out with different charities, oh theres many, however what do they all do, think, you got it, they take out their check book and write a check, now I am not saying that theres anything wrong with that, but i believe what Jimmy realized was if he did that, folks would say oh wow that's kool, and he'd likely be on his own, however by doing what he is doing, he is grabbing the attention of all sorts of people. I was so touched, I can't begin to tell you, oh God how I wish I had a way to meet him when he gets to the end of the line, I'd grab him and give him the biggest of hugs, if I was healthy, didn't need a walker to walk (thus you know why I didnt' try to walk too) anyhow I would just hug him to pieces for what he is doing, he is amazing.
Now what I am hoping to do, if you read this please please tell your friends and so on, orelse just ask them to please please contact cnn, we just gotta bring as much attention to this as we possibly can, we can't let this go, we must help him, he is on a journey to help kids, one of these kids could very well be one of your's or a neighbour's perhaps someone you went to school with, their kid ran away, and because of this young man, these kids now have something they never had before and that's HOPE!!! I beg you please please contact cnn, also if you watch Ellen, she has millions of viewers, if we could get her to give him a shout out, it would be so huge, please help in anyway you can. He isn't asking you for money, just click on his link, follow him on twitter and pleasse please tell your friends.
I thank-you from the bottom of my heart for reading this, please do follow him and tell cnn you think Jimmy Wayne deserves to be covered, because By God he does!

God Bless!!!!!!! ((((hugs))))xo

Darryl Worley - I Miss My Friend

Matt "Baby" this is a really special video and its just for you!!

God knows how very much I miss you, you were my husband, my best friend the love of my life and ofcourse my "Soul Mate"xo yoloving wifw, oh babe Imiss you so very much, it hurts so bad, God how it hurts!! your loving wife forever & lways!xoxo

Matt this is for you I remember so well!

Honey, well the Calgary Stampede is over, I missed you so much, when I watched to fireworks, all I thought of was oh wow Matt would've loved this, there so very pretty! I walked over the nite before last, this really nice young fellow gave me two free passes he didn't need them wasn't that nice of him anyhow I saw Martina McBride thanks to him, Lou had said he'd give me the 10 I was short but this was great cause it was so kind and I guess I really needed that, I miss you so much, remember this picture oh God I sure do, we had the fellow take it for us just before we met Tim McGraw, you really did like him so much, I'll never ever forget the happiness you had, I did too but to see you so happy meant everything to me.

Oh how I wanted you to be with me last nite, they allowed us all to sit side stage to see Martina, you love her voice, and she sure did knock it out of the park. Oh God I pray you could see her she was so gorgous, she didn't get off her bus but I did meet her husband, and I saw him once before the show started and I mentioned to him that they weren't gonna let those of us with handicaps sit side stage, he said well thats just not right, I am not sure but I have a feeling he just might have had a hand in helping us to be able to sit side stage, I had the best one, they were all so nice, the security, her one truck driver's name is Frank he was just as sweet as he could be, he gave me a pick with her signature on it, but you know that cause I put it infron of our photo on the mantel, oh Matt i miss you so much Baby, oh so much, remember "forever & always" oh God I sure do, Baby please please come bring me with you, I so don't wanna be here without you, I kept thinking ok, he wants me to see Tim for my birthday, well that's done gone, then I thought ok he wants me to be here for his, I didn't understand but I said ok, then I figured it just had to be the Stampede, well it too has passed, please baby Ineed you so so bad, and I wanna be with you, life without you just isn't life, if your wanting me to sue the hospital honey I don't have the energy I wanted badly to be able to do something to honour you, I haven't the money you know that, I never make it past 2wks after my check comes in, if I could believe me I'd build the biggest memorial to you this world has ever seen, I love you so much Matt you are my world, with you not here I have nothing at all to live for, I need you so, please come back and get me, you tried the damn phone rang and it woke me just before we left, oh how happy we'd be together again, I know its what I want, and I have no doubt of your love for me, baby come get me, tonite okay please!

Your loving wife, forever & always!xoxo

Will God Punish me if I join my husband on my terms

I miss him too much, it hurts so bad, I love the Lord, I always have, but its just so hard, I keep wondering when will it be my turn, I have been sick for alongtime now, and it should've been me, we both were prepared for that, well we had talked of it, and Matt also was sure it would be me, for that matter up until the last time my sweet baby went to the blasted hospital that is so very responsible for his death, even our doctor thought I would be the one to pass first. I was diagnosed a very longtime ago, so this is just mind boggling.
I live alone except for my cat, I live on good grief if I actually put it in writing it will seem like I am a idiot but its true, less than 500 a month, serious and thats to pay the cable, eat, you name it thats all, after my 750 for this dump I live in thats all thats left. If you think I am kidding about my living place, my cat caught a mouse the other day and I live on the 2nd floor so that tells you what sort of place this is. I live right next door to my pharmacy which is a help and they are nice, I am so damn lonesome its really ridiculous, I wish I was more wealthy, I want to do things, I love animals, and people I wish I could help all these people I see out there without a home but I know if ever I allowed one of them in I'd be homeless too, mind you perhaps then I wouldn't have to be so alone. Oh God why did you take him, I know he was hurting I even asked you not to let anyone hurt him anymore, but I didn't know they had stopped his treatment they went behind my back to do that, they lied out right on the chart and said they had my permission I had been adamant about him being treated at all times, God however can these people live with themselves knowing how very much pain they have caused, I miss him so oh so much, I don't wann a eb here without him I want to be with him I am done as I am not saying antything except will you please forgive me, I just can't do this without him anymore, Matt please please baby come get me please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Beloved Husband

Hi Baby, I miss you so very much, everynite I lay here and wonder are you really okay, I ask God when will he come get me too so we can again be together, honey the only time I can say I know I was trully loved is when we were together, God how I miss you, I long to hear you tell me that you love me, or that you miss me, need me anything just to hear your voice, just one more time, oh God what I wouldn't give. I remember all the happy times we had together, oh the really awesome trips we took, remember when you thought I had won one thousand quarters and I promise I'll never ever forget the look on your wonderful face when I told you nope babe this is quarters its a thousand dollars, you were so very happy, that entire trip we had a blast. I cherish those earings oh so much, I won't change anything not a single thing, I have even your shoes still by the door, your coat is still hanging there I guess I hope somehow by some miracle I will wake up and this will all be a horrible dream, these past months will not have been real, you will still be right here with me where you belong, oh Baby I miss you I need you so very bad, in my entire life honey nothing has ever ever hurt like this, I don't know how to fix it, I really don't I try to pray, I ask God to please help me, I even tried to go to one of them grief thingy's the fellow said I was all over the place, what did he excpect, I know, the nurses know, the doctor's know and our doctor knows they literally killed you, they went against my wishes and I was your next of kin and lied through their teeth, without telling me and stopped all of your treatment and honey you know I didn't know, as long as I live I will never ever forgive them for what they did to you my heart hurts so bad, the night you needed me, I felt your calls as if the telephone had actually rung, it was that strong, I called up there, and honey I begged that nurse, I told her please I am pleading with you let me come up and be with my husband, I know he needs me, please I am telling you we are so very close I can feel his hurt as if he had actually spoken to me, and she said and I quote " he is fine, I just checked on him he is sleeping you can't see him until in the morning the door is locked" and then my phone rang at 6:30am and I was still awake cause as you know I was never able to sleep at night I worried too much about you and after I hung up I got there as quick as I could, hung up called a cab told them 20mins was too long as the hospital had called the man was so kind, he knew us both told me it would be there when I got downstairs and it was, the cab drove as quick as he could I was up there before 7am and a few minutes later the nurse pronounced you gone, I knew you weren't though, when I was holding you in my arms and talking to you I knew you heard every word I said and honey I stayed with you until after 12pm as I had always promised you there was no damn way I'd let you go before I knew for a fact you were gone and I kept my promise I kept all of my promises to you. I wish so much I could be with you, the doctor keeps telling me how very sick I am, wanting me to go here and there, I respect the heck out of him you know that but I don't know why he can't just realize all I want is to be with you, Matt you were and still are my life, I love you so very much, when we got married it was the happiest day of my life. I still remember us swimming first in the pool, oh what fun acting like a couple of kids, but we didn't care, oh how we loved, then we went to the lake, you even took "kiaa" for a swim with you, oh how loved we both were, she misses you, I can always tell when you are here, she will go to playing and purring and I know you are playing with your "baby" just like you alway have. She loves her daddy oh man how she loves her daddy.
I ran into Jarod today, he didn't know I had lost you, he was so sad, I hadn't seen him in a very longtime, at first he was all smiles, asked how's Matt doing, the look on his face when I told him he was literally in tears, that youngman thought a great deal about you sweetie, everyone who knew you thougth the world of you unless ofcourse they were jealous of you or if they had ever crossed you but then that would ofcourse be their problem.
I am going to go and rest, I am so very tired, "Baby" if its in your power, sweetie please come and get me, I am so very unhappy, and I don't have to tell you how very much my poor body is hurting, its really getting bad, I at times really can hardly bare it, I just want to go home with you to wherever you are, I know as long as we are together again we will be happy, please baby I am begging you come get me, you always promised me that you would, honey please come and get me, we belong together not apart please honey I really am ready, "kiaa" can come with us, together we can reach back and bring her too, please baby, I have asked you so very many times I thougth perhaps if I wrote it you would know I really and trully mean it when I say I just want to be with you please baby, my life is with you let's be together forever please, I don't want to live without you, the doctor says I am dying so what difference does it make if it is now or later except that its longer that I hurt, I love you Matt I miss you and I want to be with you so very bad, please baby come and get me okay, thank-you my love!

Your loving wife forever and always!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nashville

I know that the people of Nashville really need our help badly! I am so very upset with cnn, I have tried to tweet to Anderson Cooper several times, reminding him about the flooding in Nashville, it hasn't seemed to affect his choice of news stories one bit! I even mentioned you tube and told him, you were there you saw what has happened to that gorgous city, however it hasn't seemed to affect him, so I asked him to go to you tube. If you are reading this I ask the very same of you, I went to my site and because of my love of country videos, Kenny Chesmey's video was there, he is in a small boat and asking for help for all the people who have lost so very much, some have even lost their loved ones, orelse they are missing. If they were fortunate enough to not be flooded out, the odds are the places where they worked were, some lost both home and jobs. Its going to cost so very much to rebuild, like Kenny said, he is one of the lucky ones as he is fortunate enough he can afford to rebuild, however most aren't in his position. The really sad thing is nobody has flood insurance, infact the insurance agents were actually known to tell the folks they should save their money as Nashville doesn't flood. Which should've been the truth, they didn't tell them this to hurt them they trully believed it to be fact.
I watched several of the videos posted, this one really touched my heart. Some people had left their home, probablly fearing the water, but I hope that when they did leave, they felt their horses would be alright, I am sure they never thought for a second that the water would go as high as it did. I am serious, all you could see of these beautiful horses were their heads, they had gathered together by the barn, it was obvious they were terriffied, these passer - by's happened on the horses, they stopped their vehicles and with no thought for their own safety went and got a hold of a few boats, they then got some rope and placed it around the horses necks, they very carefully brought each horse one by one to the shore, I can't believe I am using the word shore in this case, however I don't know howelse to describe it. As soon as the horses could see they were getting close to where they would be able to put their feet on dry land they hurried to the land. By gosh does it not sound like they were in the middle of a lake, the trully sad part is when you see this thats just what it appears like, it is unreal, these folks are amazing, and I am telling you all the people of Nashville are like this. I used to drive a semi, its been quite awhile ago, however I made several trips to Nashville, always everyone was ever so friendly, I remember more than once stopping at the Truckstops of America, the fellow there at the desk was ever so nice, he always had some tickets for the Grand Ole Opry, he often would ask if it wasn't too late to see the show, would you like a couple of tickets, I have extra and I'd be happy if you'd use them and go enjoy a show. He was so nice, the folks who worked there were just like he was, always so helpful. I even met this gal, she worked for a tour guide place, she took folks on tours of the stars homes, she took the time out of her busy day to take me on my own private tour, I was just like alittle kid, she drove me by many of the stars homes, a few times we would see someone, always they too were as sweet as could be. I know you hear the saying the people from the south are friendly and think ya right, but I am telling you I never met one person in that city that I didn't like. I will always remember this onetime, I had my car, and I had decided I wanted to go on my own and visit as I had some time, so I did just that. Well I bought one of those maps of the homes of the country stars, and I hoped my memory would also help some anyhow I was driving down this one road and I knew I was really close to Lori Morgan's home well I decided to pull over and snap a couple of pictures, well the front door opened, this teen ager came outside. I asked him if it was alright to take a couple of pictures, he was as nice as he could be, he said sure go right ahead, he then told me if I waited for about 20mins, his mom would be coming out as she was getting ready right then to go to the Opry, this was Lori's teenage son, and sure enough she did come out, she is such a sweet lady, oh gosh and just as pretty as she could be, I was so tickled. Another artist I will never forget is Tim McGraw, I was also lucky enough to meet him, both my husband and I met him it wasn't in Nashville though it was here in Calgary where I now live. My husband had leukemia, and I lost him this past Dec3rd to be exact. One of the happiest days of our lives though was the day we met Tim, he was so nice, he joked and kidded with us both, we also met Faith, she is just adorable, and if you have ever seen an interview of Tim where he mentions Faith, he always says if you meet her, you can't be in a room with her for more then 10mins and not fall in love with her, well he speaks the truth, we both just loved her to pieces. She spoke with us for quite awhile, posed with us for a coupld of pictures, he was so happy, he often spoke of that day, it was one amazing day for the both of us.
When I saw Tim and Faith on Anderson's one show he did from Nashville, you could see how genuinely upset and worried they both were, they took him and showed him the huge amount of destruction this flood had caused. I wasn't at all surprised to read today that they are putting on a huge show on June 22nd, the ticket prices are just abit over 20dollars, the line-up is amazing, you have everyone from Carrie Underwood, Lynard Skynard, Taylor Swift, Kellie Pickler, Brooks & Dunn, Martina McBride, oh gosh there are so very many, I'd still be here typing this time tomorrow if I continue to list all the names, suffice it to say it will be one amazing show, oh I will also mention Toby Keith and Keith Urban as they just came to mind. I know I would love to be able to be there, they have said it would be televised nationally then I heard it would air on GAC oh I so hope thats not the way it goes, as if your not in the USA you don't get GAC and for that matter many folks who do live there said they didnt' get GAC. I hope its national, all the proceeds from this are going to help the flood victims, these are the kind of people that Tim & Faith are, they give so very much, and always are first on hand wanting to know what is needed and how they can help. Also there were thousands of volounteers from different churches going from door to door all through Nashville trying to help out in anyway they could. I am so very impressed by how this town has come together and are doing all they can for each other trying to get some kind of normalacy back into their lives. I am far from Nashville, and as much as I wish I could do like Taylor Swift and call into Vince Gill's telethon he held and donate 500 thousand dollars I sure can't do that. But I have been doing whatever little I can, I posted Kenny's video on both my facebook page and also my twitter page, I also have been tweeting any and everything that I read or if someone tweets something that is relevant to the flood than I retweet, its not much but I am trying, and ofcourse I am keeping Nashville in my prayers. I hope that anyone reading this will try to do whatever they possibly can, these folks really need alot of help, remember they need us, if you donate by phone your billed only 10dollars at the end of the month, that is helpful, the Red Cross said they had raised alittle over 4million dollars for the people of Nashville. I hope and pray that these folks will be able to rebuild, I know its going to cost alot but if we all give just alittle it will add up to awhole lot, and then perhaps we will have our beautiful city that we all know and love! I thank-you from the bottom of my heart, all the very best to you all! Good night and God Bless!